My retirement plan

I always support my kids in any of the activities that they seem to like. I make sure they get to every practice, afterschool club and game on time. In fact, we are usually a few minutes early.

Why?

Because I want them to know that if they are serious about something they need to be 100% focused on that event as it is happening. If they want to play football they will attend the “optional” summer camps. If they want to play basketball, they will participate in the “drills clinic” put on by the local High School team every summer, I don’t care if they have to get up thirty minutes earlier than they would on a normal school day. If they want to take the afterschool “comic drawing” class then they will do the “homework,” even if it is optional.

We are a 100% family!

If they decide to try a new sport, they will see it through to the end of that particular season even if they know within five minutes that they don’t like it.

We are a 100% family!

I’m not going to lie to you, we are a 100% family because momma is raising her “retirement plans”. Oh yes…this is no joke. My boys, even though they are only 9 and 6 have been slated as my means to an early retirement. And by early retirement I mean I’m banking on being retired by the time I am fifty. No pressure Hamilton and Gibson!

That’s why when I saw this…



...I knew I was in the clear.

I knew I was on the home base run to early retirement when I came across this fantastic piece of artwork. What is this you might ask? Well for those of you that don’t know this piece of artwork recently sold for 9.6 million dollars. No, that’s not a typo. I said 9.6 MILLION dollars.

I know, it made me want to run to CVS and buy a ruler and a sharpie too.

But then I remembered these bad boys lying around my house. And by “lying around my house” I mean, I had to dig them out of the trash.

...shhhssh, don’t tell my kids.

First is this bad boy…



…it’s titled “MY MOM”. Surely this is worth some money? Maybe not 9.6 million dollars, but do you think I could trade it for the penguin Japanese eraser and a webkin?

Or what about this…



…it’s titled “INSIDE MOM’S CAR”. Is it just me or does it look like someone threw up in my car? It has a certain charm to it, doesn’t it?

This one is one of my favorites…



…it’s called “FAMILY”. See the bald no neck guy on the end to the right? Gibson can’t decide if that should be dad or grandpa. I think it’s pretty clear, it’s neither. It sorta looks like the mailman.

Or what about this one…



…it’s called “TOYING WITH THE PENGUIN”. It may not seem like a masterpiece to you, but when it’s your own child doing the drawing, everything is a masterpiece. Am I right?

…now this one…this one has a certain peculiairty to it if I do say so myself



It’s titled “WAKING FROM NIGHTMARE”. This stumped me. And when I asked Gibby why he named it Waking from Nightmare he said this, “because I had a nightmare once that scared me so bad, I wet the bed. But that was when I was little, I don’t wet the bed anymore.”

And of course, my favorite…



I asked Gibby if this was called “MONSTER” and he said “duh mom, it’s called SPONGEBOB!”

While my ability to name good artwork might be a little iffy, I think my eye to spot it is quite rare.

Now I’m off to find the sucker that paid 9.6 million for the sharpie induced artwork and see if I can sell him a crock of shit too.

Oh, and FYI…I would take less than 9.6 million, I know good artwork when I see it and I’m willing to bargin!

I'm not sure how I feel about it, kind of like soccer

First, let me start off by saying, I am neither a republican nor a democrat! I vote on the issues. Period! End of discussion. And because of the way I vote, it makes it very difficult to say yes or no to the Health Care Bill. Because when you really think about it do we as Americans really know what is in the bill? No we don’t! All we know is what the media is telling us and we all know that we can’t always trust the media, well except in the case of Tiger Woods. You have to admit they saw that one coming a mile away when the rest of the world was thinking “poor Tiger, how dare they beat him up during the holidays for a minor car accident.” But I digress.

Anyway, my original intent with this post was not to make it a political post but to vent my frustration with the way our government is handling the passing of this particular bill. I honestly don’t have any idea if it is good for me or not. Or if it is right for my family or not. All I know is that I was never asked if it was something I wanted for our Country. I am so sick of hearing that this is “what the people want.” Whoa, slow down there Nelly! How the heck do you know what I want? I don’t ever remember being asked what I want nor given an explanation of my options. I know I don’t know what I want, so I ask, how the hell would you know what I want? I heard a poll this morning on the Today Show (a great source for reliable information, she says sarcastically) that 50% of the population is for the passing of the bill and 50% is against. Again, where they got that information I will never know. All I know is I wasn't asked.

And for Congress to vote on a bill that they are exempt from! How dare they vote on what is right and wrong for the American people when they aren’t going to have to participate in what they are voting on. Who do they think they are? As far as I am concerned one should only be allowed to vote for something that they are going to have to actively participate in. It only seems fair, right?

But that isn’t even the half of what irks me the most about this Health Care Bill debacle that Obama and our government have gotten us into. Not only must we look like idiots to other countries, but we actually have idiots in congress voting on this issue for us.

What do I mean by this, you might ask? Well hold onto your britches people. I recently read that Harry Reid, the Senate Majority Leader (whatever the hell that title means) mistakenly voted “No” on the healthcare bill, not once but TWICE, my friends!!! And even funnier, here is the explanation given by his office on why he accidentally voted no and then changed his vote to yes.

--Reid voted the wrong way when the clerk called for his vote, realized his error and quickly changed his vote to” yes”. Reid, who spent months persuading fellow senators to vote “yes” made the same mistake when voting on the original health care bill. His offices said Reid made the gaffe because he was so focused on getting health care passed.

Wait! What? Huh?

He was so focused on getting yes votes that he in fact “forgot” to vote yes himself? What? Seriously, that is his official stance on this? No wonder our government is so messed up.

Here is what I think went down the day of the vote…

Speaker: All those in favor of passing the Health care bill raise your hand

Harry Reid: (looking around the room nervously counting the number of hands raised and seeing which “cool kids” raised their hands too)

Speaker: All those in favor of not passing the Health Care Bill raise your hand

Harry Reid: (nervously doing the math in his head, noticing the “cooler” kids seemed to be voting against the bill) “I” says Harry, loudly and proudly.

Heckler in the cabinet: Oh man, he did it again

Harry Reid: Opps, I did it again I actually meant to raise my hand for yes, NOT NO…really look around the room the cooler funnier people voted yes so it must be the right thing to do, right? Yes, I vote yes, Not NO…oh wait, what? (looking nervously at Nancy Pelosi) how do I vote again…I don’t know…the pressure!

And that, my friends, is how I think the Bill got passed. Not because it was right, because I don't think anyone even knows what is right. But because it’s what all the “cool kids” in Congress were doing and Harry was afraid he would get his ass kicked in the sandbox by Pelosi if he didn’t vote her way.

And quite honestly, who can blame him…I wouldn’t want to come across Pelosi in a sandbox either.

And that, my friends, is how I see our government working!

Friendships are like a two way street, not a highway and a bike path

I had dinner this past weekend with a really great friend. For the sake of this article let’s call her “Lovely Gal.” Lovely Gal and I have known each other only a few years but our connection was instant upon our first meeting. She is a single mom, like me who works hard to support her family, like me, and struggles with the work/life balance, like me.

Lovely Gal and I really bonded and connected through our friendship with Toxic Friend. You remember Toxic Friend? She’s the one I had to back away from late last year because of some hurtful comments she made about another friend of mine. Well, long story short, having dinner with Lovely Gal made me start thinking about the people in my life, especially Toxic Friend, that I have had to walk away from and how sad it makes me.

I will admit I’m not good at walking away, giving up, or putting myself first, but in the case of Toxic Friend, I had to force myself to put me first. I didn’t take walking away from my friendship with her lightly, quite the contrary, it was one of the most difficult decisions of my life because I knew when I walked away from Toxic Friend I would not only be walking away from one of my dearest friends but I would also be walking away from my core group of single friends whom I had grown to love with all my heart.

I think about Toxic Friend often and how I basically blogged about the demise of our friendship instead of talking to her openly about it. But honestly I was fed up and tired of fighting a never ending battle with her. You see, every time I would try to mention to Toxic Friend how her comments about another friend of mine were hurtful to me all she could do was offer me books and research material about why she said the things she did about my friend. She never once took into consideration how her comments were hurtful to me. Oh no, she was just more worried about me agreeing with the hurtful things she was saying about my friend.

And that is when I decided to take a deeper look into my friendship with Toxic Friend. And quite frankly, I didn’t like what I was seeing. I saw a person that I had loved, stood by, championed, leaned on, and laughed with but never once did I feel like those feelings were reciprocated about me. I got frustrated with what I like to call our “one sided” friendship and realized that I had to throw in the towel.

I realized that our friendship had been taking me down a path that I was no longer willing to travel anymore. I was fed up with Self Destruction Street and Deniability Drive. I no longer wanted to travel those roads. I wanted to somehow find my way to Happiness Highway and I knew that being friends with Toxic Friend would prevent me from going that direction. I could no longer drive down those dead ends with her any longer. I couldn’t participate, I couldn’t watch anymore. I had to take a U Turn and evaluate the direction I had been going.

To this day I still feel bad about how our friendship ended, but I am a much better person without her in my life.

To this day, my weekends are lonely and not as much fun as they used to be, but I am a much better person without her in my life.

To this day, I am still hurt and saddened for the rode that Toxic Friend is on, but I am a much better person without her in my life.

To this day, I think about Toxic Friend daily, but I am a much better person without her in my life.

To this day, I love Toxic Friend dearly, but I am a much better person without her in my life.

To this day, I miss her desperately, but I am a much better person without her in my life.

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to today's edition of Top Ten Friday where I break it down.

Today's top ten list was inspired by this This blog is great!

At the end of her blog she posts a list of funny things to do on an elevator. I laughed hysterically when I saw this list and had some ideas of my own that I thought would be funny to try.

So hold onto your hats...here is today's Top Ten Funny Things To Do on an Elevator

10. If anyone brushes against you, step back and holler "Bad Touch".

9. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask him/her to call you by your first name.

8. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall.

7. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.

6. Blow your nose loudly and obnoxiously.

5. Push all of the buttons at once and marvel at how pretty they all look lit up, smile and get off on the next floor.

4. Shout "beam me up" Scotty as the doors close.

3. Put a box in the middle of the elevator, stand on it, break out your paper megaphone and start preaching to everyone about God.

2. Push all of the colored buttons while asking "huh, I wonder what these do?"

And my number one favorite thing to do on an elevator...

1. As the elevator comes to a stop start grunting and groaning while trying to open the doors and then nervously laugh when you realize the doors open on their own.

Have a great weekend everybody!

Driving Ms. Crazy

I, like most bloggers, have files and files of topics that I want to talk about. Some are funny, some are sad, some are silly and some are…well shall I say NOT good fodder for a full article but worth a comment or two. So today I just thought I would roam through these files and share some random thoughts with you on current events.

Stick with me…I promise it will be worth the read!

TOPIC: Health Care Bill
It’s no secret that I am against the healthcare bill. I’m not thrilled about a bill being passed that was written by a Congress who exempts themselves from it. It’s just not right. But the worst part…who the hell is going to tell the cast of the Jersey Shore that there is a 10% tanning bed tax written into the bill?

TOPIC: Kanye West
I cringe every time I see this egomaniac on TV or hear one of his songs on the radio. If I had my chance to say one thing to Kanye it would be something along these lines…”Dude, let’s try not to interrupt, accuse, or threaten anyone who is black, white or Asian based on skin color, health care, or how awesome Beyonce’s video was. It’s just not cool.”

TOPIC: 2009
Let’s never speak of that year again…I think it goes without any further explanation.

TOPIC: Online Dating
You either love it or hate it. Right now I hate it. I gave up on online dating when I realized I was gaining my self esteem from not responding to people who contacted me on these sites. Now with that said…I’m not making any promises that I won’t wake up tomorrow after having an epiphany that somehow I think online dating is the direction I need to take. So I am going to ask you not to judge me if that ever happens.

TOPIC: The Oprah Phenomena
Am I the only one secretly excited that Oprah’s show ends for good in September? What do you want to bet that the media starts talking about this in the next month or two? So here’s my two cents, before the media talks the story to death.

Time is running out to cash in on
1. A made up memoir
2. The use of a medical degree to get a TV show
3. Jumping on a couch as a means of declaring your heterosexuality to the world
4. Favorite things…because everyone needs an HDTV Refrigerator with Weather and Info Center

TOPIC: Jerry Seinfeld
I only have one thing to say about him…it’s like his acting has improved almost to the point where I believe he thinks the Marriage Ref is funny…Yawnfest!

TOPIC: Jesse James
What is it with these guys who surround themselves with great women and then throw it all away for one (or several)skanks? In fact, I find it shocking that Jesse Jame’s text-loving-stripper-mom-mistress never slept with Tiger Woods. Mark my words, I bet you a million dollars right now that there is a “six degree’s of separation” kind of thing between the women of Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Jon Edwards, Eric Benet and Bill Clinton…Oh yeah people, bookmark this post because when the love triangle comes out in the media you are going to say to yourself, “huh, I read this prediction on a fabulous blog a few months ago.”

TOPIC: Time Change
I hate the reminder twice a year…”Set your clocks back, spring your clocks forward”. Why don’t they just say it like we all see it, “I’ll be late on Monday because I ignored the excessive warnings about the time change.”

TOPIC: Twilight
Again, I just have one thing to say about this series. “Let’s pretend that there is nothing alarming about a tween fantasy movie that causes cougars to think about statutory rape. I’m just saying…

TOPIC: Mikhail Baryshnikov
Ok…this may not be a current event, but you have to admit…he is a wee beautiful man…
(pictured here with world renowned photographer Annie Liebowitz)

His face…chizzled
His arms…so ripped
His abs…more like an 8 pack
His legs…fit like none I have ever seen
His feet….wait, what huh? His feet? Yes…take a closer look



I have three words to describe his feet…

DIS-GUS-TING!

I guess that’s what years of dancing will do to you!

And last but not least…

TOPIC: Lindsay Lohan
Hey Lindsay, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and acts like a duck, it’s probably a duck! Might I add, if it walks like an alcoholic drug addict, talks like an alcoholic drug addict, and acts like an alcoholic drug addict, then it’s probably an alcoholic drug addict. By the way…blaming the etrade people for naming their milkaholic baby Lindsay is a huge stretch for you…find another battle to fight.

Oh it's on like donkey kong

I’ve always heard that there is no pain like that of a parent watching their child suffer. I never thought this was true until it recently happened to me.

Never fear, my kids aren’t sick, oh no, they are perfectly normal and healthy. If by perfectly normal you mean never wanting to take a shower, never wanting to do their homework, never wanting to stop to eat, never doing anything I ask without first complaining, etc. etc., etc.

But let’s set that “normalcy” aside for a moment and focus on the moment that I actually felt heartbreak for my child. It is a moment that I will never ever forget.

Most dads will think I’m crazy, but lucky for me most of the mom’s reading this will be breathing a sigh of relief because they too have experienced these emotions at one time or another and will hopefully feel like their feelings are somewhat validated after reading this story.

It all started last week as I was driving through the neighborhood after work. I drove past the pool clubhouse, which is just around the corner from my house, and I saw what looked like Gibby, my six year old, sitting with his legs curled up, and his head down in the middle of the parking lot. My first thought was “what the hell is my child doing sitting in the middle of the pool parking lot?” But as I got closer I felt a well of emotion coming up my throat.

I pulled into the parking lot and could hear him crying. He hadn’t seen me yet, so I know his emotions were real. And my heart suddenly ached like it never had before. I, for the life of me, could not figure out what had happened that would make him cry like that. Then I started to panic, I wondered if something had happened to his brother, or perhaps my dad, who lives with us. All sorts of scenarios had played out ever so quickly in my mind.

So I quietly walk up to him and he lifts his head and much to my surprise, supporting his behavior were two giant alligator tears streaming down his face. He was definitely hurt by something, but what I didn’t know. So I tried my best to get it out of him

Me: Geeker (that’s what I call him, don’t judge) what’s wrong? Why all the tears?

Gibson: The older girls at the park are making fun of me.

Me: Why are they making fun of you?

Gibson: They say I have a girlfriend.

Me: Do you have a girlfriend?

Gibson: Yes.

Me: (shocked and suddenly feeling sick to my stomach) Who is it?

Gibson: Marissa (a little girl in his class who often comes over for play dates)

Me: So why are you upset?

Gibson: Because they are laughing and saying we are “kissing in a tree”

Me: Honey, this is what happens when boys and girls play together. Did you ask them to stop?

Gibson: Yes, but they just kept making fun of me.

Me: You have to act like their comments don’t bother you. They are only making fun of you because they know it makes you mad.

Gibson: I tried, but I can’t mommy! They are still mean.

(frazzled…I don’t know what else to say…so yes, I stoop to this level)

Me: Well then you just have to make fun of them back (I know, I’m not proud but desperate times call for desperate measures).

Gibson: I tried that too mommy, but I don’t know enough about them to make fun of them. (touché!)

Me: Well then you are just going to have to get broader shoulders honey. In the future you could try something like, “I’m rubber, your glue, whatever bounces off me sticks to you.”

Gibson: (looking at me like I’m crazy) I don’t even know what that means mommy.

Me: Me either, but I don’t know what else to tell you.

I finally convinced him to come in the house with me to have a snack. As we were sitting at the kitchen table it was like a light bulb popped on over his head…

Gibson: Hey mom, can we talk about this later? I want to go back to the park.

Me: Sure honey, have fun…and keep smiling, don’t let the older kids bother you.

Gibson: yeah…ok mommy!

I sat at the table all proud of myself thinking that it was something I must have said to him that gave him the courage to want to get back up and go fight his own battle.

Ten minutes later…

Gibson: (running in from the outside all excited) Mommy! Mommy!

Me: What?

Gibson: Guess what?

Me: What?

Gibson: I figured out how to get the older girls to stop making fun of me and Marissa.

Me: How?

Gibson: I took two light sabers outside, one red and one green. I took the red one because it is Anakin’s light saber. Mom, did you know that Anakin is the best fighter in Star Wars? Well except for maybe Darth Vader but he actually dies in one of the movies. You know what my favorite part of Star….

Me: Gibson, get to the point!

Gibson: Well, I challenged one of the girls to a light saber fight and I won.

Me: Oh really, how did you win.

Gibson: I clocked her in the back of the knees when she wasn’t looking and she fell to the ground.

And that , my friends, is the difference between how boys and girls settle arguments! It’s a lesson we all should take seriously!

The gift that keeps on giving

In case you are wondering, I survived!

Yep…my birthday week…ok, 10 day celebration… was fun, fantastic and fabulous! It’s not every day that a girl turns 39 so I celebrated…in style! Let me just say that I have the best friends in the whole world and as expected, they did NOT let me down this year!

I not only celebrated with more lunches, dinners, and cocktails than I could have ever imagined, but I also got some of the best birthday presents ever this year…I guess it just proves that it never hurts to ask, right?

Gifts recieved
12 sessions of kick your ass boot camp

1 personalized cocktail made just for me

1 introduction to a very cute boy (who knows if it will go anywhere, but the intro was much appreciated)

1 beautiful necklace from my kids (thank you Ex, this act of kindness doesn’t go unnoticed)

1 fabulous dad that gives my kids money to treat me to a special birthday dinner/movie night

Umpteen birthday wishes via text and Facebook

Gifts promised, but not yet received
Several pictures of the “rear view” of one Mr. Ryan Reynolds that my friend Jane took on her trip to NYC a few years ago. No pressure Jane, just know that I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of those pictures in my mailbox…

1 coffee date with said cute boy

1 family dinner to celebrate the birthday that I share with my brother and his wife

Seriously, does it get much better than this?

Well, ummm, I’m gonna have to say… yes it does get a little bit better than this.

I know you are probably asking yourselves what could be better than 12 boot camp classes, 1 cocktail, 1 cute boy introduction, 1 necklace, 1 dinner/movie date with two very cute boys, umpteen birthday wishes, the promise of rear view pictures of Ryan Reynolds, 1 potential coffee date and one family dinner?

It’s this…



Oh yeah…A Dyson DC17 vacuum cleaner. And let me tell you, I am in heaven! I don’t think I have ever vacuumed my house as much as I do with this lovely piece of machinery.

You see, when your single, like me, you have to be the one to buy yourself presents on special occasions. Think about it who better to buy you a vacuum cleaner than you? Face it, you’d be pissed if your husband, fiancé, or boyfriend purchased one for you, but the excitement that comes over you when you purchase one for yourself. It’s like no other feeling in the world.

Hmmmm…maybe that is why I am still single?

So many things in life are about timing, like horse racing and hard boiled eggs

I do not know what my problem has been these last few weeks. Suddenly I have become so sentimental about my past. I have worked so hard to not let my mind go back to the past, but I have really struggled with it as of late. There was the Smarties post a few weeks ago and now this week…another emotional reminder of the past.

But this one is kind of funny too (stick with it until the end).

Hamilton, my oldest has recently started asking me to get down his memory box to look through. Normally I like to do this kind of stuff with my kids, but every time he asks it seems like it is five minutes before bedtime and quite frankly, I just don’t have the energy at that time of night. Not that it takes a lot of energy to get a box off the closet shelf…but it’s just that usually by that time I am ready for my kids to go to bed so that I can have some quiet time and wind down for the evening. Plus a part of me thinks it’s a stall tactic for not wanting to go to bed…but I digress.

Anyway, last week Hamilton asked to get the memory box down again and this time I had no excuse…it was 7:30, far enough away from bedtime and to soon after dinner to have gotten to relaxed for the evening. So I gave in, and I am so glad I did!

The first thing we pulled out of the box was his outfit that he came home from the hospital in. It was hilarious to hear him say, “I used to be that tiny?” He didn’t believe me when I told him that the outfit was way to big on him when we brought him home. You see, he was born 5 ½ weeks early and 0-3 month clothes practically fell off of him. I had a picture of him the day we took him home and he was shocked…it was a priceless moment.

We went through the box recalling old memories and me telling him stories that he was, at times, to young to remember. It was a great moment, sharing these memories with he and Gibson. Until Gibson realized that we weren’t going to go through his memory box the same night…it was getting late. I promised him another night, and he was NOT happy. But that’s just Gibby.

Anyway, we were just getting ready to put the memory box away for the night when Hamilton noticed what looked like a handwritten letter sticking out of his memory book. He pulled it out and asked what it was. It was my handwriting, but I didn’t remember writing anything. So I decided to read it out loud to Hamilton. BIG MISTAKE! It was a letter dated January 2001 (2 months before his due date). It was my promise to him, as a mother. It was a letter about my fears and excitement of becoming a mother for the first time. I blubbered my way through the entire letter. By the end of it, I had snot dripping out of my nose. But the best part of all was looking over at Hamilton and seeing the tears and emotion in his face.

I thought you all might like to read what I wrote:

Dear Unborn Child,

I feel you inside of me and it is a sensation that I cannot explain. With each little kick I feel, I dream of the child you will become and fear the mommy I will be. I am torn apart when I think of you. On one hand, I cannot wait for you to arrive so that I can shower you with my love and affection. On the other hand, I fear your birth, because I fear the kind of mother I will be. I want to keep you inside of me where no one can hurt you and I will always be able to protect you. Deep down inside I know you will be a strong loving human being. I know you will turn out to be someone better than I could ever imagine. I know that as you grow, you will fall and I will pick you up until you can get back up on your own. I will always be on your side and I will never turn my back on you. I know that the day will come when you won’t like me very much, and I will try to be patient with you as your life changes, because so too will mine.

I can only hope and wish that I am a mother that you can be proud of. I only hope that one day we can be as close as my mom and I were. She taught me so many things and I can’t wait to teach you the same things. I wish that you came with a book of instructions to help me out, but my mom always said that being a mother comes naturally. I know that every day you are with me, I will be learning alongside with you. I ask you to be patient with me as I learn to be the best mommy to you that I can.

I want you to know that as a mother, I have great expectations for you. I think of the great things that you will be able to do because I am going to work hard to give you the opportunities to do so. But I will also let you follow your own heart and I will stand behind you and the decisions you make. I will never push you to do things that you don’t want to do. I always promise to be honest with you if you promise the same for me. Life out here is hard. There are good days and there are bad days and as you get older, you may see that the world and the people in it can sometimes be cold. I wish I could protect you from any pain or fear that you may feel, but that is yet another learning process for us. No one ever said it would be easy, but I can promise you it will be worth it. You just be the person you were raised to be and the person you feel in your heart you should be and that is all you can do.

If I could teach you one thing from the beginning it would be to remember that when you have hatred in your heart, it takes up the room that you should be filling with love for others. I know that it is hard not to hate sometimes, but let me tell you, it isn’t for us! There are a lot of lessons that you will learn in life, but forgiveness is by far the most important. I believe that a person that cannot forgive is sometimes worse off than the person needing the forgiveness. No one says you have to forgive and forget, but forgiveness is of the utmost importance.

Also, know that this world is a huge place and there are many opportunities for you here. Don’t let anyone or anything ever hold you back from going out and spreading your wings. I want you to be young and try not to grow up to fast. There is plenty of time in life for you to do the adult things, enjoy being a child! Take each day slowly. Enjoy life and have fun doing it because you will not be able to get back the days and years that go by.

Last, but not least, though there is so much more that I want to say, I want you to know that there will never be a day when I will not be here for you. I want you to know that you can always come to me, for anything, big, small or just to talk. I will do my absolute best for you and try to never fail you. Even if some day I am no longer on this earth, I will always be there for you if you keep me in your heart.

I love you baby and I always will. Nothing or no one will ever change that. You are the most important thing in my life.

Love you always,
Mommy

It was silent, except for the sobbing when I got done reading the letter. Until Hamilton spoke these words…

“Priceless mommy…priceless! I love you.” And my heart melted all over again.

And in true Gibson form, the tears and emotion that Hamilton and I were sharing were immediately turned into hysterical laughter when he comes flying into the room in nothing but his underwear and a Zorro cape and says “What’s happenin’ hot stuff.” (ala Long Duck Dong, Sixteen Candles).

Seriously people, I can’t make this stuff up! Gibson makes me laugh.

I love my boys!

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to another edition of Top Ten Friday where I break it down!

As many of you know, I am a thinker (read, I tend to overanalyze). Many days my mind just wanders and wanders, and where it ends up, I may never know. I often have thoughts racing in and out so quickly that if I don’t write them down, I will think about them until I can come up with an answer. In other words, insanity is a strong possibility!

So today I thought I would share with you some of the things that I just can’t stop thinking about. Please, I beg you, if you have an answers to any of these, please leave them in the comments section so that I can cross them off my list and possibly protect myself from going insane.

Top Ten things I just can’t get out of my mind

10. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

9. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

8. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

7. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

6. Why do we tend to press harder on the buttons of a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

5. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read like normal?

4. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

3. Why do we sing “take me out to the ball game” when we are already at the ballpark?

2. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

And the number one thing I just can’t seem to get out of my head…

1. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

God doesn't hate much, but I'm sure he hates my attitude about homework

I don’t know about you guys, but I loathe doing homework with my third grader. I know, I know…it’s only third grade…I have a lot of years ahead of me. I get it, but I don’t like it. Hamilton is a great student, but he’s a boy…bottom line! He would rather be out playing in the yard, digging holes in the ground, kicking ass and taking names at the neighborhood football game or burning worms with nothing but the sun and a magnifying glass. Come to think of it, he would rather do ANYTHING over homework, and by anything I mean, clean toilets, fold laundry, and clean out his closet.

Most nights we get through homework without any real meltdowns, but last night, that was not the case. He fought me every moment of the way on every ounce of his homework. By the time we got to his spelling words, I had had it! So, with every ounce of my being…I gave in. Gave in to what, you might ask. I decided if we were going to get through his homework, we were going to do it my way.

It may not have been the right way, oh who am I kidding, it was NOT the right way, but I was tired and wanted to get some other things done.

The goal…write each spelling word three times in your neatest handwriting. And as tradition has it, I usually make up funny, kid friendly sentences when giving Hamilton his spelling words. But last night was different…

So without further ado, here are the sentences I read to him last night.

I AM NOT PROUD!

1. If you don’t change your attitude mister, my hand will be meeting your bare butt tonight.

2. Are we almost done, mommy needs wine.

3. Whose stupid idea was it to make you write your words three times each? (sorry Mrs. Robinson, you know we love you!)

4. Will we get in trouble if we bury your homework in a hole in the backyard?

5. I pray that we can get through this spelling list without beating the crap out of each other.

6. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

7. I worry that my bad attitude about homework will rub off on you one day.

8. Is homework really worth it?

9. Do whatever you want Hamilton, I don’t care anymore.

10. Will there ever be a day that we can get through your homework without crying? (and by crying, I mean me crying, not Hamilton)

11. You can stuff your sorries in a sack mister.

12. One day I hope to look back on this night and laugh.

13. I used to look at homework time as special bonding time, now I refer to it as a burden.

14. We have spent way too much time on this assignment.

15. Does 3rd grade homework really help you fulfill any sort of requirements for college?

16. Show me where it says that you have to do homework in the third grade.

17. Tomorrow will be a better day because it will be your dad’s night to do homework.

18. I am already stressed about Thursday night’s homework.

19. I am not the glue that holds this family together.

20. This homework assignment is sucking the joy right out of me.

Here’s to a better tomorrow!

You spin me right round baby, right round

Do you ever have conversations with your kids that just go round and round and round and never seem to end. You continue to have the conversations, but they always seem to end in frustration for one or both of you. I had one the other night with Hamilton that I have a feeling I haven’t seen the end of yet.

Hamilton: Mom, can I ask you something?

Me: Sure…what’s up?

Hamilton: All the boys in school have this necklace that I really want and I wanted to know if you would buy it for me?

Me: What kind of necklace?

Hamilton: It’s a “phiten” necklace that is supposed to make you feel really good.

Me: Where do you get this kind of a necklace?

Hamilton: Dick’s Sporting Goods (read…not cheap)

Me: How much is it?

Hamilton: $25

Me: (Gulp)

Hamilton: So can I get it?

Me: That’s a lot of money

Hamilton: But all the boys have them

Me: All of the boys?

Hamilton: Well, all but three of them?

Me: Seriously? All but three of the boys in the class have parents that would buy them this necklace for $25?

Hamilton: Yes

Me: I’m not going to say yes, but I’m not going to say no either. I will think about it.

Hamilton: (gives me a mean look, crosses his arms, and stomps off)

The next day, I go to Dick’s with the best of intentions thinking if it was way under $25 I may get one for him and one for his brother, because when you have two boys so close in age, you can’t just come home with something for one and not the other…am I right moms?

“Holy balls!” The necklace is a “magnet” necklace that is $35. There is NO WAY I am buying this necklace.

That same night, I bring the conversation back up (like an idiot…I should have just let it go)

Me: Ham, I went and looked at those necklaces today at lunch.

Hamilton: (his eyes lit up!) You did?

Me: Uh huh…

Hamilton: …and?

Me: I don’t think I will be buying it. Do you realize that it costs $35, not $25?

Hamilton: That’s not a lot of money?

Me: How many weeks do you think it would take you to save your allowance in order to buy that necklace?

Hamilton: (doing the math in his head) 8

Me: Do you still think it’s not a lot of money?

Hamilton: It’s not a lot of money when it is your money?

Me: Exactly…

Hamilton: So can I get it

Me: Sure, after you have saved your allowance.

Hamilton: (gives me another mean look, crosses his arms, and stomps off)

10 minutes later

Hamilton: Mom, what about we go to Dicks this weekend, you buy me the necklace and I do my best with my chores over the next 8 weeks and you keep my allowance?

Me: That sounds like a great plan…for you. But what happens if you don’t do your chores?

Hamilton: But I will mommy…I promise!

Me: If you want it bad enough, save your allowance and you can get it in 8 weeks.

Hamilton: (gives me yet another dirty look, crosses his arms, and stomps off)

Another 10 minutes later

Hamilton: Mom, I’m afraid if I wait 8 weeks that I won’t want the necklace.

Me: I know that is what will happen, I’m just glad you came to that conclusion on your own. I’m so proud of you baby.

Hamilton: So why don’t you buy it for me now so I can enjoy it before I don’t want it anymore?

Me: (wha…wha…wha!)

And that’s how much my kids appreciate the value of a dollar. I just can’t catch a break! I vow to never ever bring up the topic of the stupid necklace again…or until Easter, whichever comes first.

I’m sure my “divorce guilt” will have taken over again by then and the Easter Bunny will end up putting it in his Easter basket…that darn Easter Bunny..he always gets the best of me.

Bang bang choo choo train, come on Julie do your thing

In case you weren’t aware (read: In case you haven’t read my blog for the past 9 days), today is my birthday

I am 39

I’m not capable of blowing out that many candles on my cake in one breath without passing out.

I’m a single mom, if I want a cake I have to bake it myself…guess I’m not getting a cake.

If I don’t get a present this year from my kids, I may just cry (hello Ex, this is a subtle reminder for you).

39 x 2 = 78, It doesn’t take a genius to see that I am almost dead.

Yes, I’m almost 40…but I’m still sexy…well as long as the lights are off, the candles are lit, and you have had a few cocktails…oh yeah, closing your eyes while looking at me will help too.

Birthday sex…it’s good, unfortunately, I’m not getting any!

You will not see me in my birthday suit…it’s disgusting. If I could return it and get a new one, believe me, I would.

My financial advisor never signs my birthday card…it’s a stamp…it smeared this year.

I don’t care if you are 6 and 9 Hamilton & Gibson, bringing me breakfast in bed is great, however, arguing about who did what the entire time you are presenting me with breakfast only makes my head hurt.

I will settle for nothing less than Macaroni and cheese out of a box for dinner tonight. Hamilton and Gibson, I hope you are reading this. Mommy’s gonna be hungry when she gets home from work.

Grandma, it’s ok to stop sending me a $5 check every year…we’re good!

To Darryl Strawberry, Liza Minnelli, James Taylor, Alec, my twin brother and Jen, his wife…can you all please step aside for one day…just once I would like to have one birthday all to myself.

Oh…and one last thing…Please don’t sing Happy Birthday to me. Hearing that song is like hearing nails on a chalkboard. Instead, might I request a little 50 Cent…

It’s your birthday
We gon’ party like it’s yo birthday
We gon’ sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday

Tick Tick Boom

Here it is, Thursday, March 11th, early in the morning. I’m a little teary eyed. Teary eyed because in less than 24 hours it will be Friday, March 12th. And Friday, March 12th will be the 39th anniversary of my birth. This year is bittersweet! It’s bittersweet because it means I have exactly 1 year, or 365 days, or 8,760 hours to NOT become who my childhood self thought my mom was at forty, and that is OLD!

Don’t get me wrong…I am ready to embrace my 40’s, after all, it’s the new 30’s, right?

I feel good, I’ve had a good life, I have AMAZING friends, an awesome family, and two kick ass sons! I’m NOT complaining, not one bit.

Oh, who am kidding? Of course I’m going to complain, a little. Come to think of it, I only have one small, minute complaint, and in true He Who Laughs Last form, I’m going to take that one small, minute complaint, or what I like to call “a mole hill” and make a “mountain” out of it.

Here goes…

I’m almost 40 people! I’m not dead! This is a wake-up call for single men in their 40’s. It would appear that most of you in my age range, don’t like me. Not “me” personally, but me as a representative of my demographic. It seems to me that the forty to forty-five year old man finds women of my age undesirable.

I get it, I see why you may find women in my age bracket so undesirable. I get that you have probably dated some that are angry, bitter, cynical and a bit jaded. You have probably dated your fair share of women who have never been married and are hearing their clocks tick. You have probably dated many that are newly divorced and bitter. I really do get it. I get that you would rather not deal with them. So you think you have no choice but to date those women that are much younger than you because they can just have fun and are not worried about their biological clock...yet, or haven’t been jaded by divorce.

But trust me, one day these younger, more exciting women will wake up and hear their clock ticking, and you will be fifty. Face it! It's a reality you will have to deal with eventually.

So, as the clock strikes twelve and the sun arises in the morning I know I will be stepping even further into this group of falsely perceived women otherwise known as “desperate”, because I will awake as a 39 year old woman closer to forty than I ever dreamed I would be. It may be a rough day, but it will be no fault of my own because thirty-nine is just a number and I won’t let it define me, even though you might. I am so much more than that.

So “Mr. Confused” don’t count me out. Don’t include me in that group of women you are so scared of. Give me a chance, because I just may surprise you. I’ve grown. I’ve become the woman I never thought I could be. I’m not bitter, jaded, or pissed. I’m just me!

One more thought… if numbers are important to you then I suggest you wake up and smell the coffee pretty soon, and by soon I mean in the next 366days, because in exactly one year and one day my “number” will be even bigger and scarier to you!

I can't hear you over the sound of how pretty you are

I’m embarrassed and ashamed! There I said it! Quite honestly, I never thought I would become this kind of woman, but I have. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I am actually glad that the winter Olympics are over! I know, I hate to even put those words in writing because it makes me sound so un-American.

But the truth of the matter is this…

I didn’t deserve to watch the Olympics because I can’t appreciate the athletes for who they are and what they have accomplished…oh no, I have a sick and twisted mind. You see, I’m not the kind of person that can just enjoy a day at the zoo with my kids, oh no. I have to be sure to check out every cute dad that walks by. I can’t go to the grocery store without a little lipstick. What if Prince Charming walks in while I’m there? I can’t plan my work attire based on the meetings I am having that day. I have to plan my attire based on who is going to be attending said meetings. I’m sick, I’m twisted, and I’m embarrassed.

I thought I had grown up, matured and changed, but I haven’t.

Nope, I haven’t changed one bit, but I have hit ROCK BOTTOM, yep, I have. Truth be told, I couldn’t even watch the Olympics for the pure athleticism of these men and women. Nope! Not me! While everyone was standing around the water cooler talking about how awesome the athletes were, I couldn’t grasp the concept of how much time and energy someone like, this…



must have put into racing around in circles day after day after day. Oh no, I couldn’t appreciate his commitment and hard work. I couldn’t appreciate it, because every time I saw him in competition, I couldn’t help but picture this



I can’t help it, my mind wanders…

What about him…



…Bode Miller? Look at him! Look at the position his body is in. But can I appreciate that his body is in the position while going 80mph? Nope, not me, because when I think of Bode Miller, I can’t help but visualize this…



Hot, isn’t it? When I think of this picture, I fantasize that it is me (and not the camera) that he is looking at while playing with the…ahem…hose. Look at those dreamy eyes and chest muscles…I can only imagine!

I can’t help it, my mind wanders…

What about Christof Innerhofer? Look at the determination on his face.



You can almost feel the power and energy that he has to use to contort his body in a way that makes him fast and tight. But I can’t appreciate it because I only see this



Look at those biceps and delicate baby boy facial features. I just have one word for you…Yummy!

I can’t help it, my mind wanders…

I tried. I really did. I tried so hard to get into cross country skiing and Kris Freeman. Believe me, I know how difficult it is. I’m not a skier. In fact the first time I ever skied I had difficulty walking to the chair lift in my skis. In fact, I got pumbled by the chair lift. They had to stop it until I could get up. So believe me, I know how difficult Cross Country skiing can be. But I can’t appreciate the hard work and dedication that Kris Freeman has here…



Because when I think of Kris Freeman, I see this fantastic specimen of a human being…



Seriously who looks like this?

But again, I can’t help it, my mind wanders.

And here is Kyle Nissen. He is amazing. In my mind anyone that can fly down a ski slope, do multiple twists in the air and land without breaking anything is either a freak of nature, or so phenomenally built that I can’t even stand it. But can I appreciate this?



No way, because when the guys around the water cooler start talking about Kyle, all I can think about is this…



I can’t help it, my mind wanders.

And finally, I have to give a thumbs up to the Canadian hockey team…they rocked it out this year. What an unbelievable gold medal game against the USA, right? Unfortunately, that’s me blowing BS because I honestly have no clue as to the details of that game. Because when I watch him



All I see is this.



I can’t help it, my mind wanders.

I know I have a problem. But it’s a problem that I haven’t come to terms with yet. I know they say you have to hit rock bottom before you can be successful with any kind of addiction recovery. But quite frankly, I’m not ready to deal with it. I have hit rock bottom in the sense that I can’t appreciate awesome atheletes for their accomplishments. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with admiring the human form. And until you can convince me otherwise, I may never recover!

I just have one question for you…when are the summer olymics?

Holy Salsatini Batman

I cannot tell you how excited I am!

Yesterday I received my first birthday present. It was from Scraps, over here. Don’t feel bad, I know the rest of you are super busy and getting my gift is probably still on your “to do list” this week. I know, I get it…I’m a procrastinator too. Never fear…you still have 3 days left before the big day. And heck who am I kidding, even if your gift arrives after my birthday, I will still be super stoked…so no pressure!

Anyway, one of Scraps specialties is getting to know you and then creating a fun, fantabulous drink concoction for your enjoyment. Well, let me just say, this girl is amazing! She is a new follower of my blog, so she doesn’t know me that well yet. But after a few questions she pinned me to a tee! I feel like this woman knows me and knows me well!

She hit the nail on the head when she created this lovely, hard core, bloody mary lovers drink for me.

Peach Salsatini

1.5 oz Vodka
1 oz Pepper Vodka
1 oz Peach Nectar
.5 oz Tomato Juice
.5 oz Pineapple Juice
2 drops Angostura Bitters

Combine all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake like a Flamenco and serve.

Look how pretty it is...

Ok…so right now some of you are probably thinking…that doesn’t sound too good. But if you love a good bloody mary with lots of pepper(by the way, Scraps had no idea of my fascination with a bloody mary) then you will love this martini. I promise!

Really the only bits of information she had about me was that I loved Mexican food, I don’t like my drinks to fruity, and I want to be able to taste the vodka in every sip. She’s a miracle worker people, a definite miracle worker!

If you get a chance, stop over and visit Scraps…she is a very creative woman!

For the rest of you, in case you forgot what I had on my list, below are the items that are still left for purchase…

1. A tummy tuck, or donations towards said tummy tuck
2. World peace
3. A dog
4. A chance to listen to Tiger Woods in a confessional
5. Long hair
6. A magic button that cleans my house
7. A boyfriend
8. Tickets to see creed and a date with “someone who will not be named”
9. A surprise
10.Automatic Iced Tea maker

One down, ten to go!

Whoa...that is some "grade A" smart

First things first…I would like to thank the academy for sending a little Ryan Reynolds my way last night during the Oscars. I’m still basking in the glow this morning. YUMMY! Oh and Academy, just a suggestion, for future years, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin? I have one word to describe this duo…AWESOMENESS! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Now onto our regularly scheduled programming…

I had a moment last week that I am NOT proud of, but feel others can learn a lesson from my ignorance.

A little background information first:

When I was growing up, my parents, a teacher and a financial wizard, always preached the importance of good credit scores. My brothers and I always heard things like, “money doesn’t grow on trees” and “what, do you think I am made of money?” We got an allowance but only when we actually did our chores. When we asked our parents to buy us something at the grocery store, they” always said “No” and we never complained. We understood that things were tight, and there were rules to follow when it came to money.

Unfortunately, I have learned nothing from my childhood upbringing!

Nothing, because I am the mom that tells my kids that money doesn’t grow on trees but still dishes it out like it does. When I ask them if they think that I am made of money, they always respond with "No, but you give us more that dad does.” And, I tend to give them an allowance even though they don’t always do all of their chores. But worst of all, I say things like, “now I expect you to save some of this money and then spend the rest on toys that I won’t buy.” But have I ever not bought them a toy they wanted? Not that I can recall. I have become a huge pushover when it comes to teaching my kids the value of a dollar. But I justify it by thinking to myself, hey, “at least they like me more than their dad.” But the reality is they don’t like me more than their dad…this habit of mine, pleasing my kids, is what I like to call a “reality of my divorce” or “divorce guilt”.

Anyway…back to the story.

Because my parents were so good about instilling in me the value of a dollar, I am a wiz with my credit card spending. I have two credit cards. One with a very low interest rate that I use daily and one that I use just enough to not be penalized, but mostly have for emergencies. It’s the one that could be dangerous because there is no credit limit. But I have it just in case… Most of my day to day spending is done on my debit card. But I do use my the low interest credit card for purchases from time to time throughout the month. However, my rule has always been that I only spend on my credit card(s) what I know I can pay off on a monthly basis. It’s worked for me. I have a great credit score and have never had an issue with this plan.

…Until last week!

I paid my credit card off in mid February and for some reason, I logged into my credit card account online a week later. I can’t remember why, but I did. To my shock there was a charge on my card for $20.95 to a company called 24PROTECTPLUS. The balance was supposed to be zero, so the charge caught my eye. Huh, was my initial reaction. I had no idea what it was. So I called the credit card company to get some more information on the company that made an unauthorized charge on my account. The girl on the other end gave me the information and said, “Ms. He Who Laughs Last, do you realize that this company has been charging your account monthly since January 2008?

Wait! What? Huh? I was livid! I had no idea.

My credit card company sends me an online statement every month that I automatically pay from my checking account. I always know about what the dollar amount is that I charge on my credit card and have never thought to look at my day to day activity, because I have never questioned what my credit card company says I owe. It is always very close to what I “think” I owe, so I have never felt like I needed to question my statement.

So I take action. I call 24PROTECTPLUS and as expected, I get what sounds like a pissed off teenage girl with a freaking attitude. Granted, my attitude wasn’t much better, but I had a little over $600 of unauthorized charges on my credit card from this company that I have already paid, obviously I was a little irritated.

Here is how our conversation went:

Irritated Teenager: “Thank you for calling 24PROTECTPLUS, how can I help you?” (snap, snap, chew, chew, blow bubble)

Irritated Customer (me): “My name is Ms. He Who Laughs Last and I need to talk to someone about refunding some unauthorized charges to my credit card account.”

Irritated Teenager: ”I see you were charged $20.95 in February Ms. He Who Laughs Last. I will be happy to refund this to your account today.”

Irritated Customer: “What? That’s it? You guys have charged my credit card over $600 without my authorization and that is the best you can do?”

Irritated Teenager: (annoyingly snapping her gum) “Ms. He Who Laughs Last, it is not my fault that you aren’t aware that we were charging your credit card monthly. Our confirmation emails clearly state that your lack of a reply to this will give us permission to charge your credit card for our services.”

Irritated Customer: “What exactly are the services that I am paying for?”

Irritated Teenager: (throwing out a huge sigh like I was putting her out) You signed up for our 24 hour medical assistance package that will allow you to obtain your medical records whenever you may need them.”

Irritated Customer: “Seriously, that’s what I apparently signed up for because I didn’t respond to a confirmation email you sent me?”

Irritated Teenage: “uh huh.” (very professional)

Irritated Customer: “I did not in any way authorize these charges, please credit my account all the way back to January of 2008 when your company started taking money out of my credit card without my permission.”

Irritated Teenager: “I’m sorry Ms. He Who Laughs Last, I am not authorized to do that. You will need to speak to my manager. But before I transfer you, would you please rate the satisfaction of my service for you today?”

Irritated Customer: “Hell NO I won’t! Put your manager on the phone.”

Irritated Teenager: “Fine!”

After about ten minutes on hold another teenage girl (who is probably working for $2 an hour) gets on the phone and says:

Irritated Teenager 2: “Ms. He Who Laughs Last, we will be happy to credit your account $620.50 for past unauthorized charges. My ID# is 12345. You should see your credit within the next 1-2 business days. Have a nice day.” Click!

Irritated Customer: (WTF? I say to myself as I listen to the tone of disconnection)

I am now pissed at the lack of respect I have been given by this company. I decide to wait my standard 24Hours before I call back, you know, just to give myself some time to cool off. That was Friday.

I called my credit card company back the following Tuesday morning before calling 24PROTECTPLUS and low and behold the credit of $620.50 had been applied back to my credit card already.

I was shocked that I actually got the credit to my account and that I got it so quick…no questions asked, no paperwork, no proof from my credit card company, no required letters of request…Nothing! That can only mean one thing…this company 24PROTECTPLUS makes its living off of unsuspecting customers like myself, and they don’t want to get busted for running a fraudulent business, so when people figure out their scheme they pay them back quickly and quietly, without a fight, to avoid any potential law suits. It’s a sad sad world that we live in!

This time I was lucky, but I have definitely learned my lesson when it comes to credit card purchases, online shopping, online banking and bill pay.

Do your homework people!

This has been a public service announcement.

Top Ten Friday

Welcome back to our regularly scheduled programming! No more weaving in the top ten list with the meaning of love…Thank God! I'm just here to break it down for you!

Today’s list includes my favorite “useless facts”. Of course there are millions of useless facts…but this list today, is just a sampling of my favorites. Some of them are funny, others not so funny and a few might just make you go “hmmmmm?”

Enjoy!

Top Ten Favorite Useless Facts…

10. A ducks quack does NOT echo.

9. A 2 x 4 is really a 1 ½ by 3 ½ .

8. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

7. The original name for a butterfly was flutterby.

6. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

5. Celery has negative calories. It actually takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has to begin with. Eat up girls!

4. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

3. The Guinness Book of World Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

2. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because farting in a space suit can cause damage to the material.

And my number one favorite useless fact (an it’s only my favorite because it ties into the Oscars this weekend)is…

1. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

Mr. Smarty Pants

Have you ever just been going through your day like a normal person when “WHAM!” something happens that brings back a memory so buried in your inner core that you are shocked you even remembered it?

Well…that exact scenario happened to me last week. And it kind of freaked me out. It made me wonder if there are other things, bad things possibly, that my brain has not let me remember…you know, kind of in a protective way.

But that is not what today’s post is about. Today, I’m going to fill you in on this emotional memory that this particular moment brought back.

Set up:

I’m sitting at my 3rd graders basketball practice, or what I usually like to call “yawn fest”. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to watch my kids play sports! I really do. The games are awesome, but the practices, not so much. Setting up plays, practicing free throws, in bound passes, defense, blah, blah, blah, blah…You lost me at “hello.” Normally I will read a magazine or do a crossword puzzle and let the other parents worry about what my six year old is doing. What? I don’t ignore my six year old on purpose, but sometimes an article in US magazine about the length of Brad Pitt’s beard is so exciting that I forget I brought another child with me.

Anyway, that’s enough bad parenting confessions for one day…back to the story.

This particular practice I am sitting at the top talking with one of the other moms, whom I totally adore. Our oldest sons have been on the same basketball team for the past couple of years. The boys as well as us parents have developed a pretty good friendship. Anyway, my friend, the mom, has three other kids. Her second son is friends with Gibson and then she has two of the cutest freaking girls I think I have ever seen, I would guess they were four and two.

This particular night my friend forgot to bring stuff with her to keep the girls occupied during basketball practice. So they were all over her asking for gum. My friend didn’t bring in her purse so she didn’t have any gum with her. Her girls weren’t excited about that, so she told them to check her pockets. They were pulling out receipts, stickers, scrap papers, pony tail holders…but no gum. Until the youngest reaches into a hidden pocket in her jacket and she pulls out one of these…In the blink of an eye, I start to tear up and get emotional. I immediately have a flashback of the year 1990 when I first met The Ex. It was the summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year at college and I had just started my summer job where he worked.
He was nice and funny and exciting to be around. He was four years older than me and boy I thought he knew how to live life. I was infatuated with him, but not in a, I have to be around you at every moment kind of way. It was more like he was just a really cool guy to hang out with. We had fun together. He taught me how to loosen up and enjoy life a little. We became fast friends and hung out quite a while before we started dating.

Anyway, I was a receptionist at this summer job and he was in sales. I loved working at the same place as The Ex. It made work fun to go to everyday. We would chat and have lunch and shoot each other little glances throughout the day. It was great.

One day, I couldn’t go to lunch with him and was sad. He went with some of his buddies and on the way back stopped to pick up his dry cleaning. When he came back to work he came up to check in and said that he had brought me a little present. I was so excited. What could it have been? A piece of pie, a cup of coffee, a diamond ring? The anticipation was killing me, until he pulled out a package of Smarties he had picked up at the dry cleaners.

He said he had thought of me when he saw them.

It made me smile!

From that day forward he would bring me Smarties every time he picked up his dry cleaning. I loved it that he was thinking about me when I wasn’t with him.

I don’t know what it was about that candy that made him think of me, but to this day every time I see a roll of Smarties I get a little teary eyed and think of him.

Hurry up sugar buns, I'm not getting any younger

There is an event coming up in my life in exactly nine days that I am NOT ashamed to promote. It’s one I have become completely obsessed with. I can’t ignore it, no matter how hard I try so I am embracing it. The event is called, MY BIRTHDAY! I’m going to be 39.

T.H.I.R.T.Y-N.I.N.E, I say in a loud voice!

I remember when my mom turned forty and I thought she was old and over the hill. So, in accordance with that childhood memory, I am going to celebrate this birthday in fashion before I get to old to do so.

What am I going to do, you might ask? Well in the immortal words of Will Ferrell in Old School,

“I have a pretty nice little Saturday planned, we’re going to the Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe even a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.”

Sounds exciting, doesn’t it? I know you are all jealous of me and my exciting life. But the day isn’t going to stop there, oh no. In fact, I’m sure there will be a big family party because my twin brother and his wife also share the same birthday with me…three birds with one stone, I know, how lucky is our family. And because I am not ashamed to ask for gifts, I thought I would share with you all my “gift list”…even in my old age, I’m allowed to have a gift list, at least that’s what I tell myself to keep from feeling bad that I just assume everyone wants to buy me something. But the bottom line is this, whoever said, it’s not about the gift, it’s the thought that counts” probably never got a really great gift for their birthday.

So…here it is…my 2010 Birthday wish list...in case any of you were wondering.

- A tummy tuck- this may be expensive for some of you, so I am accepting donations

- World peace…hey if Obama seems to think a new health care plan is what our country needs, then I can ask for world peace. Honestly, I think we will see monkeys fly out his ass first, but whatever floats his boat

- A dog…my kids really want one, but I honestly think I want one more than them and I am not ashamed to admit it.

- A chance to listen to Tiger Woods in a confessional…I don’t know why, I guess I’m just sick that way.

- Long hair…Every day I regret more and more cutting almost 12 inches of my hair off…why do I always think my hair grows fast? When it’s short, it doesn’t seem to grow fast…

- A home in Hawaii, with my kids, our new dog and of course Ryan Reynolds.

- A magic button that I push that somehow makes my house self cleaning, you know, kind of like my oven.

- A boyfriend who calls me beautiful instead of “lightning hot” (aka, the Bachelor), who calls me back when I hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to my heartbeat, or gurgling stomach, whichever is the loudest, who will stay awake just to watch me sleep, who kisses my forehead because he knows that’s what gets the butterflies going in my stomach, who wants to show me off to the world when I’m in my sweats and not wearing any makeup, who holds my hand in front of his friends, who thinks I’m pretty no matter what. One who is constantly reminding me of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have me. The one who turns to his friends and says, “that’s her” with a big smile on his face.

- Tickets to see Creed in concert and a date with “someone who will not be named”

- A surprise

- Two celebrations a year for my birthday. And for this new rule to be accepted by everyone without a bitch session. Oh, and I want Vince Vaughn, ala Wedding Crashers to make balloon animals at both birthday parties. “Make me a bike clown!”

- A new drink concoction, created just for me! Something with VODKA, a little fruity, but not too sweet, I want to taste the VODKA!

- And for those of you on a budget, an automatic Iced Tea Maker would be great.

You have nine days people.

On your mark, get set, go!

Get wrapping!

And the award goes to...

I have one word to describe last nights Bachelor finale…craptastic! And in case you are wondering, I’m not using the word in a good sense. This was by far the most boring episode of the Bachelor in the history of Bachelor/Bachelorette. So instead of boring you with details of the evening, I have decided to hand out my own Bachelor Oscar awards in hopes that it gets everyone pumped up for Sunday’s Award Show.

Enjoy…

Award: Best overall line of the night
Goes to: Vienna
Line: “I’m not a robot”
Scene: In response to Jake’s Sister-n-law’s comment, “You and Tenley are quite different.”

Award: Worst Tie of the evening (blue paisley)
Goes to: Jake
Comment: Thinks the ABC stylist needs to be fired…Jake was an overall fashion disaster this season
Scene: At the Proposal Pod

Award: Ugliest Cry of the night
Goes to: Tenley
Comment: No explanation necessary. I just felt sorry for her that they kept replaying it.
Scene: Before Jake even speaks one word at the final rose

Award: Worst line of the night
Goes to: Jake
Line: “What was it like to be married for three weeks?”
Scene: On his last date with Vienna

Award: Worst line of the night given in a supporting role category
Goes to: Jake
Line: “Have you ever been concerned with why the emotional chemistry is so hot but
sometimes the physical chemistry is not?”
Scene: Jake to Tenley on their last date

Award: Cheesiest moment in the history of the After the Rose Ceremony
Goes to: Jeffrey Osborn
Scene: Live performance of “On the Wings of Love” which invoked the “Spotlight Dance” circa 1979 American Bandstand style, by Jake and Vienna

Award: Best Bachelor Drinking Game ever invented
Goes to: Julie, Our resident He Who Laughs Last writer
Game: Drink one shot every time the word amazing is used
Comments: I was drunk in the first fifteen minutes…had to quit playing early in order to concentrate

Award: Best Line spoken at a He Who Laughs Last Bachelor Finale Party
Goes to: Julie, Our resident He Who Laughs Last writer
Line: “I’m not sure that I trust this guy to fly pedi eggs and bump its across the country.”

Award: Worst line spoken in a grammatical nature
Goes to: Vienna
Line: Jake and I’s relationship….
Scene: This line was said many times throughout the evening by Vienna. Makes me want to enroll her again in High School English classes.

Award: Worst reason given when asked for an explanation of feelings
Goes to: Jake, the Bachelor
Line: “Physical chemistry with Vienna is lightning hot.”
Scene: Opening monologue recap when he was telling the audience why he liked Vienna

Award: First moment we, the audience, realized Jake was going to pick Vienna
Goes to: Jake, The Bachelor
Line: I know my parents are going to like Tenley, but I really want them to like Vienna
Scene: TV voice over as we were meeting Jakes family

Award: Most confused person of the evening (besides Jake)
Goes to: Jakes Mom
Reason: On more than one occasion, three to be exact, she talked about the importance of her daughters-in-law all getting along, not once did we ever hear her voice her concern for Jake’s happiness

Award: Best obvious line of the evening
Goes to: Jake, The Bachelor
Line: Vienna has this way of making me feel like I’m the only guy in the room
Comment: Duh, Jake, you are the only guy in the room!

Award: Best new word to add to the Webster’s Dictionary
Goes to: Chris Hairison, Our Host
Word: The “Mesnick”
Explanation: Referring to Jake’s scene outside of the hotel when Ali left. Pulling a “Mesnick” or leaning on the railing of the hotel with your head in your hands crying uncontrollably.
Used in a sentence: When a guy pulls a Mesnick it could be a sign that he is also a wet noodle.

Award: Throw up line of the evening
Goes to: Jake, The Bachelor
Line: “Vienna is my baby”
Scene: After the rose ceremony when Chris asked him if he was happy

Award: Most orchestrated event of the whole season
Goes to: ABC production staff
Scenario: Brining Ali back as the Bachelorette
Comments: It was obvious from week two that they were prepping her for that

Award: Worst reason for dumping a perfectly good girl
Goes to: Jake, the Bachelor
Reason: “Tenley was just too perfect”
Comments: Excuse me, but isn’t that what he was so pissed at Jillian for when she dumped him the prior season? Wasn’t he to perfect for her?

Award: Worst “come hither” line of the evening
Goes to: Vienna
Line: “I would like to invite you back to my room for desert and some cheese and crackers.”
Comments: Well, if that doesn’t turn a guy on…nothing else will.,

Award: Worst ABC Tie in of the evening
Goes to: Jake
Reason: Announced as a participant on Dancing with the stars, if that doesn’t spell snooze fest I don’t know what does
Prediction: He will be voted off right after Kate Goselin for not being exciting

Award: Best Announcement of the evening
Goes to: The Oscars
Announcement: Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin as Co-host for the Oscars
Comment: WOOOOOOO WHOOOO! I cannot wait! It will be hysterical

Award: Best Kiss ass line of the evening
Goes to: Tenley
Line: “I am not in love with the idea of Jake, but I am in love with Jake because of his character and the way he lives out these characteristics. His persuing mechanisms are what excites me and for that you should be grateful because he learned it from watching you and your wife.”
Scenario: Tenley telling Jake’s dad why she thought she was falling in love with Jake.

Award: Worst timed moment of the evening
Goes to: Jake’s brothers
Moment: Jumping into the pool for a group hug after Jake just admitted that he finally had a spark with Tenley
Comment: Maybe that was the “spark” Jake was referring to when he said the “lack of it” was the reason Tenley wasn’t chosen.

Award: Runner up for best line of the evening
Goes to: Vienna
Line: “when one girl doesn’t like you, nobody likes you.”
Scene: When Jake’s mom asked her why she didn’t seem to have a lot of girlfriends.

Award: Best porno movie scene
Goes to: Jake and Vienna
Scene: Rubbing mud on each other at the Sulpher Springs Spa
Comments: To hot to talk about

Award: Funniest line of the evening
Goes to: Tenley
Line: I just want to kiss him, hug him and play with him all day long
Comments: Is this a puppy we are talking about or a grown man?

There you have it people…my Bachelor Oscars!
Until we meet again in May for the new season of the Bachelorette with Ali, the back stabber!