It’s a vital part of who we are. God created us all to be communicators whether we want to or not. In my book it is the most important part of a relationship between two people. Whether it be communicating with your boss, spouse, friend, or potential lover it’s imperative to figure out how best to communicate with each other early on.
It’s tricky because people communicate in so many different ways. Some people communicate better verbally, some better with actions, and even some better through written word and song. It’s all acceptable, yet confusing at times.
You see, I like to consider myself a processor. I tend to listen, soak it all in and then sit on things for a day or two before I can come to terms with what has been said. Now, I don’t do this on little things, like what kind of milk to buy, 2% or skim, that would be crazy…but I do process on the bigger things in life. Things like whether or not to send my kids to summer camp, or whether or not to approach my boss on a sticky subject matter, or even whether or not to go out on a date with a cute electrician (more on that at a later date). Those are definitely all “process worthy.”
But my question to you is this, what happens when one person communicates one thing with words and a totally different thing with actions? How do you communicate with someone whose verbal communication speaks a totally different language than his/her actions?
It can be confusing, right?
I have this friend, ok, my non-boyfriend boyfriend, who falls into this category. His verbal communication skills are awesome! I’ve never known a man who can communicate like he does. He is a total people person and loves creating relationships. It’s a skill I truly wish I had. When we go to dinner he makes friends with the waiter/waitress, he chats up the people behind the coffee counters, and even invites strangers to join us for dinner. All super cool qualities to have, that I have never even thought about until I met him. And it’s because of his actions, that he creates these relationships. In fact, we were out to dinner the other night and he made our waitress feel so comfortable that at one point in the meal she actually sat down at our table to chat with us. I love that!
But (come on people, you had to know there was a but coming…no one is ever that perfect) his actions speak a totally different language.
What do I mean by this? Well, I’m not going to spill the detail, but suffice it to say the reason he is my non-boyfriend boyfriend is because we are at two totally different places in our lives. We are headed down two different paths. Well maybe not two different paths, but, let’s just say I am so much further along in my path than he is. But the key is we enjoy spending time together. Unfortunately for me the time we do spend together is often very confusing because he communicates differently verbally than he does with his actions. I often leave his presence very confused and frustrated, but at the same time very excited for the next time when I may see him. And for a processor like me…this is VERY FRUSTRATING!
Bottom line, when communication is good I often feel understood, and emotionally connected which in turn makes me feel confident. But more often than not I am too afraid to do what it takes to create those feelings in any of my relationships, because that would require vulnerability. And vulnerability scares the crap out of me. Because in my mind vulnerability can only mean one thing…hurt.
It’s the one hurdle in my life that I am still trying to overcome…
“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.” -George Bernard Shaw