Thursday, March 3, 2011

Closure smosure...

Recently I’ve been spending some quality time with my therapist. I swear I’m going to give him up one day, but for some reason I just can’t quit him. Maybe it’s because he is one of the only men in my life that I think truly listens to me and genuinely cares about what happens to me. This is definitely the only relationship in my life that is all about me…and I like it. Of course, I have to fork out tons of money every month to have this kind of relationship with a man, but trust me…it’s worth every penny.

I swear it’s because of him (and of course the money that I pay him) that has helped me move on so quickly from my relationship with Mr. Perfect for Me. I have realized over the past month or so many things about myself that I didn’t like when I was in that relationship (more on that later).

But, on the plus side, I have also found out some things that I really liked about myself. Most importantly is the fact that I realized that I don’t need closure at the end of a relationship to move on and be happy. Because for me, closure was becoming more about him than it was me.

Let me explain.

In my relationship with Mr. Perfect for me, I was adamant about getting closure, and like most men, he wasn’t fond of the idea. Even though I was the one that put the final nix on the relationship, I still felt like I needed closure. I felt deep down that I wouldn’t be able to move on unless I knew exactly where things went wrong.
But here is what I realized.

I realized I was sabotaging myself for wanting closure so badly, when truth be told, I just didn’t want to free myself from thoughts and emotions regarding Mr. Perfect for Me. I said I didn’t want to think about him anymore, yet my mind always drifted in that direction.

My “need to know” thoughts seemed to overpower my ability to move on. You know, the questions that hamper us all during a fresh break up. What is he doing right now? Is he hurting? Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he want to reunite with me? Is he happy that it is over? Is he already moving on? Is he sleeping with someone else? Does he care about them like he cared about me? How can he act like this isn’t affecting him? Did he really love me?

What I realized is that the answer to those questions would have made absolutely no difference in my life. I wasn’t willing to wait around for Mr. Perfect for Me to decide if he was going to stick with me or move in another direction and work on rekindling his relationship with his control freak, selfish, type A ex wife who treated him and his kids like crap for years. It didn’t take me long to realize that these questions I was asking myself were all about him, and not ME! The answers to those questions would not have given me closure, they would have only led to more questions.

I also realized that I have a wonderful imagination and I am curious by nature. Which only led to me fantasize about what was going on with him. I would imagine telling him all of the things I didn’t like about him and that he didn’t deserve to be with me anyway. I would imagine him crying when he said how sorry he was(that actually happened). I would go over and over our conversations in my mind just in case I ever see him or talk to him again, I want to be prepared with what I would say. I started picturing him miserable and suffering. The problem is I realized I was living in my imagination rather than accepting my reality and dealing with it.

So, instead of focusing on the shiny happy times, or the things I will miss about Mr. Perfect for me, I started focusing on the bad side of the relationship, and reasons why it didn’t work out and how the signs were probably there from the beginning. I think about the way he handled things in the end and how much he disappointed me. I think about his selfishness and insecurities and I thank God that our relationship stopped when it did. He was not the man for me, and I realize that now.

I’m just glad that I realized it sooner rather than later!


  1. Wow...that's great Julie! I'm glad you have finally realized that you deserve so much more than what he was ever capable of giving you.

  2. I sooooooo did this... and cut myself off of facebook... closure is over rated! :) Happy for you... now you can meet the 'real' Mr Perfect :)

  3. So glad that you've been able to realize all of this and end up in a happier place. Sounds like you have a great therapist - don't quit him! :)

  4. I kind of needed to read this. I just cut myself off from a not so good for me non-relationship and just this morning was thinking of what he was thinking about it, even though I am pretty sure he is not thinking about it. So thank you for sharing your insight. It is greatly appreciated.



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