It's gonna take a miracle

Do you ever have moments in your life when you know you are being given a sign for something, but you aren’t quite sure what it means? I feel like this happens to me more often than not. But most of the time I tend to ignore these signs and try not to read too much into them because I find that those kinds of situations tend to drive me nuts.

If it’s not 100% clear to me I don’t dwell on it or try to figure it out. You see, I’m an instant gratification kind of girl and if it isn’t clear to me I don’t mess with it.

I have recently gotten a sign…a BIG sign…HUGE!

Last night after my workout at the gym I ran into an old girlfriend of mine. We met at church years ago and used to be pretty friendly. Now our schedules seem to get in the way of church and life, so we don’t see each other much. But last night we picked up like we were great friends.

She is a lot like me. She is a hardworking, independent single mom who also struggles with the balance of being a good mom and having a quality relationship. Within 2 minutes of our conversation we start talking about the men (or lack thereof) in our lives.

We can’t help it…it’s what women do.

She, like me, is frustrated with dating. She, unlike me, made the decision about 6 months ago to not date, focus on herself and her happiness. I like who she has become! Don’t get me wrong, she has always been a great girl, but the confidence she has in herself and who she is, was FANTASTIC!

I was quite envious!

Then, this morning, like most mornings, I logged into FaceBook to be a voyer in the lives of my friends... It’s my coffee, I have to do it in order to function. Anyway, as soon as I logged in, I got an instant message beep from another friend of mine who checks up on me regularly. He is a fabulous photographer and a Godly man who is often very encouraging to me about many things in my life. But mostly about my kids, my writing, and my relationships.

And his suggestion to me this morning, out of all mornings, was to stop getting in the way of myself and start focusing on learning to love what makes me, well…me. He suggested that I date…wait for it…that I date myself, and learn to love me first.
He thinks my missing link is that I’m not loving me and expecting to get that love from someone else.

It was then clear to me.

That’s the “thing” that I saw in my girlfriend last night. She had clearly learned how to love herself first and that love is the love that made her life tick. I suddenly realized that no one is going to be good enough for me until I’m good enough for me.

It became all too clear in a chance meeting with an old friend and an IM chat with a Godly man.

So here’s my plan…

I’m deleting my Match.com profile immediately, canceling my two dates this week, and putting the focus back on me. I have so little time to myself and the thought of spending one more minute with a random guy trying to see if there is a connection between the two of us makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of primping, plucking, ironing, and shaving for one more first date makes me want to pull my eyeballs out.

I’m not shutting myself off to dating persay, but I am shutting myself off from looking for Mr. Right. If he is already in my life, then he is going to have to step up to the plate and reveal himself to me. If I he isn’t already a part of my life, well, it’s going to take a miracle to find me.

And I’m ok with that.