An Open Letter

Dear Future Mr.,

While I am anxiously awaiting your fairy tale arrival into my life, I feel like I should warn you that due to my amazing ability to be completely unprepared for the unexpected, chances are when we meet here in the near future, my hair will be a mess, I will look disheveled with a stain or two on my shirt and I will have probably mistaken you for the waiter, the salesman, an egomaniac, a married man or the lifeguard.

Please forgive me!

When you subtly hint at asking me out during one of our very entertaining, funny conversations please don’t take my “blank stare” reaction as one of not wanting to take you up on your offer. You see, it is so rare these days that I get asked out on a “date” date that I probably wouldn’t even know it if it hit me over the head with a big “obvious” sign attached.

But rest assured when I finally “get it” I can promise you I won’t show up to our date in a sleek, dark, shiny , spotless car, because cars never impressed me much. I will never be the girl who can impress you by talking about the horsepower, engine or size of rims. Heck I can’t even promise you my car will be clean. In fact, let me just lay it on the line for you right now, if you ever do get the opportunity to be a passenger in my car, you should be comfortable with the fact that the cheerios, goldfish and sucker sticks that adorn the floor of my car love to attach themselves to pants, shirts and jackets of unsuspecting passengers. I can also promise you that there will be a pair and a half of gloves, one broken window scraper, one empty air freshener, several half empty water bottles, football cards, McDonald's Happy Meal toys and a few books about God somewhere in the car.

I will be the girl who can off red lipstick, high heels and a dress with a neckline down to there, but only on the first date. After that there is more of a chance of me leaving the house in comfortable jeans and a shirt. I will never be around to watch baseball on TV with you and there is a huge possibility that I will scream frantically when something with four, six or eight legs goes scurrying across the floor. So please don’t laugh at me, because if you do, I might just have to bring up how you are scared of clowns just to even the score.

But seriously, it gets better.

I will tell you that I can cook. You will be thrilled at that statement until you actually see my version of cooking. It involves mostly items that you can take out of the freezer, pull the film back and heat in the microwave. On high. For five minutes. And the fact that I shout “holymothershitmothershitthat’shot” every single time I pull your dinner out of the microwave, will make you laugh at first, but trust me, it won’t take long for you to roll your eyes and get irritated that I just can’t seem to figure out that that dang plastic dish is gonna be hot!

Every once in a while I will try on a couple of different pairs of jeans before we go out and ask you which one make my butt look smaller. And if you say “they both look the same” or “your butt looks small in those, but your belly looks big (like Gibson often does)” I will kick your ass and then gently remind you which pair makes me look better. And when you ask me why I find it necessary to own 42 pair of jeans I will attempt to explain to you that they are all different. You will lose interest, possibly even dose off, heck, you might even look at me like you hear what I am saying. I will know you aren’t really interested in the answer, but I definitely appreciate you giving it your all and showing an interest. If you’re I might even show you my appreciation by letting you help me fold a load of those clean jeans.

But…

I will be the girl that makes you chicken noodle soup when you aren’t feeling well, I will run home at lunch to let your dog out when you get tied up at work. I will surprise you with breakfast in bed every once in a while. I will constantly remind you of how sexy I think you are. I will sing your praises to all my friends. I will love you unconditionally. I will remember the name of your favorite childhood game and first girl that ever broke your heart. I will drink beer with your friends, laugh at your jokes, and cherish our relationship.

We will be one of those cool couples that love to be with each other, but also understands the importance of alone time or time away with our friends. We will be one of those couples that enjoys PDA when we are the ones involved and laugh at those expressing PDA when we aren’t involved. We will try all of those Cosmo approved sex tricks that we sometimes laugh at but insist on trying. I won’t tell anyone that you like to dance if you won’t laugh at me every time I cry while watching a movie that I have already seen. I will stay up late watching sports with you and will tell my friends how lucky I am to have you.

Of course I realize that our initial meeting could go exactly like this or it may not. But I thought I should at least let you know in advance that I am less scared of you now than I once was. And when we do meet, I’m sure I will be charmed, that is of course, if I don’t mistake you for a salesman.

Looking forward to our first awkward encounter.

Inspired by this.