I can't fix what's made to be

WARNING: This is NOT my typical post. If you have come here looking for the normal shits and giggles that you often get at He Who Laughs Last, I suggest you move on for the day. Today’s post is abnormally serious, but one I must broach. I promise, I will be back on the up and up, and by up and up I mean I will be funny again SOON.

I don’t know about you, but I often miss the little girl whose dreams had no barriers, who believed in a world where anything was possible, who had a heart that was full and unbroken. I wonder at times when that little girl left and I became an adult. At what point in time did I become that girl that no longer wanted to play with dolls and ride my bike with friends. When did I start to think that dressing up and playing with barbies was childish and immature? When exactly did life become so difficult?

If I could pinpoint that moment in time, I would go back and hit the pause button. I would wake up early and play with my friends, I would break out the barbies and the dolls, I would run wild through the neighborhood without a care in the world. I would make Popsicles out of orange juice and catch lightning bugs, just one last time. Because on days like today those are the memories that we hold onto for dear life, those are the memories that keep us going through the hurt and the pain of being adults, those are the memories that we never want to let go of.

The past few weeks have been very difficult. They have included multiple counts of uncontrollable crying, many run- ins with annoying people, four or five counts of emotional eating, one count of uncontrollable spending, several counts of regretful Ex-texting, and one massive headache that just won’t go away.

In fact, I finally had to call my doctor to prescribe me something so that I could sleep at night. It has been a hell of a few weeks and I have often wished I could go back to the days of my youthful innocence. But yet again, I am reminded of the words my mom said to me many times growing up… “this too shall pass.”

My response to that today is… “oh yeah, when?”

You see, I have gotten myself into a little…ahem…predicament as of late that I knew I would regret in the long run, but I just couldn’t help myself. I tend to be an “instant gratification” kind of girl and this behavior has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion. Especially when dealing with matters of the heart.

I’m not proud of my behavior or my actions, but what is done is done…Now I just have to figure out how to move on.

You see, I have made yet another bad decision, that I thought I could handle, only to get myself hurt in the long run. And that bad decision was reconnecting with someone from my past when I knew deep down in my heart that it would lead to nowhere…fast!

The moment he first indicated an attraction was awesome! There was excitement, I had butterflies. I was thrilled. It was a moment I had dreamed about for a long long time. Then there was the connection and the control, it was like a ball rolling down a hill, it just kept moving faster and faster. I reached out, I grabbed the opportunity. I was in it for the fun. But the fun ended when someone got hurt. I got hurt. He doesn’t know how hurt I am. I won’t ever tell him because I thought I was in control. Clearly, I wasn’t. I feel so stupid, yet again. I feel so ugly, yet again. I feel so hurt, yet again. And he will never know, yet again.

Back to square one, yet again!