These are not "holla" moments

Have you ever had one of those days when you just want to throw in the towel and proclaim your hatred for motherhood? I don't have those kinds of days very often, in fact, I can count on two fingers the number of times I have had this particular thought. And both times, I felt so guilty for actually thinking how much I hated motherhood. After all, it is what I was born to do...I just know it. And if I was born to do this, then how come I hated it so much on those particular days?

One of the toughest parts of feeling this way was trying to figure out a way to not think this way and think happy thoughts, you know, the reasons why I love being a mother. And in order to do that, like always with me, I had to state the negative thoughts in order to move on and allow myself the opportunity to focus on the positive. So I came up with these lists:

What I don't love about being a mom:

I don't love worrying from day to day about where the money will come from to support my kids from now until they are on their own. I am barely surviving on what I have now and the thought of clothing and feeding two teenagers just makes me sick to my stomach.

I don't love it when my kids say "you just don't love me" when I punish them. This is the one statement that always breaks my heart. How can they think that? Don't they know that I would do anything, and I mean ANYTHING for them?

I don't love the question "why". I hear this a hundred times a day. I don't always have an answer, and this frustrates me. I try to tell my kids that I know everything, but that I just don't know everything on every day. They used to fall for it, but are to the point where they don't anymore. This, often times, leaves me saying "uhhhhhh, I don't know" when answering their questions. And I don't know about you, but when my kids hear "I don't know" it just prompts them to ask "why" again...it's a never ending viscous cycle.

I don't love it when my kids throw fits or cop an attitude. They are 8 and 6 and I think they should know better than to behave this way. But what I have to remember is that they are 8 and 6 and are supposed to still be acting this way.

I don't love it when they get out of bed immediately after I have tucked them in. There is nothing more irritating than putting my kids to bed for the evening and relaxing for the first time that day, only to hear the pitter patter of little feet running down the hallway. I try to be patient, especially when they are coming into my room for one last hug, or one last kiss, or just because they need to see me again.

What I love about being a single mom:

I love to hear my kids laugh and giggle! I love to hear them get excited about things, whether it be their favorite sports team winning from behind, or bouncing on the beds, or waking up on a Saturday morning and realizing it's not a school day. Anytime my kids get excited about something it makes me happy!

I love to see my kids learning new things. I love it when they learn new things at school and then bring it home to teach me or each other.

I love going on adventures with my kids. Wheter it is a road trip, a bike ride on a new route, or a hike in the woods in our neighborhood...new adventures always make me happy.

I love when my kids are curious. I love when they ask me questions (except for the "why" one, of course)and I have to explain things to them. It's sometimes even fun when I get to make up the answer!

I love that my boys still need me. They need me to teach them things, explain things to them, read to them, and play with them...but my favorite thing about being needed is when they just want to cuddle on my lap because they need to feel my love.

As I look back over my almost nine years of being a mom, there are many things to remind me of how lucky I am to know what the love of a child feels like. Things like, being needed in the middle of the night to comfort the one who has just had a bad dream, putting ketchup on anything as long as they eat it, hugs around the waist, watching Star Wars instead of the Young and the Restless, cutting off crusts, my office walls full of original artowrk, the magic kiss that heals all bumps and bruises, my children shound asleep, the macaroni necklace made with love and care, wearing the special macaroni necklace, syrup kisses in the mornings, not worrying about those few extra pounds because those are the few extra pounds that make me so cuddly, a bouquet of dandelions, and last but not least, love is saying no at the right times when I know that saying yes is easier.