Hello lover

Men. You can’t live with them…you can’t live without them. That’s how the saying goes anyway! What is it about men that makes them so indecisive when it comes to the relationships in their lives? To me, it just seems like so many of them are afraid to settle down with someone that they love for fear that someone else better will come along, or for the fear of being with one fantastic woman for the rest of their lives. I mean, I know it seems scary, but after all, that is how God created us to live. I don’t understand why most men struggle with this.

Recently it seems like it has been the other way around in my life. And by the other way around, I mean, “Julie, you can’t live with her, you can’t live without her.” I have had two ex’s come back into my life over the past few months. One, “Joey bag of Donuts” as I like to call him, I will talk about here today. The other, I may never talk about…so don’t ask…I’m not gonna tell you…my lips are sealed!

Anyway, Joey bag of Donuts is a fantastic man! I dated him about 6 months after my divorce was final. I had no business dating him then because I was no where near emotionally ready to be in a relationship. Oh I thought I was…but looking back now…NO WAY! At that point in my life, I was still very hurt that my ex-husband had walked out on me and our family and that hurt led to a very lonely time for me. And the company of a very handsome man was sooooooo much better than being lonely!

Joey bag of Donuts lives in a different state than I do, so as a single mom it was difficult to carry on any kind of relationship. I can remember skipping out on work many times when my boss would leave early and he never knew. My boss at the time was a complete idiot that only cared about himself and his huge ego...so I got away with a lot of stuff at that job that I would never dream of doing at my current job. But I digress. Joey bag of Donuts was very distinguished looking, very attractive and had an awesome smile. He was the total opposite of my ex-husband in the looks department and from as young as I can remember, my "type" of guy. Joey Bag of Donuts and I always seemed to have fun when we were together. He always put a huge smile on my face and I enjoyed his company. Until one day out of the blue...Joey bag of Donuts stopped calling. I was sad and hurt because I thought we were good for each other. But what I found out months later, after we slipped into the "friend zone," was that he was no where ready for a relationship either. So for the next couple of years Joey Bag of Donuts and I would become pen pals...text buddies and have the occasional phone conversation. He would run potential date material by me, we would talk about our relationships as they were happening and eventually became really good friends. To this day I consider Joey bag of Donuts one of my closest male friends.

Why do I bring up Joey Bag of Donuts now, you might ask? Well...he was in town this weekend for a hockey tournament and we had made plans to get together. I watched the hockey game and then afterward we met up for dinner and drinks. I hadn't seen Joey Bag of Donuts or been in his company in almost 2 years. And what really excited me was that he was even better looking than I had remembered. He had more salt and pepper in his hair and for those of you that know me well, you know that I am a complete sucker for salt and pepper hair on men. Anyway our dinner was great...it's like we picked up where we had last left off...like we were good buddies catching up. He made me smile, I made him laugh and I will be honest with you there was some physical attraction on both our parts. I hated to leave Joey Bag of Donuts at his car at the end of the evening, but that is what friends do.

The hardest part of the entire evening with Joey Bag of Donuts was when he admitted to me that he never should have let me go. Part of me enjoyed hearing that but the other part of me was hurt. Why wasn't I good enough 2 years ago for him? What about me had changed so much so that he wanted to be with me now and not then? It is so frustrating! Unfortunately, in my mind, I have already placed Joey Bag of Donuts in the friends zone and no one has ever made it from the friend zone to the relationship zone in my book...this is just a transition in life that I have never been comfortable with.

In the end, I just hope that one day I meet a man that is at the same place in his life as I am and one that will see me for the great woman that I am at that moment and not 2, 3, 4 or 5 years down the road. He will see that I am a woman with a good head on her shoulders, who can financially and emotionally support herself and her two children, who has a great job, an awesome house and car, who has very little baggage, no credit card debt and is looking for someone to share her life with. That's it...that's all I ask for! I don't think it's much. Any takers?

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to this weeks edition of Top Ten Friday where I break it down!

Top ten things said by my relatives this Thanksgiving

10. "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

9. "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

8. "Are you ready for seconds yet."

7. "Just wait your turn, you'll get some."

6. "Don't play with your meat!"

5. "You still have a little bit on your chin."

4. "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

3. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

2. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

And the number one funniest thing said by one of my relatives on Thanksgiving...

1. "Gibson, get your hands out of Santa's pants!"

Ok...#1, that was said by me...classy, huh? I thought these were all funny yesterday, maybe it was the wine...maybe it is my dirty mind, I may never know!

Hope everyone had an awesome Thanksgiving!

These are not "holla" moments

Have you ever had one of those days when you just want to throw in the towel and proclaim your hatred for motherhood? I don't have those kinds of days very often, in fact, I can count on two fingers the number of times I have had this particular thought. And both times, I felt so guilty for actually thinking how much I hated motherhood. After all, it is what I was born to do...I just know it. And if I was born to do this, then how come I hated it so much on those particular days?

One of the toughest parts of feeling this way was trying to figure out a way to not think this way and think happy thoughts, you know, the reasons why I love being a mother. And in order to do that, like always with me, I had to state the negative thoughts in order to move on and allow myself the opportunity to focus on the positive. So I came up with these lists:

What I don't love about being a mom:

I don't love worrying from day to day about where the money will come from to support my kids from now until they are on their own. I am barely surviving on what I have now and the thought of clothing and feeding two teenagers just makes me sick to my stomach.

I don't love it when my kids say "you just don't love me" when I punish them. This is the one statement that always breaks my heart. How can they think that? Don't they know that I would do anything, and I mean ANYTHING for them?

I don't love the question "why". I hear this a hundred times a day. I don't always have an answer, and this frustrates me. I try to tell my kids that I know everything, but that I just don't know everything on every day. They used to fall for it, but are to the point where they don't anymore. This, often times, leaves me saying "uhhhhhh, I don't know" when answering their questions. And I don't know about you, but when my kids hear "I don't know" it just prompts them to ask "why" again...it's a never ending viscous cycle.

I don't love it when my kids throw fits or cop an attitude. They are 8 and 6 and I think they should know better than to behave this way. But what I have to remember is that they are 8 and 6 and are supposed to still be acting this way.

I don't love it when they get out of bed immediately after I have tucked them in. There is nothing more irritating than putting my kids to bed for the evening and relaxing for the first time that day, only to hear the pitter patter of little feet running down the hallway. I try to be patient, especially when they are coming into my room for one last hug, or one last kiss, or just because they need to see me again.

What I love about being a single mom:

I love to hear my kids laugh and giggle! I love to hear them get excited about things, whether it be their favorite sports team winning from behind, or bouncing on the beds, or waking up on a Saturday morning and realizing it's not a school day. Anytime my kids get excited about something it makes me happy!

I love to see my kids learning new things. I love it when they learn new things at school and then bring it home to teach me or each other.

I love going on adventures with my kids. Wheter it is a road trip, a bike ride on a new route, or a hike in the woods in our neighborhood...new adventures always make me happy.

I love when my kids are curious. I love when they ask me questions (except for the "why" one, of course)and I have to explain things to them. It's sometimes even fun when I get to make up the answer!

I love that my boys still need me. They need me to teach them things, explain things to them, read to them, and play with them...but my favorite thing about being needed is when they just want to cuddle on my lap because they need to feel my love.

As I look back over my almost nine years of being a mom, there are many things to remind me of how lucky I am to know what the love of a child feels like. Things like, being needed in the middle of the night to comfort the one who has just had a bad dream, putting ketchup on anything as long as they eat it, hugs around the waist, watching Star Wars instead of the Young and the Restless, cutting off crusts, my office walls full of original artowrk, the magic kiss that heals all bumps and bruises, my children shound asleep, the macaroni necklace made with love and care, wearing the special macaroni necklace, syrup kisses in the mornings, not worrying about those few extra pounds because those are the few extra pounds that make me so cuddly, a bouquet of dandelions, and last but not least, love is saying no at the right times when I know that saying yes is easier.

Don't hate the player, hate the game

One of the most stressful parts about the Thanksgiving holiday is projecting forward into the future that we call Christmas. Because the week of Thanksgiving is one of the only times each year that my entire family is together we tend to discuss our “wish lists” for the giving of gifts more than anything else. I know, it defeats the purpose of the Thanksgiving holiday, but it is what it is. I don’t argue with the process.

The toughest part of obtaining this “wish list” from family members is the one I struggle to get from my dad each year, because he is the guy that always says “surprise me” when asked for his wish list. However, this year was much different…he had a list…thank you Jesus! No more struggling with what to buy the guy who doesn’t ever want anything! But never fear, there was still one in the group, that tried to be bad ass and not come up with a list…and this year it happened to be my friend, let’s call him “I’m easy to shop for”. Here is how our conversation went.

Me: Hey, “I’m easy to shop for”, what do you want for Christmas?

I’m easy to shop for: Oh, I don’t know. You are always good at getting me the perfect gift. I’m sure I will be happy with whatever you get me.

Me: Ok, how about a gift card from In and Out?

I’m easy to shop for: What is In and Out? I’ve never heard of it.

Me: In and Out Burgers

I’m easy to shop for: But we don’t have one in Indy do we?

Me: No, but there is one in Phoenix, Arizona. You could just purchase an airline ticket for about $400, fly out there on a 3 ½ hour flight, grab a burger and come right back. $400 and an 8 hour round trip, could be fun! It would be worth it because In and Out Burgers are sooooooo good” ( I say with a “how you like me now smirk” on my face).

I’m easy to shop for: Ok that sounds awesome! (damn he has seen through me and is going to play my game)I needed a good reason to go back to Phoenix. And I have never had an In and Out burger. But, you know I don’t like to travel alone, so I would only go if you went with me.

Me: But I’m on a diet

I’m easy to shop for: No, but you like fountain drinks and I’m sure they have a soda machine. Besides, wouldn’t you feel bad not being there to see me appreciate the gift you so thoughtfully gave me?

Score: I’m easy to shop for: 1
Me: a big fat ZERO!

Doooohhhhhhh! So the moral to the story is…never stoop to the level of your obnoxious friends! Give your gifts from the heart! And certainly never ever try to outwit the guy who can outwit everyone!

I love getting up in the morning! I clap my hands and say "this is gonna be a great day!"

This time of year it is difficult not to think about the things we are thankful for. In fact, I find myself constantly thinking about what it means to be thankful? I’m not talking about being thankful in a way I am when someone opens a door for me, what I’m talking about is the feeling of being thankful for the blessings in my life! So today I am reflecting back on the things that I am thankful for…the things that touch me to the core because they are a subtle reminder to keep me focused on the positives in my life. And because this list is so impactful to me, I thought I would share a few, or 15 of them to be exact, with you. I love this list and hope that I will continue to look back on it and be truly thankful for these things every time I am feeling down, depressed or sorry for myself. Because at the end of the day, I really am a lucky girl to have all of these things in my life!

1. I am thankful for my family, especially my parents: Even though my mom isn’t here today, she would definitely be proud of the mom, daughter, sister, friend and woman I have become. And my dad, what can I say about him other than he is AMAZING! My brothers, boy…I don’t even know where to begin with them other than I adore the fact that they support me no matter what! And my adorable kids…I’m just thankful that no mater what the outcome of the day, they always, and I mean always, manage to put a huge smile on my face!

2. I am thankful for my independence: I am so thankful for being single and having the freedom to make the decisions I want about my life without having to run it by anyone else!

3. I am thankful for clear crisp fall days perfect for an afternoon run

4. I am thankful for hot showers on a cold morning. I know it’s crazy, but I get a lot of thinking done in the shower…many a good blog posts have come from a long hot shower.

5. I am thankful for my awesome friends who always make me laugh and give me a shoulder to cry on when I need it.

6. I am thankful for sleep…as much as possible…and oh yeah, uninterrupted too!

7. I am thankful for the freedom to believe in the God of the Bible!

8. I am thankful for being healthy: sure, I may need take a few steps and stretch in the morning before I feel less like an 80 year old woman upon waking, but in general I feel good!

9. I am thankful for music: It’s what gets me going in the morning and winds me down at night. Plus there is nothing better than watching my 6 year old dancing around the house listening to his iPod…can I just say, priceless!

10. I am thankful for the Internet: it’s every girls dream…I mean, who wouldn’t want to be able to, book a fun trip to Hawaii, buy a cute purse, and shop for a husband all without leaving the comfort of your bed?

11. I am thankful for the joy of writing: I’m not saying I’m particularly good at it, but hey, I’m a much better writer than say a woodworker, fencer, or artist…It’s my outlet and I’m thankful to have a place to share my stories.

12. I am thankful for being able to appreciate the weird things people do. Today on my way to work I saw a construction worker bent over and showing the largest amount of butt crack I had ever seen…it made me laugh!

13. I am thankful for random acts of kindness. My ex mother-in-law is a prime example of this. Every time she goes to Starbucks for coffee, she always buys the coffee of the person behind her. One question, how come I’m never directly behind her in line?

14. I’m thankful for my bronchial inhaler on a cold morning run.

15. I’m thankful for a job that I love and that I learn from each and every day…no matter how much I complain about it, I am right where I am supposed to

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to another edition of Top 10 Friday, where I break it down! ...You're welcome!

Top 10 things I have learned from my guy friends

10. You CAN get busted for making out in a car even when you are in your 30's and 40's.

9. Single men in their late 30's and early 40's are often LESS mature than 18 year old boys.

8. You can NOT jump in the air and land in the splits on the dance floor without doing some serious damage to your body.

7. How to pee standing up without getting any pee on me.

6. I have enough friends and pen pals and don't need any "text buddies".

5. I don't like foot massages.

4. The worst thing about being lied to is knowing that I wasn't worth the truth.

3. I sometimes talk in my sleep...apparently it is kind of cute.

2. I should get my tires checked BEFORE the first big winter storm of the season.

And the #1 thing I have learned from my guy friends is...

1. A wingman is more important to a single guy than the friendship of a great girl.

I am, therefore, I date

Growing up, I was your typical girly girl, I often dreamt of the fairy tale wedding, my prince charming, my knight in shining armor. I grew up believing he would one day come into my life and make me the happiest girl on earth. I had a notebook full of wedding dresses, cakes, beautiful boys from Tiger Beat that I could only hope would one day be my real life prince charming. Then I grew up and I thought I had met the man of my dreams. I married him, and poof, just like that, one day, those dreams were gone, and I was suddenly forced to find dreams of my own.

This childhood dream, brings me to the reality of present day dating. I have learned a lot over the years about dating. But the one thing I haven’t seemed to learn yet is how to keep a man around. Come to think of it, as I write that statement, I realize that I don’t think I have ever dated anyone that was really worth keeping around. Oh, at the time I thought a couple were keepable, but looking back now, if I had kept any of them around, I might be working through divorce #2.

One thing I have come to realize is that I prefer to date divorced men. Because in the eyes of society, they are like me, failures, tainted and have lots of baggage. We, divorced people, know this is not true, but we have come to terms with how others see us. Even in my church, divorce and singleness are looked down upon, maybe not deliberately, but we are. Sermons are always geared toward happily married families. Oh sure, sometimes they throw us a bone, by adding “and you single people too” to the end of a sentence, but in general we are looked down upon. And I can’t help but think of my children when I think of men who have never been married…you know in an “attached to my apron strings” kind of way. I also think, “wanderer”, “selfish”, and “in great need of attention” when I think of men that have never been married. But if I were being completely honest with myself, if he is cute and emotionally available I would still give him a chance whether he had been married or not…hey, I’m completely open to someone saying “I told you so” if I meet and fall in love with a guy who has never been married. But I digress… Back to my original point of why I like dating divorced men.

Men who are divorced, oftentimes, are fathers. They know firsthand and understand what kind of life I lead, a life that is hectic and very rarely has time for outside relationships. They obviously aren’t afraid of commitment, because if they were they wouldn’t be divorced. Most divorced men have a greater appreciation for my post-pregnancy body than most single men do.
Because these men are divorced it makes me believe that they have had the time to work on themselves and hopefully they have learned from their mistakes. Their divorce also suggests to me that they plan to make better choices the next time around. They will hopefully have a better understanding of what it means to choose their partner for the right reasons and not all the wrong reasons. But most importantly, dating a divorced man means that some other woman loved him enough to test drive him and break him in…so he can’t be all that bad, right?

Why do I bring all of this up, you might ask? Well, unfortunately for me I recently went on a date with a divorced dad whom I thought had potential but defied everything I described up above. This guy, I will call “bitch, moan and complain” did just that all night long, bitched moaned and complained. The biggest turn off to me is someone that complains about paying child support. Dude…it’s the law! It’s not like we are trying to scam the money from you. It is money you owe for the sole purpose of “supporting your child”…hence the name. Does it always seem fair, no…but it is the law! Does it make things tough sometimes…you bet. Suck it up…it is your obligation to your children-THERE IS NO GETTING AROUND IT!

But my biggest pet peeve about “bitch, moan and complain” was the fact that he kept referring to himself as a “single dad”. But after having a couple of drinks with him before dinner what I quickly realized was that he is not a “single dad” but a “part time” dad. The difference between the two, you might ask? A single dad has 50/50 (or more) custody of his children. He understands his role as a parent/dad/caregiver to his children. A man who sees his kids every other weekend has not earned the “single dad” status. Whether he knows it or not, his ex’s parenting responsibilities far outweigh his. More than likely, he doesn’t even know what his responsibilities are. In fact, I know he doesn’t. Over dinner, he was complaining about how his ex-wife called him to ask him to help pay for an activity one of their kids wanted to do and he denied her request with the excuse…”that’s what I pay you for every month.” Never fear ladies, I set him straight. That is, in fact, not what he pays her for every month. First, he sends her a child support check every month, not a payroll check. And second, this check is to be used to put food on the table for their children, to put a roof over the heads of their children, to clothe their children…do you get the picture?

Funny, I never heard from “bitch, moan and complain again.” And I am good with that!

How do I like my chicken...grilled or mcnuggeted?

Ok…I saw this on another bloggers site but for the life of me I can’t remember where I stole the idea. So if you are reading this and it is something you have done on your blog, please leave me a comment so that I can give you the credit you deserve!

I love these little meme’s for a couple of reasons. First, because in case you haven’t realized it yet, I like to talk about myself on my blog, and second, because these are usually a bit of a challenge for me. This one is called “Three’s”. Apparently, I am supposed to answer each question with my top three responses. You should try it, maybe you will learn something about yourself.

Three words/pharses I say too often
1. Seriously people!
2. You’ve got to be kidding me!
3. Because I said so! (this makes me cringe every time I say it because it reminds me of how much I used to hate it when my mom and dad said it to me. OMG! I have become my parents!)

Three things I do that make me feel like I am 14 years old
1. Facebook
2. Watch (and love) reality TV
3. Read celebrity gossip magazines like they are the bible! (kind of reminds me of my Tiger Beat days)

Three quirks that make me feel like I am 84 years old
1. I try to avoid going places that still allow smoking
2. Hobbling every morning when I get out of bed
3. Cutting myself off from liquids after 8pm…I will admit it…I hate getting up in the middle of the night to pee.

Three things/people that make me swoon
1. Ryan Reynolds
2. A new pair of jeans
3. Anyone who is male, emotionally available, and single

Three recent purchases that make me happy
1. My new car
2. The redesign of my blog…it’s coming very very soon…stay tuned!
3. A brand new air freshner for my family room…it helps take away the little boy smell that I can’t seem to get out of my house. Thought it was better to get a new air freshner than get rid of the cute little boys.

Three words I commonly misspell
1. Definitely
2. Misspell
3. Receive (every time…and I mean EVERY TIME I spell this word I have to recite “I before e except after c” silently to myself)

Three of my best Halloween costumes
1. Waldo from Where’s Waldo…this was definitely my favorite
2. ½ of (2) peas in a pod…difficult costume to wear to a party…hard to go to the bathroom when you are attached to someone all night long
3. Axel Rose, my ex went as Slash…don’t laugh, it was the early 90’s!

Three things I do exceptionally well
1. Procrastinate (I’m not bragging, I’m just saying)
2. Make others laugh
3. Going against every English lesson I ever learned when I write

Three things I do NOT do exceptionally well
1. Think before I speak
2. Waiting for the good things that supposedly come to those who wait
3. Keep in contact with my friends (reversing this is a HUGE goal for me this year)

Three people I would love to be for a day
1. Scarlett Johansen, and I think we all know why!
2. John Stewart, I wouldn’t necessarily want to be him for a day, but I would love to be his shadow for an entire day…I think I would probably bust a gut
3. Oprah Winfrey, I can’t really stand her, but I wish I could live her lifestyle for just one day

Three people I would not want to be for a day
1. Ann Coulter
2. Sara Palin
3. Lindsey Lohan

Now after looking at these again I have come to realize one thing, it’s no wonder why I am single.

I have become the girl who uses phrases like “because I said so”, who is addicted to reality TV, celebrity magazines, and Face book. I am someone who can’t walk when getting out of bed in the morning, and has to stop drinking liquids after 8pm for fear of wetting the bed in the evenings. I am someone that basically wants to off Scarlett Johansen so that I can get to her man. I am someone who can’t spell worth a crap, that likes to dress up, make others laugh, wants to live like Oprah and can’t seem to have enough airfreshner in her house to rid it of “little boy” smell. Hmmmm….how do you like me now? Appealing, isn’t it? I know, shocking that I am available, isn't it?

Whoa...pump the brakes negative Nancy

I know I have mentioned this in some of my past posts, but I have to talk about this issue one last time. My issue...I hate the word hate. The descriptive nature of this word is very strong. I try not to use it but sometimes it just slips out. In fact, I have become so aware of how much I use this word that I am going to start (after this post today) being better about not using it so much. But in order to do this I need an outlet to get the word out of my system. So, one last time, I am going to focus on this ugly word and then move on and never use it again! Ok...I can't promise I won't say it again or not talk about these things anymore, but I will try! So here goes, the top 25 things I hate:

25. I hate it when people turn on their cell phones as soon as their airplane touches down at the airport. Seriously, I wonder how we ever left an airplane without checking our messages first.

24. I hate being called to speak in front of a group of people without being warned in advance. The whole "imagine the people in their underwear" theory...yeah, it doesn't work for me.

23. I hate people who talk shit about other people, and then suddenly become sensitive when someone talks shit about them.

22. I hate girls who ditch their girlfriends once they have a boyfriend.

21. I hate being bombarded with pictures of Suri Cruise in the media. Seriously people, I don't care that you think she is the cutest dressed celebrity child...I have seen cuter!

20. I hate girls who snag guys (crushes in particular)from me, right out from under my nose even though they are completely aware of my feelings towards said crush.

19. I hate Disney's recent version of A Christmas Carol with Jim Carey...what were they thinking? It was not one of their best!

18. I hate John Mayer. As a singer, he is ok, but as a sex symbol? Come on people...that makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little!

17. I hate people who think they know it all and try to tell me I am wrong just because I don't agree with something they said.

16. I hate people who perpetuate gossip because I don't like gossip.

15. I hate...no wait, I like...ok, I hate...on a good day I like...no, I definitely hate...ok, if I were being honest, I like that I am sometimes not strong enough when it comes to my ex.

14. I hate people that don't stick up for their friends.

13. I hate "yes men"!

12. I hate working on Saturday's. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I hate it!

11. I hate being lied to because it is a subtle reminder that I wasn't worth the truth.

10. I hate when people beg you for your friendship and then once they get it, they forget about you.

9. I hate immature boys!

8. I hate hypocrites! But more than that, I hate when I catch myself being a hypocrite!

7. I hate Parks and Recreation...I love a lot of the character actors in it, but hate the show...it's just not funny!

6. I hate that my crush got married a couple of weekends ago.

5. I hate people who post shirtless pictures of themselves online.

4. I hate people who have "done everything" that you have done only they have done it better than you.

3. I hate when people don't respond to a text message within a decent amount of time...come on people...it's almost 2010...

2. I hate being judged by those in my church.

1. I hate top 25 lists!

My dreams are always one cloud away from where I am standing

Have you ever thought about your circumstances? I mean really thought about them? I have! In fact, I think about mine all of the time. And I think about them mostly in a way of how they will affect my future. Where will I be in ten years? Who will I be? What will I have? Who will I love? If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that ten years is a lifetime. Anything can happen. Some days I can’t even tell you what I need to accomplish in a day, let alone in the next ten years. But I’m going to try!

In ten years I will have an eighteen year old and a sixteen year old, both boys. I’m assuming they will hate me like most teenagers who hate their parents. I’m sure that I will be a totally uncool mom. But they will have to be nice to me because I will be the one with the car, the car keys and the money. I will be the keeper of all that is good and necessary in high school! I hope to be living in the house where my kids and all of their friends like to hang out. This, of course, would mean that I will need to have a stocked pantry and refrigerator, a killer big screen TV and all of the coolest hippest video games imaginable to man. And in order to have these things for my children, it means that I would have to have an amazing job that pays me a shitload of money.

Getting beyond the “stuff”…I hope that my boys and I will be able to have open dialogues about any and all topics. Girls, friends, feelings, who they are going to marry, letting them know that it’s ok if they don’t want to get married, their dad, school, their future, etc.

I’ll be almost fifty by then. Of course, by that time fifty will be the new thirty which would mean that I would be younger in ten years than I actually am now…crazy, huh? By that time, I hope to have a lot of years under my belt at my current job. Maybe do some more ladder climbing, have more recognition, and more appreciation from others for the job I am doing. Or maybe I will even have a combination of jobs that allow me more time with Ham and Gib and more time to persue my own ideas of the title I want after my name. A man? The idea of this now, I struggle with. I want to maintain my independence and I have no idea how to do that within the confines of a relationship anymore. But in contradiction, I also want someone in my life that could take care of me too…odd, isn’t it? It’s almost like I want my cake and I want to eat it too. Fiercely independent streak…be gone!

In ten years time? I want a strong mental state as well as physical. A good therapist. Great sex. A medication combination that works. A support system and a plan in place. No body/self-esteem issues. I want to be in a healthy relationship that will be an example to my kids. Bottom line…whether I have grand plans or not, the next ten years are going to happen. I can only hope that life will be kind to me. And in exchange, I will be kind to me and I will be kind to life too!

Peanut butter, it's what fills the cracks of the heart

Things that make me smile:

Having a bed to call my own in a house of my own, the space to share my thoughts and feelings and not be criticized, a text message out of the blue from someone that I would never expect, hearing someone snoring in the middle of the night, receiving a valentine from someone that I though forgot about me, seeing a news story that brings me to tears of joy, a vodka and soda with a splash of tonic and extra lime, a freshly made bed, cherry pie, being awakened every morning by the warm breath of my boys, the feel of a brand new pair of jeans, my awesome friends, God, someone who remembers that I don't like mushrooms, the Internet, the option of going into work late, a good blog post, an apology, Thursday night television, the first lick of a tootsie pop, finding love letters from my ex's, Ryan Reynolds, cars with airbags that work, a warm shower on a cold morning, community, Chris Cornell in concert, the first beautiful day of Spring, the first beautiful day of Fall, when my ex tells me that my butt looks good in my jeans, sledding in the winter with my kids, dinner with my girlfriends, a good movie, a Sunday with no plans, getting my child support check, beautiful scarves, motorcycle boots, coming home to a clean house, hearing my kids teachers talk about how awesome my kids are, watching my kids play sports, a new car, Popsicles, live music, hearing my kids giggle, freshly cut grass, a new camera, happy accidents, swinging high on a swing set, thunderstorms, a hammock on a beautiful day, when my friends laugh at my jokes, New Years Eve countdown, waking up early in the morning and realizing you can lay in bed for a little while longer, falling asleep next to somebody, being barefoot in green grass, artwork created by my kids, bonfires on a cool night, a healthy home cooked meal, sudden inspiration to write something, people watching, driving with the sunroof open and the air conditioning on, sleeping with the windows open on a cool night, bubble wrap, sleeping under the stars, reading my friends blogs...and on and on and on...

Life is good!

Last week can suck it, just like the Easter bunny

Wow! Can I just say that last week was a doozey! Not only was it the first week of two of the busiest weeks of the year for me at work, but last week was also a huge reminder of how precious life really is.

Tuesday was the day of all days. I was going to a meeting before work and totaled my car in an automobile accident that was 100% my fault. I was not only thankful that I was the only one of the three people involved that came out with any injuries, a broken toe and a couple of bruised ribs, but I was even more thankful that the woman I hit didn’t have any of her four children in the car. As I was resting on Tuesday afternoon all I could think about was how precious life is. But my car accident wasn’t the only thing that made me think about the value of life. I had also been thinking a lot about my friend Julie who died in a car accident one year ago to the day of my accident.

Julie was an amazing woman! She was married to Jeff, who was my ex-husbands room mate in college. Julie was one of those women who didn’t have to try very hard to make friends. She was cute, bubbly, had strong opinions and was loved by many. People always wanted to be in her presence. In fact, I remember the first time I met Julie. My ex husband and I were at a party at Jeff and Julie’s house right before they got engaged. I remember her coming over to me and immediately making me feel very welcome. She went out of her way all night long to make me feel like one of the group. I can’t tell you how much I loved her for this. I am an extrovert but some of the time I feel like people just aren’t interested in what I have to say, but I NEVER felt this way about Julie.

She was an amazing wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend. She adored her family and loved life more than anyone I had ever known. Unfortunately, when my ex and I got divorced, he got Jeff and Julie…you know how that goes. But with that said, they were the type of people that would give me the shirt off their backs all these years later.

Thinking about Julie this week has definitely made me think a little bit more about my life and the choices I have made in my past. Thinking about Julie makes me want to hug my kids one more time before I leave in the mornings. Thinking about Julie makes me appreciate the beautiful life I have. But most importantly, thinking about Julie makes me look back at the friendships and love that I have in my life. Even though Julie and I weren’t close toward the end of her life, I still think about her everyday and the influences she had on me and my life…and that, my friends, is prescious!

Julie Trusty-Nawrot 1965-2008

It's not about being fair, it's about being awesome

It’s meme time! Yeah, meme time! My friend sent me this the other day and I thought it was kind of cute so I decided to share my ABC’s of me with you…because you know me…whenever I am feeling overwhelmed and cant seem to get a good blog post written I know I can always count on a good meme to brighten my spirits.

A Attached or Single? Single, but only because Ryan Reynolds is already taken

B Best Friend? I think a girl needs more than one best friend. I’m lucky to have two. The funny thing is, my two best friends have never met. Karen has been my best friend since 4th grade…almost 30 years. And Sheila is my best “single” friend. I met her a month or two after my ex-husband walked out on me. I would not have survived my divorce without her.

C Cake or Pie? Pie…hands down! There is nothing better than a warm piece of cherry pie.

D Day of the week? Definitely Saturday! It’s the only day of the week that I get to focus all of my attention and time on my kids.

E Essential Item? Garnier’s Sleek and Shine for my hair. It leaves my hair so soft and smelling good. I know that’s a weird essential but I gotsta have soft hair! That’s just the kind of girl I am.

F Favorite Color? Black- this shouldn’t surprise anyone! My friend recently told me that black was not a color…well my friend…if black isn’t a color then how are you reading the words on this page? Kind of makes you want to go hmmm, doesn’t it?

G Gummy Bears or Worms? Definitely bears! Does it make me sick if I say I like to bite the heads off of the bears and maybe even pretend that each one is an ex?

H Hometown? I was born in Appleton, Wisconsin but moved to Indianapolis when I was 2 years old…so I definitely consider myself a Hoosier at heart! GO COLTS!

I Indulgence? Gossip magazines! I buy 3 or 4 every single week. I can’t help it even though they all say the exact same thing. I mean, really…why do I care if Justin and Jessica are breaking up or if Brand and Angelia are having another baby? Gossip magazines are like train wrecks to me…I can’t not read them!

J January or July? Definitely July. I would much rather be hot than cold.

K Kids? (2) awesome boys, 8 and 6. On another note, I always get asked if I want more kids…”sure, but it’s not a deal breaker” is usually my response. Here’s how I break it down…if I met a wonderful man who wanted a child I would absolutely have another one as long as my age wasn’t a factor. However, if I met someone that didn’t want anymore kids, then I am good with that as well because I am completely, 100% head over heels in love with and fulfilled by my two boys.

L Life isn’t complete without? Passionate kisses.

M Marriage Date? Hmmm….I’m a little confused…is this question asking me what the date of my marriage was to my ex husband, my future marriage date, or the person I would bring to a friends wedding? I have no idea what it’s asking, but I guess it doesn’t really matter because I am not answering this stupid question.!

N Number of brothers and sisters? (2) brothers, one twin and one that is older. I adore both of them and they are very supportive of me at all times.

O Oranges or Apples? In theory you can’t compare the two, right? But if I had to pick…oranges

P Phobias? All of the basics, snakes, spiders, little creatures, etc. but my two biggest “fears” are growing old alone and dying without my kids really knowing who I am and what I am all about.

Q Quotes? “Dance as though no one is watching you, love as though you have never been hurt, sing as though no one can hear you, and live as though heaven is on earth.” –Souza

R Reasons to Smile? Hamilton and Gibson…that’s all I need!

S Season of Choice? I can’t just pick one…so I will pick two, Fall and Spring

T Teacher, favorite one growing up? Mr. Little, 4th grade, but only because he was my first crush…and oh, I recently saw a picture of a field trip that my class went on that year, I think it was the pumpkin patch…and yes I was wearing red heels…crazy what a fourth grader will do for her first crush.

U Unknown Fact About Me? Now come on people, if I shared it, it wouldn’t be unknown…nice try though!

V Vegetable? Asparagus, I just wish it didn’t make my pee smell so bad.

W Worst Habit? Writing the way my brain thinks instead of the way I was taught.

X X-Ray or Ultrasound? Definitely ultrasound…after all, who would rather see pictures of broken bones over beautiful babies?

Y Your Favorite Hollywood Star? Ryan Reynolds, of course…he is so beautiful that he makes me want to lick the screen when he is on.

Z Zodiac sign? Pisces- I don’t believe in signs, so I know nothing about what this means…therefore, I have no more information.

If “ifs” and “buts” were candy canes and nuts then every day would be Christmas Day

You know what I hate? I hate it when people contradict themselves. It drives me absolutely batty! But do you know what I hate even more than people who contradict themselves? I hate it even more when I contradict myself…and I do it all of the time! I mean it’s crazy how much I do it. I have somehow become a constant contradiction of myself.

Here are just a few examples of what I mean…

I love to compliment people, but struggle to accept compliments that people give me.

I love the feel of being close to someone I love, but I hate to spoon.

Winter is my least favorite time of the year, but I absolutely love wearing hats, scarves, and my cool motorcycle boots.

I could eat raw carrots and celery all day long, but I hate to eat them cooked.

I love the idea of buying a dog for my kids, but hate the idea of taking care of the dog.

Alcohol does not sit well with my stomach, but I absolutely refuse to give up drinking adult beverages.

I love taking care of other people, but I struggle when it comes time for people to take care of me.

I think it”s important to stand up for yourself and ask for what you want, however, most days I can’t seem to do this for myself.

I love reading but can’t seem to finish a book.

I love tootsie pops, but I am not a huge fan of sweets.

I love the way I feel after a good workout but hate working out.

I hate it when people break up and stay friends, but I fight everyday to be better friends with my ex-husband.

I hate changing the sheets on my bed, but love nothing more that slipping into a freshly made bed.

I love to hear my kids scream and giggle with joy, yet I hate taking them to the one place that evokes that reaction in them…the park.

I want nothing more than to be married to someone who loves me for me, but I hate, and I mean HATE, the process of dating!

You Rock, and I don’t mean R.O.C.K…I mean R.A.W.K

News Flash: The cougar is out and the puma is in! This, my friends, sucks for me because a puma is a woman in her late 20’s early 30’s who is looking for a younger guy. Apparently, the appeal is that she has the experience of a cougar, but is still within the age range of the men she is in to. Unfortunately for me
…and these lovely ladies from Saturday Night Live, we are washed up, old and have no business dating cougar cubs. Yep, this means pedi eggs, bump its, fake nails, and push up bras are no longer doing it for us. Hell, we may as well pack it up, put on our bath robes and hit the hay early on Saturday nights.

Now, you may be asking yourself, why is Julie bringing this subject up now? Well…I bring it up because I was reminded of my first cougar cub experience this weekend as I was cleaning out my car and came across a CD that said cougar cub had made for me.

My cougar cub, or Rock Star, as I’ll call him, is HOT! Tall and built with a rock hard body. He has hair to die for and his arms are FABULOUS! They were definitely the first thing I noticed about him when we reconnected. You see, I have known Rock Star for years…and for years I mean, since he was in junior high and I was about twenty. He is actually the son of a good friend of my ex-husbands. I hadn’t seen Rock Star since his High School graduation and never though about him again…until this time last year.

It was a rare girls night out with my married girlfriends. We were at a local bar listening to 80’s rock (my favorite genre, by the way) and hanging out with some cute guys when I felt a pair of eyes on me. When I turned around…there stood Rock Star staring at me. He quickly turned away when he saw that I was looking at him. He was standing there with a tall beautiful blonde girl who I was totally oblivious to all night. Rock Star and I kept playing the game of “look away” when any kind of eye contact was made between the two of us. Eventually I got up enough nerve, or liquid courage as I like to call it, to walk over and say Hi. Can I just say that I was totally taken aback by how much he had changed since his scrawny junior high days…He was all man! And his voice was so deep. We had a brief conversation, of which I remember nothing because I was so mesmerized by his hotness. When I returned to my group of friends I was suddenly wishing I was ten years younger. I sat down at the table, my girlfriends giggled like little school girls and before I knew it Rock Star was headed out the door and out of my life for another 20 years.

But low and behold, before I left the bar that night my blackberry beeped with a message from Rock Star from Facebook. He had been gone only about an hour and he was already stalking me on the internet…I was stoked! We exchanged emails for the next week or so. In one of the emails Rock Star admitted to me that he looked forward to my messages…I just have two words for you…EGO BOOST! During the course of our email exchanges Rock Star made the comment that he would be spending Thanksgiving by himself. And I hated that idea! So I did what any single, available cougar would do, I invited him over to spend Thanksgiving with my family fully expecting him to come up with a lame excuse as to why he wouldn’t be joining me. But much to my surprise, he accepted my offer immediately!

When he showed up at my Aunt’s house I was so excited…like a kid on Christmas morning. He was BEAUTIFUL! He loved my family and my family loved him. In fact, I think my 90 year old grandma called him a “nice boy”. I thought that was funny. After dinner he didn’t want the day to end so we decided to go someplace for a cocktail. I don’t know what we were thinking…it was Thanksgiving Day…nothing was open. We were desperate to find someplace to hang out. The problem: I knew if we had gone back to my place, I would have never been able to control myself. So we ended up sitting in my car in the parking lot of a restaurant for a couple more hours. We listened to a CD he had made for me and made out like high school kids on prom night. Ahhhhhh….the memories! When we finally pulled ourselves away from each other he kept telling me over and over again that this was the best Thanksgiving ever for him. I was loving it. Did I tell you that he was HOT?

Anyway, we ended up going out a few more times (I will not share any of those details…) until I found out, via Facebook, that he was engaged. I knew it was too good to be true! We tried to continue a “friendship” but it was always more like him sneaking around to hang out with me and I didn’t like that. So we eventually grew out of our friendship too.

We see each other every once in a while when we are out. In fact, I saw him a few weeks ago as I was leaving a club and hew was coming in. I knew that night, when he told me his fiancé wasn’t with him and asked me to stay, that he would never be the kind of person I could ever spend my life with.

I know this situation turned out for the best and it took me a little while to come to grips with the fact that I deserve better than him. And for what it is worth…I know my first cougar experience has made me a better person. It’s a reminder that I am a single mom…I don’t date…I’ve been to the circus…I’ve seen the show… I need more! I deserve more! But most importantly, it has taught me to stop dwelling on what I think I am missing out on and to start focusing on what I have that others are missing out on.