I need uglier friends

When I was a little girl I used to have to go to my friend Karen’s house to play Barbies. My parents were adamant about not allowing me to have barbies in our house. As a little girl, I never understood it, but as an adult, their reasoning behind this has become very clear to me. My parents never wanted me to have a distorted image of women, based on this character, Barbie. They didn’t want me growing up thinking that the 5 foot 9 inch blond bombshell, with the measurements of 36-18-33, were the same measurements of an average woman. I see their point, I really do… but the reality of it is that if I didn’t learn and adjust my thoughts about women as a kid, I would have to do it as an adult. In other words, sooner or later I would have to come to grips with reality.

My childhood was the best childhood ever! I never really knew about rejection and I never really felt like I didn’t measure up. I knew I was smart, funny and loved by lots of people. And to me…as a nine year old…that was all I needed. But one day, I clearly remember getting on a jam packed school bus and there being only a couple of spots still available to sit. I scanned my opportunities and finally decided that the cute nine year old boy with his missing front teeth would be the best option for me to sit next to. Boy was I wrong! As I went to sit next to him, he set his lunch box on the empty space beside him and clearly said “no ugly girls allowed”. It was the first time in my life that I can actually remember feeling ugly, bad, wrong or unacceptable. I didn’t know this boy. In fact, I had never seen him before, but it didn’t make the hurtful words any easier to hear. I remember crying all night to my mom about this boys comments- she, however, couldn’t understand why I was so upset. He was just some silly, insecure boy who made a silly comment. But it didn’t matter to me…it still hurt.

From that moment on, rejection seemed to become a constant in my life. If I liked a boy, he liked a prettier girl, usually one of my friends. If I wanted to ask a cute boy to the dance, he would ask a cuter girl, usually one of my friends. Let’s face it, the prettier the girl, the more invitations and boyfriends she would get and the better her status amongst our peers would be. I remember always looking in the mirror wondering when it would be my turn to be the pretty girl.

With that said, it wasn’t until after my divorce that I really felt the pressure of being measured against the pretty people. I t wasn’t until this time in my life that I really noticed that my friends were prettier, skinnier and perkier. Sometimes I even feel like the “goon” when we are out. You know, the bigger girl that is casting the shadow over her more beautiful friends. I don’t know if it has always been this way and I was just oblivious to it, but one thing is for sure, that is how it is now! Women are judged first on their exterior looks! It is not until I can catch someone’s eye, with my outward appearance, that I even have the opportunity of showing them the best part of me…my inner beauty. It just seems like those who have the outward beauty, that matches up with that of society, are the only ones who even have a chance to catch the eye of someone special. If you are thin, tall, have great hair, and your eyes aren’t to close together then you have it made, but if you are just average, like me, it is extremely difficult to catch the eye of the opposite sex, especially when I am in the presence of my other single girlfriends. It just seems to me that for a relationship to even have the chance to take off, the guy has to think that the girl is really pretty on the outside right away…and that just plain SUCKS!

Think about it…if you ask most women what originally attracted them to their boyfriend or husband they will probably say something like his personality or his quick wit. But, if you ask a man that same question, more than likely, you will get a superficial answer like, her hair or her eyes, or her….ahem…(insert name of unmentionable body part here).

So…I think I need to get uglier friends. Or, I know…how about this…I could just go against society and stop trying to take care of myself. I could eat horribly and gain some weight. I could stop washing my hair. Maybe I will even go as far as to wear my clothes over and over again without washing them until they get that great permanent dirty scent. This, my friends, would definitely keep boys and relationships at bay. At least this way I wouldn’t have to deal with anymore broken hearts because boys would definitely have an excuse to not be attracted to me. My friends would still love me..they may not want to be around my greasy assed hair and stinky clothes, but they would still love me, right?