Finding a good man is like trying to nail Jello to a tree

So I have been struggling with what to write today. I’m not really in a funny mood, or a creative mood, or even a writing mood, but I know if I don’t write something I will lay awake tonight feeling guilty that I let all my readers down. I know, it’s crazy, but that’s just me…I’m a people pleaser! And there are over two hundred of you that subscribe to my blogs…and that’s a lot of people that rely on me and my crazy dating life to make theirs look better. With that said, I can’t make any promises that you will laugh at this post, but I hope you do.

So here is a compilation of a few dates gone bad in the past four years…these are just short snippets that I didn’t think needed a full post, but were worth sharing. As I look back on these uneventful events the only thought that really comes out of my brain is WTF?

Mr. Was better when he didn’t talk I met Mr. Was better when he didn’t talk at a bar. I was out at a bachelorette party with some girlfriends. He intrigued me. He was sitting at the corner of the bar where I would go every time I ordered a drink. He was cute and seemed to like flirting with me. Actually, I don’t know if he was flirting with me, or if my cocktail laden brain thought he was flirting with me…either way, there was something mysterious that attracted me to him. When I wasn’t getting a drink I would catch him randomly watching me with my girlfriends, smiling at me in a flirtatious way…I would get chills. Did I mention that the bar was loud? Did I mention that the bar was packed? Mr. Was better when he didn’t talk eventually came over and started dancing with me…we chatted a little, or come to find out, I chatted…it was so loud I had to read his lips…he was saying nice things…or so I thought. It was time to leave and he wanted to walk me out to my car…We made out like high school kids…no talking…no conversation…just good old fashioned making out! Then came the moment…he asked me for my number so he could text me…why would he want to text me? He was deaf! Come to find out he loved going to bars that were loud because he could pretend like he was carrying on conversations with women (because we all know that most conversations in loud bars are based on reading lips) and they wouldn’t know he was deaf. He was nice…he was cute…but as you can imagine, communication was tough. I never saw Mr. Was better when he didn’t talk again.

Mr. What is wrong with your… Mr. what is wrong with your…was a really nice guy. I actually met him at a local wine bar. I was at the wine bar to meet a blind date who never showed…I know, story of my life! Mr. What is wrong with your…was there with some work colleagues. I could feel him staring at me with the “oh, that poor girl just got stood up look” for the hour that I waited for my blind date. He was very attractive. The best part about him was his full thick luscious head of brown curly hair…yummy! I love guys with thick curly hair. I would assume this is because I was married to a bald man for so many years and didn’t realize how much I liked running my fingers through a guys hair until I started dating again. Anyway…once Mr. What is wrong with your…left his colleagues he came and sat down by me and we polished off a few glasses of red. We had great conversation, good laughs and a few sweet romantic gestures between the two of us. At the end of the evening Mr. What is wrong with your…was very polite. He asked me for my number, gave me a peck on the cheek, opened my car door and I was on my way. We talked a few times during the next week and made plans to go out to dinner. I was pumped for this date! Mr. What is wrong with your…was waiting for me at the restaurant when I arrived. There were only three people at the bar, a woman smoking like a chimney, an older man with a purse and woman’s coat, obviously either waiting for his wife or living out his secret fetish of dressing like a woman, and a man that kind of looked like Mr. What is wrong with your…, but it couldn’t be him because he had, yes….wait for it…a chunk of ear missing from his right ear. I don’t mean a little piece like Mike Tyson bit it off in the parking lot…I mean like half of his ear was missing. My stomach sank…I secretly prayed this wasn’t Mr. What is wrong with your…Unfortunately it was. He turned around with a huge smile on his face, came over and gave me a hug. I kind of hugged him like he was my 100 year old aunt who had warts on her face and smelled like moth balls. I tried to make the best of the evening, but I couldn’t get over the ear thing. How could I not notice this at the wine bar? I like to think I am a better person than this…but I just couldn’t take my eyes off of his ear. I’m such a bitch! Mr. What is wrong with your…called me the next day to say he didn’t think we were a good match. I think he had issues with me staring at his ear all night with a look on my face like I was going to throw up…But I feel better knowing that we “ weren’t a good match” was the reason for him not wanting to see me anymore. To this day, I still feel bad for my lack of grace in this area.

Mr. Put that thing away is another priceless story. We met at a work function. He was in town on business and my boss was hosting some clients in a suite for the basketball game. Mr. Put that thing away came with a friend of his who was a client of my boss’. Anyway, we hit it off…he was really cute, seemed very laid back and was the life of the party. Not “the life of the party” in an obnoxious way, but in a way that people wanted to be around him. The best part is that he seemed to just want to be around me. I was flattered. We had great conversation and couldn’t seem to pull ourselves away from each other…and not in a physical way people…get your minds out of the gutter! At the end of the game, we didn’t want the night to end so we headed to St’ Elmo’s for shrimp cocktail and some wine with a few other people. This night was by far one of the most fun nights I had had in a long time. The six of us were like old friends even though we had all just met. The evening came to an end and Mr. Put that thing away was heading back home in the morning. It was a bitter sweet ending to a really fun night…or so I thought it was the end. Mr. Put that thing away walked me to my car. He was very polite. He asked me for a kiss. SIDE NOTE: guys, girls like it when you ask them for a kiss! Don’t just assume you can have one, use your manners and ask…99% of the time you will NOT be turned down! Anyway, he was a great kisser! We decided to just be in touch with each other when he came back into town…this was best, for me anyway…I didn’t need any kind of long distance thing at that time in my life. As I was driving home I got a really sweet text message from Mr. Put that thing away. It said something along the lines of him having a great time and he couldn’t wait to come back into town. When I got the message a big sigh of relief came over me along with a huge smile. I didn’t reply…I wanted to bask in the moment. Then my phone beeps again…this time a picture message with a note, “a little something to remember me by”. My first thought was “oh how cute, he is texting me a picture of him to remember him by.” Oh it was a picture of him all right…it was a picture of his rock hard…ahem….member! I was floored! This was before the time that “sexting” became popular by media standard. I was like a fifth grader on the playground with my girlfriends when I got that message. “Ewwww” was the first thing that came out of my mouth and then I threw the phone on the floor like it had been contaminated! Funny thing…I kept the message for a couple of days because I was afraid to highlight it to delete it for fear that the picture would freeze on my phone!

Now, I could go on and on and on with awesome stories like this, but I don’t want to bore you with them all in one day. Keep reading my blog…trust me…there are many more good ones to come!