Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Yesterday, today and tomorrow

40 years ago…I was sharing a womb with my twin brother. That’s where it all began. We kicked and screamed until we could come up with a plan as to who was gonna arrive first. And like usual, I shed a few tears, gave him the puppy dog eyes and won. I arrived on this earth exactly 7 minutes before he did…SUCKA!

30 years ago…I was 10. I wanted to be a teacher just like my mom was, but then I felt sorry for my dad because I wasn’t choosing his profession. Then I asked my dad what he did and he said he worked for the government. I didn’t know what the government was at the time, but I knew for sure I didn’t really want to know what the government was either. (that thought still rings true today) From there on out I wanted to be a flight attendant. Now, I run a small non-profit. I’ve come a long way!

20 years ago... I was 20. I was in love with The Ex and teetering on the edge of no longer being a teenager and trying to figure out how to behave like an adult. I was hormonal. I wanted my way. I expected to continue being treated like a princess. My parents made me wake up and grow up. It is a lesson I am forever grateful for.

15 years ago… I was 25 and on the verge of being married. I knew from the moment we said our vows that The Ex thought our marriage was a mistake, but I didn’t have the balls to confront him. Look where I am now, wanting to be married again, but smart enough to know that I’m not willing to settle for crumbs. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I deserve.

10 years ago…I was 30 and six weeks in to being a new mom. I was enjoying my new found “occupation”. I loved being a mom, it’s what I was born to do, I just know it. Unbeknownst to me, it was the beginning of the end of my marriage to The EX because I couldn’t figure out how to balance being a wife and a mother at the same time.

5 years ago…I was 35 and divorced with two adorable little boys. I was lonely, afraid, struggling, unhappy, and if I were being honest, picturing all of the possible ways that I could end my unhappiness. Then I found God, the real God, the God of love. I turned over a new leaf, loved life and couldn’t wait to get up each day.

2 years ago, I was 38 and still struggling to get over the Ex. I was looking for someone that could be half the man that I thought he was. I couldn’t find anyone. I was hurt…I was angry.

1 year ago, I was 39 and finally over The Ex, 100%. I made the delicate turn of knowing that even though my heart wanted him back in my life, it could never be, because he is not good for me. I realized that I could never go back to what we were and still be who I am today, a strong, independent woman!

Sunday…I berated myself for allowing Hot Fireman to continue to disappoint me.

Yesterday…I got pissed because Mr. Good on Paper and Good in Person got upset with me because I have had so little time in my schedule these past couple of weeks to go on another date with him. I tried to explain to him that my time lately has been eaten up by my kids who are on Spring Break as well as my dad who will be having surgery later today . Clearly, family comes first in my book, don’t hold that against me.

Today…I woke up and realized that what happened yesterday with Mr. Good on Paper and Good in Person, is exactly what I am upset at Hot Fireman for doing to me. Oh how the tables have turned. I hate having to call myself out on my mistakes.

Tomorrow… who knows, only time will tell.

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