I've got a playdate with destiny

I think I mentioned before that I have been working through a 30 day renewal program. Well, it has officially become a 45 day program, life kind of got in the way. It was a gift I bought myself for my birthday. I hit 40 and BAM…I felt a crisis coming along. I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life and I was scared that I didn’t know how to get where I wanted to go.

I had just broken up with my therapist and quickly felt my world crumbling around me, but I couldn’t go back to him for advice. Oh no, I had to prove to him that I learned a lot over our years together and I could survive life without him.

I didn’t realize how dependent I had become on him and his guidance.

It was kind of scary!

So I took the bull by the horns and started this renewal program. And can I say WOW! It has really opened my eyes up to me. It kind of pisses me off that my years of expensive therapy never brought me to this realization. But it is what it is. Maybe my therapist was telling me this all along and I just didn’t get it.

Don’t judge me, I was never a super smart girl in school. But I sure did have fun!

I hope to write a few posts in the future about the realizations I have come to in this 45 day process. But to put them all in one post would be confusing and quite frankly, downright boring!

So today’s focus is the eye opener I had regarding my personal life.

One of the days throughout this process we had to answer two questions: First, write about a time in your life that made you feel wonderful or joyous, and second, write about a time in your life that made you feel sad, unhappy or frustrated. Both times I wrote about experiences I had with the only two men I have ever been in love with.

Then we had to compare and contrast our answers.

This is where my light bulb moment came into play.

When I was answering the questions I talked about how the Ex made me feel when he asked for a divorce and compared it to my relationship with Mr. Jackhole and how he made me feel throughout. Of course, there were two totally different sets of feelings, sadness and frustration in one, and happiness, and self confidence in the other. However, the end result for both relationships was hurt, sadness and tremendous pain for me.

And there-in lies the light bulb moment.

I believe the reason I cannot find Mr. Right is because I am scared of being hurt by someone again. Therefore, I don't open myself up completely to the person I am spending time with.

I have recently been spending some time with and chatting with the Hot Fireman again. I love our time together even though it is very rare. I love it when he texts me and I know he is thinking about me. I love the way he makes me laugh and feel. I love it when I make him laugh. We just always seem to have fun together. I definitely love spending as much time with him as I can.

But the last time we hung out, he made a comment early on in our time together that I seemed nervous. I wasn’t nervous, persay. I think I was more scared than anything. Scared of what could happen if we continue to chat and spend time together. Scared of what could happen if I let my heart get involved. Scared of what could happen if I let my heart take control of the relationship instead of my head.

You see, I continue to believe that if my head is in control then there will always be a “safe” distance between us. What scares me is that moment that I lose control and let my heart overpowers my head.

The trick has become trying to find an even balance between the focus of my head and the focus of my heart at the same time. You know, kind of like when you were a kid and you tried to pat your head and rub your belly at the same time. (ok…stop for a moment and try it…go ahead…you know you want to)

Great, now that you got that out of your system, let’s try to focus again.

I’m almost done.

The trick to patting your head and rubbing your belly at the same time is to keep moving your attention, rapidly, from one hand to the other and back again. If you don’t you wind up either rubbing or patting both your head and your belly. In other words, sacrificing one for the sake of the other.

Just like that silly little game, I realized that in order to not focus on the potential of a hurtful outcome with the Hot Fireman, I need to readjust my thinking and rapidly move my focus from my heart to my head and back again at all times when it comes to our relationship. Otherwise, I will end up sabotaging what could possibly be a great thing in my life.

Make sense?

I LOVE LIGHT BULB MOMENTS!

Just another day

I have just one thing to say about the upcoming nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton...



That's it...that's my two cents!

When temptation goes to war with common sense

So I got another email from Mr. Cologne.

I’m not going to go out with him again no matter how hard he tries, but I have to be honest and tell you that his emails totally crack me up.

Here is the one I got today:

Hey He Who Laughs Last,

Now that spring weather is right around the corner please join me for sushi and rollerblading. What? Don’t laugh, you know it just makes sense.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Mr. Cologne


Seriously? Doesn’t that make you laugh?

You know what makes me laugh even more?

I just can’t stop picturing him showing up to go rollerblading with knee pads, elbow pads, and a helmet all while wearing spandex biking shorts and a wife beater.

Yeah…that’s how “not my type” he was.

It's sad when

It’s sad when good things come to an end.

It’s sad when people feel the need to be disrespectful.

It’s sad when people you know act like they don’t know you.

It’s sad when you don’t take advantage of the positive things in your life.

It’s sad when you want someone and they don’t want you back.

It’s sad when you lose friends you never thought you would lose.

It’s sad when adults can’t act like adults.

It’s sad when you don’t have the courage to say what you want to say.

It’s sad when someone you know suddenly becomes someone you don’t know.

It’s sad when people don’t have the guts to go after what they want. Sometimes I wish I had the guts.

It’s sad when people can’t think of anyone else but themselves.

It’s sad when a good season is over.

It’s sad when Charlie Sheen’s One Man Tour continues to sell out.

It’s sad when someone messes with your heart and doesn’t even care.

It’s sad when our President makes $400,00 a year and a solder, fighting for our freedom, barely makes enough to get by.

It’s sad when people are judgmental and intolerant.

It’s sad when I think about how quick my kids have grown up.

It’s sad when love isn’t enough.

It’s sad when people take advantage.

It’s sad when people like Rob Bell mislead people.

It’s sad when summer ends.

When I finished this list I didn’t think it was enough so I asked Gibson, my son to help. Here is how our conversation went.

Me: Hey Gibby, do you want to help me write an article for my blog?

Gibson: Sure mom, what is it about?

Me: It’s about things that make you sad.

Gibson: Oh that’s easy, I get sad when you get dumped.

And there you have it people…out of the mouths of babes!

God love him!

Lessons learned last week

Just because you drink 48 oz of water in 30 minutes, it doesn’t mean you will be able to pee in a cup on command.

I just may have to build my family an ark if Mother Nature continues to be on PMS.

I may need to start selling myself on the street corner in order to pay for all of the things my kids think we need to have.

Adults don’t always act like adults under high stress situations.

I miss the Jersey Shore. This statement does not make me proud.

Watching my son play basketball is highly stressful, and he is only in the 4th grade.

Good things come to those who wait.

Just because you pay a lawn service to take care of your yard, it doesn’t mean they know what they are doing. Sorry neighbors, my yard is going to be the white trash yard of the neighborhood until next year.

Always be good to your friends, you never know when you might have a princess in the group.

I’ve still got it!

Lions and tigers and bears...oh my!

I’m scared of stupid things.

Things like snakes, spiders and men who post shirtless pictures of themselves online. Snakes and spiders I can deal with now, although I wouldn’t want to find them sharing a bed with me or anything drastic like that, but I know they are God’s creatures and I should love them. At least that’s what I tell myself when I see them in places I know they shouldn’t be.

On the other hand, men who post shirtless pictures of themselves online, they have always scared me and to this day still scare the crap out of me. It’s a fear I will never grow out of. And I hope to God I don’t find them sharing a bed with me either.

Now, over the years, as I have become more independent I have realized that there are things in my life that used to scare me but don’t anymore.

Things like…

Dying. I know who I am, I know what I believe and I know where I’m going…enough said!

What people think of me. I don’t care anymore. I am who I am. I know what I want. I know what I deserve.

Being alone. It is so much better being alone than it is to be alone in a relationship.

My future. For the first time in a long time, I’m excited to see how the next 40 years of my life play out.

Getting old. As long as I do it gracefully, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. It is what it is. I can’t control it. And I refuse to take any drastic measures that could have me looking like either of these women from the Real Housewives of Miami.




Being a strong independent woman. I have been told by men in my recent past that me being a strong independent woman is sometimes intimidating. But I don’t care anymore, I’m not going to conform. I like who I am. I’m not a wet noodle and I’m not looking for a wet noodle.

Being single. It’s ok. I don’t have to answer to anyone, well except my kids, but those are usually answers that I can handle.

Shopping for a bathing suit. Again, I don’t care anymore what people think of me anymore or how I look. No BODY is perfect and I am learning to love me and mine.

4th grade advanced math homework. It doesn’t scare me now that I have come to terms with the fact that I don’t have all of the answers and it is ok to look for instructions on the world wide web.

A 7 year old with a shitload of confidence. Confidence is good…no matter what age, right?

Now that I have listed the things that I am no longer afraid of, let me reassure you that I will forever have a fear of public speaking, clowns, and public restrooms.

There is no amount of therapy that will ever suck any of those fears out of me.

They like me...they really like me

I know you all have been dying to know what has been going on in my life. And I have been dying to share with you what has been going on in my life, but the timing just hasn’t been right.

Until now…

I can finally share with you my good news…no, no, wait…my GREAT news!

You see, I have been interviewing for my “dream job” for the past couple of weeks and I got a formal offer from this company on Tuesday morning.

I have just one thing to say about this…

WAAAAAAAAAAWHHOOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEEE!

I don’t think I have been this excited about something since the release of Snookie’s new book, A Shore Thing.

You see, I currently love the company I work for. And by “love” I mean, I truly believe in its mission. It’s a small non-profit whose mission was once a true passion of mine, but over the past couple of years, I got burnt out and realized that I just lost the passion for it, and I wasn’t going to get that passion back by continuing to work in the environment I was working in.

And that makes me very sad…

I’ve known for a long time that I needed to make a change, but I never did anything about it. I woke up a few weeks ago and realized if I wanted a change in my life, I would have to be proactive about it.

Let’s face it, wishing for a cute, single, available guy to fall in my lap isn’t going to make it happen…just like wishing for my dream job to fall in my lap isn’t going to make it happen either.

I needed to make the effort!

And that thought scared me…

But I did it!

And it paid off!

Life is finally going my way, and it feels sooooooooo good!

If...

If I were still married, today would have been my 14th wedding anniversary.

This thought makes me sad. Not because I miss my Ex, but because I like the idea of being married.

I like the idea of being a family unit.

I like having someone in my life to share in the ups and downs.

I like knowing that no matter how my day is, I can count on my spouse to give me a hug or a high five.

I like having a cheerleader on my side.

I like having someone to share my funny stories with.

I like the idea of hanging with my best friend every day.

I like the idea of knowing I have someone that would challenge me to be the best me I can be.

I like knowing I have someone to grow old with.

I like knowing that I have someone who will listen to me and reason with me.

I like knowing I have a friend that I don’t have to explain things to…he just gets me.

I like having someone to ride life’s roller coaster with.

I like knowing that we don’t always have to speak to understand each other.

I like having someone to snuggle up to at night and wake up next to in the mornings.

I like the companionship and unwavering support.

I like having someone that makes me feel safe.

I like the feeling of being needed by someone else.

If only...

I hate the waiting game

I will be honest with you...I'm waiting on some potentially life changing news.

I'm not good at waiting!

Quite frankly, I'm either going to have a Titanic "I'm the king of the world" moment, or, I'm going to jump...it's a fine line!

I will keep you posted!

On my soapbox

Not a lot of things bother me. Really, they don’t! I can honestly brush off just about anything and not let it get to me. Sure, I have my moments and my days, but 99% of the time I am smiling and loving life.

But there is the rare occasion that I just can’t pass up the opportunity to complain about something.

And today is the day.

When did it become ok for parents to let their little girls forgo the “little girl” phase in life and jump right into the “early twenty” phase of life?

I was recently reading "The Look" section in my London/UK edition of InStyle and I came across an article about Willow Smith. For those of you that don’t know her, she is the 9 year old daughter of Will and Jada Smith. She apparently now has a rock and roll career. I’m not a fan, but good for her, if it’s her passion, then go for it. Quite frankly, I’m not in agreement that a 9 year old should have a rock and roll career, but whatever…that’s not my soapbox discussion for today.

Today, I want to focus on her look.

Why must she (and her parents) feel the need to be a trend setter and dress her like this? Seriously, who wears this crap?





Or this?





Or even this?



Why do they feel the need to be so fashion forward? mean, if she is really talented she should be able to be successful without the crazy clothes, right? She is 9, for god’s sake! Whatever happened to little 9 year old girls, acting their age, playing with appropriate toys, dressing their age, and just having fun?

Whatever happened to little girls wearing something like this?



Or this?



And how cute is this?



I just don’t get it.

Why? Why? Why must we push our kids to be older than they are?

Just yesterday I had a discussion with my kids about enjoying the life they have right now and to stop wishing to be older or something that they are not.

Suddenly, I’m glad we live in the Midwest and have Midwestern values!

Good emails can go a long way

I know I said that I have pretty much given up on online dating…and I have.

BUT…

I just have to share this email with you that I got from a guy that I went out with a couple of weeks ago. We met for coffee one evening. He was nice, but not my type at all. This was the guy that reeked of my dad’s cologne…yeah him.

He went on vacation with his kids the day after we had coffee. We never exchanged phone numbers and I deleted my online profile, so how he got my email address I may never know. I guess I can chalk it up to good detective work. I kind of like it when guys go out of their way for a girl, usually not in a stalker kind of way, but in more of a “I thought of you when I saw this card so I bought it for you” kind of way.

Anyway, yesterday I was kind of in a funk. In a funk because I was waiting on some potentially great news that could change my life. My stomach was in knots and I was becoming frustrated. So when I got this email, I had to laugh…it kind of made my day.

Here is what it said…

Hey He Who Laughs Last,

I just wanted to drop you a quick email and let you know that I had a great time on our date, unless you didn’t, in that case, I didn’t either.

Looking forward to seeing you again soon.

Sincerely,

Mr. Cologne

Seriously? How cute is that?

Usually the email/text after the first date is kind of awkward, but this one was just perfect. So perfect it kind of makes me want to go out with him again…BUT I WON’T!

If I did, my friend Jackie might just come over and kick my ass…and I am in NO mood for that!

I choose, Part Deux

Girlfriends over boyfriends

Fresh asparagus over corn on the cob

Ryan Reynolds over any other male celebrity

Jersey Shore over Real Housewives of New Jersey (I contemplated this for a long time…but trashtastic won out)

Facebook over Twitter

Modern Family over The Office

Play over work

Charlie Sheen over Gary Busey and Meatloaf combined

Spring over Fall

Summer over Winter

Kisses over hugs

Jeans over skirts

Heels over flats

Tall boys over short boys

Too cold over too hot

Pedicures over manicures

Basketball over football

Writing over reading

Doctor appointments over dentist appointments

Cocktails over beer

Tea over coffee

Faith over religion

Lovers over liars

Mustard over ketchup

Personality over looks

Netflix over Redbox

Loneliness over settling

XBOX over play station

Dogs over cats

Hiking over running

Sleeping over exercise

SUV’s over cars

Brains over beauty

Being 40 over being 20

Ellen over Oprah

Salmon over steak

Salad over dessert

Listening over talking

Extroverts over introverts

Rules, Rules, Rules...

I live in a house with all boys. As a refresher, there is my dad, and my two sons, 10 and 7. And in order for all of us to function and co-exist, we must adhere to certain rules. Therefore, my house has rules. Rules that are expected to be followed by all parties on a daily basis. Most of them are reasonable, some of them are weird, but all of them exist for a reason.

Before I share with you our basic He Who Laughs Last Commandments as we like to refer to them in our house, let me explain. You have to remember again, my house is full of boys. Some of these rules probably aren’t on the lists at most houses, because some of these rules are otherwise referred to as “common sense”, but it’s like I always say, McDonald’s puts “coffee is VERY Hot” on all of their coffee cups because some idiot spilled hot coffee on their crotch one day and decided to sue McDonald’s because they didn’t realize the coffee was going to be hot.

Enough said…

RULE #1:Do not lick anything, and by anything, I mean, windows, doors, floor, stair rails, tv’s, your friends, your cousins, and by all means, PLEASE DO NOT LICK each other.

RULE #2: Do not eat, dog food, fish food, boogers, dirt, soap, candles, pencils, crayons, or glue.

RULE #3: Do not put your toys in the oven, microwave, or working grill.

RULE #4: Do not put marbles, toys or your fingers up your noses or up the noses of friends, relatives and animals that we love.

RULE #5: I don’t care what your dad says, swimming in the pool does NOT constitute as a shower.

RULE #6; Do NOT, let me repeat, DO NOT pee on each other at any time. I don’t care if you are reenacting a Star Wars battle. Darth Vader would not be proud.

RULE #7: Do not put your shoes or underwear on any surface that is used to prepare or eat food.

RULE #8: Do not leave m&m’s, bubble gum, play dough or chap stix in your pockets when you bring down your laundry.

RULE #9: Do not stick your head in the oven, microwave, trashcan or toilet. Don’t ask me why, just don’t do it.

RULE #10: Do not kick anyone of the male species in the “family jewels” unless you want to know how it feels to be kicked there.

RULE #11: Dairy products do not go in the pantry.

RULE #12: Do not eat/drink toothpaste, hairgel or saline solution.

RULE #13: Do not get the newspaper in your birthday suite, at least put on some underwear. And no scratching yourself while at the mailbox either.

RULE #14: And last but not least, it is never appropriate to fart or burp. It doesn’t matter if you are pushing one out on “accident” or doing it with your armpit…those noises are never appropriate.

And that’s it…I don’t think it’s asking to much, do you?

Don't make me go all Tome Cruise/Katie Holmes on your ass

Online dating sucks!

Reason #1 why I’m no longer doing it.

But…that statement alone doesn’t prevent my friends from uttering those scary words every once in a while.

What words, you might ask?

You know the ones…”I have this great guy I want to fix you up with.”

Yeah…those words.

My girlfriend who fixed me up with Mr. Jackhole is dying to fix me up yet again…but I’m not falling for it. Nope, not this time…and do you know why? Well besides the fact that I have sworn of dating anyone new, I’ve decided that I WILL NOT be compromising in any way on my short list of 5 Must haves, no matter how shallow that makes me.

And #1 on that list, is height.

Yep, I refuse to date anyone that is even ¼ of an inch under 6 feet tall again. And like Mr. Jackhole, this new guy is 5’10.

Nope…not gonna do it! Call me shallow, call me a bioootch, call me what you will, but I'm not gonna do it.

You see, I’m 5’7. That’s not super tall, but it’s kind of tall. I like to wear high heels. I’m not superficial, but when it comes to dating short men…then I have a problem.

I have no interest in looking like this on a date…



I have no interest in being the “big girl” in the relationship. And let’s face it, tall girls that date short men are the “big girls” in the relationship.

You see, I like to wear shoes like this…



…because they make me feel sexy.

I absolutely dread wearing shoes like this…



…because they make me feel frumpy.

So when I say I want to date someone who is over six feet, it usually means someone who is 6’2 or 6’3 because like women, men too lie on their online dating profiles.

This way when I guy tells me he is 6’2, I’m pretty much guaranteed to get someone who is at least 6 feet tall.

And from here on out, I will go by this rule of thumb, when picking and choosing between men to date: I will subtract 2 inches from their height, add 20lbs to their weight and deduct $50,000 from their income and that’s pretty much the reality that will show up at my front door.

Ahhhhh…such is life!

Moi

One of the things I don’t think I do enough of on this blog is write about me (read with sarcasm).

Kidding of course, that’s all I do, right?

According to all of the cool bloggers in the bloggersphere, there is currently a craze about posting random facts about oneself on Twitter in 140 words or less. And since I’m not on Twitter, this is the only outlet I can use to partake in this cool craze.

And I know you are all dying to know more about me. Who am I to keep you from your wants and needs, right?

ENJOY!

1. I don’t like liver.

2. The only bone that I have ever broken is my pinky finger on my right hand.

3. I love the smell of fresh cut grass.

4. Some days I still wish I could have another child.

5. I recently broke up with my therapist. Don’t worry, we left on good terms.

6. I’m a people person and working in an office by myself on a daily basis depresses me.

7. I love my friends dearly, but most days I don’t feel like a good friend in return.

8. I have a twin brother.

9. I am horrible about asking for help.

10. I hate cats and it is a definite deal breaker in a relationship.

11. I’m not a big dessert person, but I could be addicted to carrot cake if I had no impulse control.

12. I hate being alone, but it’s a reality I think I will have to come to terms with.

13. No matter what I do in life, I always hold on to the one thought that I know will get me through, and that is “I’m going to be alright.”

14. I enjoy a good steak even though I could go without meat for the rest of my life.

15. I believe in old fashioned romance, no matter the time or place, I still believe a man should always pursue a woman and not visa versa.

16. I hate the word pleather.

17. I need a good 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night in order to function properly.

18. I constantly worry about my future.

19. I weighed 4 lbs. 11 oz. when I was born, that is the only accurate weight of myself that I will ever share publicly.

20. I cry easily.

21. I read InStyle Magazine…every page…every word…every month. I love it! It’s my bible.

22. I want to take golf lessons…but I need new clubs first.

23. I hate talking on the phone.

24. I could buy jeans every day.

25. I have no tolerance for lying.

26. I love getting flowers “just because”.

27. I went on a date last week with a guy who kept calling me Julia…I never corrected him.

28. I cannot whistle.

29. I’m afraid of waking up one day and not having any memories of my mom.

30. My favorite writer is Malcolm Gladwell…he’s the only reason I subscribe to the New Yorker.

31. I don’t hold grudges.

32. I took 4 years of German in high school. I don’t remember anything. I want to take German again.

33. I can carry on a conversation with anyone.

34. My toilet paper rolls off the top.

35. When I’m wrong, I admit I’m wrong.

36. Clowns scare the crap out of me.

37. I cannot throw a Frisbee.

38. My first concert as a kid was Hall & Oats…yeah, I’m not proud!

39. My dad took me and my brothers to see the movie Porky’s…we were in elementary school.

40. I think I have adult onset ADHD when it comes to relationships…I’m currently working on that.

41. I wish I had more money so I could go back to school and get my college degree.

42. I once went to Hawaii with a guy who didn’t like the ocean.

43. I once drove a 4 and 6 year old to Florida by myself. We stopped to pee once in 13 hours.

44. I take random drives every once in a while to help me relax.

45. I’m very protective of my kids.

46. I tend to over think things.

47. I’m a processor.

48. I’m a sucker for boys that I know aren’t good for me.

49. I’m extremely body conscious…in a negative way. I’m working on it.

50. I think it would be awesome if Anthony Hopkins could narrate my life…it might be more exciting.

51. I’ve never read a Harry Potter book. I have never seen the movies either.

52. I wish I had a job in the fashion industry.

53. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor.

54. I like it when people compliment me on what I am wearing.

55. I’m a news junkie

56. For me, waking up in the morning is a process, not an event.

57. I believe in all of the things that people today don’t believe in, you know, like love, God, peace, happiness, and grace.

58. I am VERY stubborn.

59. I wish someone would fight for me for a change.

60. I met my best friend when we were in 4th grade…we are still close.

61. I could live on cheese and crackers every day.

62. I used to love to read, but since the invention of the Internet, a book doesn’t hold my attention anymore.

63. I was born in Appleton, Wisconsin

64. I have run (1) half marathon and swore I would never do it again…so far I have stuck to that promise to myself.

65. It once took my brother and I 20 minutes to catch a mouse in a 5 foot by 5 foot bathroom. He is 6’2 and I am 5’7…it was a tight squeeze. We were sweating our asses off.

66. My son hates gym…he’s 10 and very athletic, but according to his teacher his flexibility needs work. Seriously?

67. I once dated a boy that I babysat. Relax I was 36 at the time and he was 29.

68. I often get compliments on my smile. I don’t like my smile.

69. I have secrets that I’m not sharing here.

70. I love being in love…even though it’s only happened twice in my life.

71. I love celebrity gossip magazines.

72. I can’t stand the fact that someone like Lady Gaga is a role model for our kids

73. I think I might be addicted to Quaker Oatmeal Squares.

74. I love to write.

75. I hate dancing at clubs, but I love to make fun of those that do.

76. When I’m not in a relationship, I miss kissing the most.

77. The first thing I notice in a man is his height…I know this makes me a looser!

78. I hate first dates. I’ve only been on one really good one in my 40 years.

79. My favorite superhero is Green Lantern, but it’s only because Ryan Reynolds is playing him on the big screen.

80. My favorite band is KISS

81. I love taking naps.

82. I love cuddling up on the couch with someone special and watching a movie.

83. I don’t know how to refer to my ex-mother-in-law. I love her dearly and hate putting the “ex” in front of the endearment.

84. My high school graduating class had 872 seniors.

85. My favorite chore is…oh who am I kidding, I hate chores.

86. I love being a mom

87. I’m addicted to Pandora

88. More often than not I make decisions with my heart instead of my head.

89. I want to be in a relationship with someone who takes being in a relationship with me seriously.

90. I am the kind of girl that roles with the punches.

91. My kids think I am awesome.

92. I love to laugh. I must do it every day.

93. Sometimes I think I am too nice to people.

94. I am afraid to fly, but I don’t let that fear keep me from going anywhere.

95. I sometimes talk to myself.

96. I think I am currently experiencing a mid life crisis.

97. I need a vacation.

98. If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be Hawaii.

99. My favorite color is red.

100. I am currently learning to love myself!

Battles

Loving myself, taming my crazy hair, explaining to a 10 and 7 year old why it is more important for mommy to get a tummy tuck before we get a dog, going through Modern Family withdrawls, keeping a positive attitude about my job, figuring out how faith fits into my life, learning to get through each day without uttering the phrase, “I wish…”, being a fun mom vs. being a disciplinarian, figuring out how to get to AZ in July…missing my friend terribly, getting my lazy ass to the gym, this path called life.

Yep, those are my current battles…what are yours?

It's gonna take a miracle

Do you ever have moments in your life when you know you are being given a sign for something, but you aren’t quite sure what it means? I feel like this happens to me more often than not. But most of the time I tend to ignore these signs and try not to read too much into them because I find that those kinds of situations tend to drive me nuts.

If it’s not 100% clear to me I don’t dwell on it or try to figure it out. You see, I’m an instant gratification kind of girl and if it isn’t clear to me I don’t mess with it.

I have recently gotten a sign…a BIG sign…HUGE!

Last night after my workout at the gym I ran into an old girlfriend of mine. We met at church years ago and used to be pretty friendly. Now our schedules seem to get in the way of church and life, so we don’t see each other much. But last night we picked up like we were great friends.

She is a lot like me. She is a hardworking, independent single mom who also struggles with the balance of being a good mom and having a quality relationship. Within 2 minutes of our conversation we start talking about the men (or lack thereof) in our lives.

We can’t help it…it’s what women do.

She, like me, is frustrated with dating. She, unlike me, made the decision about 6 months ago to not date, focus on herself and her happiness. I like who she has become! Don’t get me wrong, she has always been a great girl, but the confidence she has in herself and who she is, was FANTASTIC!

I was quite envious!

Then, this morning, like most mornings, I logged into FaceBook to be a voyer in the lives of my friends... It’s my coffee, I have to do it in order to function. Anyway, as soon as I logged in, I got an instant message beep from another friend of mine who checks up on me regularly. He is a fabulous photographer and a Godly man who is often very encouraging to me about many things in my life. But mostly about my kids, my writing, and my relationships.

And his suggestion to me this morning, out of all mornings, was to stop getting in the way of myself and start focusing on learning to love what makes me, well…me. He suggested that I date…wait for it…that I date myself, and learn to love me first.
He thinks my missing link is that I’m not loving me and expecting to get that love from someone else.

It was then clear to me.

That’s the “thing” that I saw in my girlfriend last night. She had clearly learned how to love herself first and that love is the love that made her life tick. I suddenly realized that no one is going to be good enough for me until I’m good enough for me.

It became all too clear in a chance meeting with an old friend and an IM chat with a Godly man.

So here’s my plan…

I’m deleting my Match.com profile immediately, canceling my two dates this week, and putting the focus back on me. I have so little time to myself and the thought of spending one more minute with a random guy trying to see if there is a connection between the two of us makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of primping, plucking, ironing, and shaving for one more first date makes me want to pull my eyeballs out.

I’m not shutting myself off to dating persay, but I am shutting myself off from looking for Mr. Right. If he is already in my life, then he is going to have to step up to the plate and reveal himself to me. If I he isn’t already a part of my life, well, it’s going to take a miracle to find me.

And I’m ok with that.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow

40 years ago…I was sharing a womb with my twin brother. That’s where it all began. We kicked and screamed until we could come up with a plan as to who was gonna arrive first. And like usual, I shed a few tears, gave him the puppy dog eyes and won. I arrived on this earth exactly 7 minutes before he did…SUCKA!

30 years ago…I was 10. I wanted to be a teacher just like my mom was, but then I felt sorry for my dad because I wasn’t choosing his profession. Then I asked my dad what he did and he said he worked for the government. I didn’t know what the government was at the time, but I knew for sure I didn’t really want to know what the government was either. (that thought still rings true today) From there on out I wanted to be a flight attendant. Now, I run a small non-profit. I’ve come a long way!

20 years ago... I was 20. I was in love with The Ex and teetering on the edge of no longer being a teenager and trying to figure out how to behave like an adult. I was hormonal. I wanted my way. I expected to continue being treated like a princess. My parents made me wake up and grow up. It is a lesson I am forever grateful for.

15 years ago… I was 25 and on the verge of being married. I knew from the moment we said our vows that The Ex thought our marriage was a mistake, but I didn’t have the balls to confront him. Look where I am now, wanting to be married again, but smart enough to know that I’m not willing to settle for crumbs. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I deserve.

10 years ago…I was 30 and six weeks in to being a new mom. I was enjoying my new found “occupation”. I loved being a mom, it’s what I was born to do, I just know it. Unbeknownst to me, it was the beginning of the end of my marriage to The EX because I couldn’t figure out how to balance being a wife and a mother at the same time.

5 years ago…I was 35 and divorced with two adorable little boys. I was lonely, afraid, struggling, unhappy, and if I were being honest, picturing all of the possible ways that I could end my unhappiness. Then I found God, the real God, the God of love. I turned over a new leaf, loved life and couldn’t wait to get up each day.

2 years ago, I was 38 and still struggling to get over the Ex. I was looking for someone that could be half the man that I thought he was. I couldn’t find anyone. I was hurt…I was angry.

1 year ago, I was 39 and finally over The Ex, 100%. I made the delicate turn of knowing that even though my heart wanted him back in my life, it could never be, because he is not good for me. I realized that I could never go back to what we were and still be who I am today, a strong, independent woman!

Sunday…I berated myself for allowing Hot Fireman to continue to disappoint me.

Yesterday…I got pissed because Mr. Good on Paper and Good in Person got upset with me because I have had so little time in my schedule these past couple of weeks to go on another date with him. I tried to explain to him that my time lately has been eaten up by my kids who are on Spring Break as well as my dad who will be having surgery later today . Clearly, family comes first in my book, don’t hold that against me.

Today…I woke up and realized that what happened yesterday with Mr. Good on Paper and Good in Person, is exactly what I am upset at Hot Fireman for doing to me. Oh how the tables have turned. I hate having to call myself out on my mistakes.

Tomorrow… who knows, only time will tell.

GO DAWGS GO!

It doesn't take a genius to see that he's just not that into me

What can I say but, Happy Sunday! I don't ever post on Sunday's but I was up stewing all night last night and therefore, had a brain full of stuff that I needed to get rid of...or vomit onto the pages of this blog...

I know I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I hate the word hate…but sometimes, it’s a necessity and there is absolutely no way around its use.

One of the things I hate most about myself is depending on someone and then being disappointed by that particular person’s behavior. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that people will disappoint us from time to time and I will even disappoint others from time to time too. But when I continue to open my heart and let the same people disappoint me over and over again…yeah, I really hate that about me.

It all started early in the New Year when I was dating Mr. Perfect for Me. (Oh wait, according to my dear friend JO, I need to create a new nickname for Mr. Perfect for Me, because he obviously wasn’t perfect for me…no, in the end he was a complete Jack Hole. So from here on out Mr. Perfect for Me will be referred to as Mr. Jack Hole.) Anyway, I was dating Mr. Jack Hole and suddenly, out of nowhere, Hot Fireman appeared…again, like usual.

You see, he has this pattern.
I like to call this pattern, the “he’s just not that into me pattern.”

We go out on a date, then we don’t see or talk to each other for weeks and then he comes back around and the process starts all over again. Very rarely does he ever follow through with a date. More often than not we make a plan to spend some time together, we spend a few days flirting and then, poof, he cancels on me at the last minute.

And he cancels with excuses that you can’t really be upset about. Because if you get upset about his reasons, it only makes you look like a tool. His three main excuses are, he has to work late, he doesn’t feel well, or he has to take his kids at the last minute. You see…all pretty legit.

But hearing these same excuses over and over and over again, really pisses me off.

And as expected, he did it again last night.

As I said before, he started contacting me again early in the new year and we finally got together for dinner the night before my birthday…two and half months after we first reconnected. I, unfortunately, ended up getting sick that night and had to cut our evening short, only to not hear from him again for almost three weeks.

Suddenly he appeared again earlier this week with the hopes that we could get together in the upcoming week. We made a plan for last night. And like clockwork, he cancelled on me at the last minute.

The thing that frustrates me the most is that before we got together for my birthday, he mentioned that he was taking himself off of the market and he wanted to try to see where things went with me, ...and then I didn’t hear from him again for 3 weeks…3 weeks people.

I have to be honest and tell you that I was excited about the prospect of dating him exclusively.

But his actions don’t speak “I want to pursue you exclusively.”

No no…his actions speak, “I call Julie whenever I think I have some free time, because I know she will be available, and then when something better comes along at the last minute, it’s ok to cancel on her because I know she will be waiting for me the next time I call.”

Yep…that’s what his actions speak to me.

And that reality sucks!

I’m 40…I know better!

He’s just not that into me.

Yeah me!

Boys will be boys and moms have no excuse

I have always said that I was meant to be a mom of boys. I was a teenage girl once and I know for a fact that I CANNOT handle the emotions of that beast.

I’m not overly girly, but I’m not a tomboy either. I like my hair to be nice. I like to dress fashionably. And more often than not, I pop on a pair of high heels instead of flats, but by no means do I sit in front of a mirror for hours to get ready to go on a date. In fact, I pride myself on the fact that I can get ready for a date in less than 45 minutes.

From shower to walking out the door people!

It can be done.

I’m more of a mom that likes to play football in the back yard, or go creek walking instead of playing with dolls and dressing up in Cinderella costumes. I like getting dirty and sweaty playing sports instead of cheering on the sideline with a freshly primped pony tail doused in ribbons. I like to have light sabre battles, and play NBA2K11 on the xbox, with my kids of course. It’s not like I sit around and do this stuff on my own. I would much rather be outside making mud pies instead of inside baking cookies.

You get my drift?

I love being a mom of boys.

On most days.

Lately though around my house, my boys have had a growing fixation with balls. No, not the kind you use to shoot baskets, hit with a baseball bat or kick around on the soccer field.

Oh no, not those kinds of balls.

The kind of balls I’m talking about are the kind that I, as a single woman with horrible luck on the man front, don’t get the opportunity to “play” with very often.
You know, as we like to refer to them in our house, “family jewels”. Or as you may like to refer to them in your house, dingalings, testes, gooseberries, jingle balls, tater tots, dongers, weeble wobbles, whirly gigs, nuggets, baubles, trouser snakes, the Pee Wee Herman, and don’t forget “boy parts” as we refer to them when we must talk about them at places like church and school functions.

Lately in my house, just the mere thought or mention of these balls sends my boys into fits of uncontrollable giggles.

And I can’t help it…when they giggle, so do I.

Does that make me a bad mom?