Tuesday, March 8, 2011

40 may be the new 30 but someone forgot to tell my ass

I used to think the number in my bank account was the only thing going down. That is until I really started thinking about my impending 40th birthday this Saturday. Apparently forty is the new thirty, fifty is the new 40, twenty-one is the new eighteen…whew, I feel my hormones sky rocketing to adolescent levels even as I type.

This new math, created by those Hollywood/celebrity types that can’t come to terms with getting older, doesn’t, however, just stop at age. It is apparent in clothing, size 10 is now the new size eight…shopping, what used to cost $50 is now 50% off of $100. Almost everything that has a numeric value associated with it has gone down over the years, except for, of course, gas prices which have gone up quicker than Pee Wee Herman at a porno flick, and the optimum size of a woman as portrayed on TV, in movies and magazines. Because we all know that size six is the new size twelve, and that makes me feel fat.

So what, you may ask, does that have to do with today’s post? Wwll today’s post is about me coming to terms with turning 40. Like I have said in past posts, I’m ok with it. I’m not where I thought I would be when I turned 40, but I am actively making changes in my life to be there, SOON! I’m not bitching, moaning or complaining about turning 40, in fact, I’m kind of looking forward to it.

I came to terms with my age a long time ago. It’s inevitable, so I might as well age gracefully, right? And in order to age gracefully, I had to come to terms with a few things that I just have to understand are out of my control. Well maybe not totally out of my control, but things, that I have come to realize are going to happen and I just have to stick around and enjoy the ride.

Things like...

I exercise more, eat less, weigh more, and care about it less!

I don’t lean over and pick something up unless it’s really important. I find myself constantly calculating “risk vs. reward”…you know like bending down to pick up a newspaper? Nope, my kids can get it for me. A $20 bill? Yep. My kids are quick, they would pick it up and then run with it. I'm no dummy!

My bills, weight and number of Facebook friends are all higher than they were a few years ago.

My tolerance for teenagers…way lower! Not that I have them, but I work with them everyday.

I now get up at least twice a night to pee. When I hit 30 it was once a night…heck at this rate, I might just be sleeping on the toilet when I hit 60.

My car insurance just tripled, not because I have added a teenager, but because I don’t pay attention when I drive…I can’t help it, my mind wanders.

I don’t want to go to my annual physical anymore, because my doctor warned me that the poking and prodding becomes even more intrusive at 40…and then jokingly he snapped on a pair of rubber gloves. Yeah, not funny!

Whenever I get a new electronic device, ie: cell phone, ipod, xbox, I just give it to my kids to set it up for me… I gave up on that stuff years ago.

I eat cereal all of the time…this may be no big deal, but I don’t eat cereal unless it has the word “fiber” in it.

And last but not least…two words for you…LARGE PRINT!


  1. You don't look a day over 29 you hot mamma!

  2. Oh my hell, this made me laugh out loud!



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