I'll have a Chai Tea Vodka Latte please

My mind is full of crap lately. And if you are anything like me, sometimes it’s difficult to get rid of the crappy thoughts that consume it on a daily basis. So, in an attempt to get rid of these mindless thoughts, I am going to try to say them out loud, ie: write them down here.

First and foremost, this man is H. O. T, hot...



...There, I said it! Sorry Ryan Reynolds…this is not a betrayl of you, it’s just a fact that needed to be stated.

I think they may be serving crack at school these days.

I’m convinced I will forever be known as “mom, the human coatrack.”

Mother nature clearly has some pent up sexual frustrations and she is taking it out on the Midwest, seriously snow on March 30th?

Cleaning my house is a big fat waste of time.

Cheap child labor is one of the benefits of being a parent.

I need to learn Korean so that I can see if the employees at my nail salon are, in fact, making fun of me.

Sleep is really just a luxury in my house anymore.

My laundry pile is kind of like Charlie Sheen, it NEVER goes away. Duh…loosing!

My “to do list” is multiplying quicker than the wives on the TLC show, Sister Wives.

Good things do occasionally happen to good people. I’m currently awaiting that occasion.

Calgon needs to take me away…or a hot fireman will do too.

Justin Beiber needs a new stylist. Anyone who convinces him it is still cool to wear your pants completely off your ass should not be paid good money.

Listening to my 7 year old sing Gun’s and Roses, Welcome to the Jungle, verbatim is both hysterical and disturbing at the same time.

If I don’t get back into a regular workout routine, I may just kill a unicorn.

I’m usually ready to go to bed before my kids are these days. Does that make me a bad mom?

Costco at noon is a great place to take your kids for lunch. What? Don’t judge me, you know you’ve done it before.

I need a maid, a chef, a chauffeur and a sugar daddy.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be a PTA mom or a room mom at my kid’s schools.

Wine has been my wingman as of late. Yeah, that’s not working for me either.

Take time to smell the roses...NOT

Date #1 of the week went down last night.

Date #2 for tonight has already been cancelled.

Mom brain kicked in this morning and I completely forgot my Ex wasn’t going to take the boys tonight like he usually does. And I refuse to get a sitter for my kids to have a first date with a complete stranger.

Anyway, back to last night’s date. This guy was super nice, but again, not my type. I knew even before he spoke his first words that I would probably not be seeing him again.

Do you want to know what my issue was?

First, let me just start out by calling myself a “lame ass”. My issue is not even a real issue. In fact it can be changed with no problem, but it is something that will bug me forever.

Hear me out.

Let’s just say I could smell him walk in before he even came up to introduce himself to me. The amount of cologne he was wearing was atrocious. In fact, my nickname for him from here on out will be Mr. Cologne.

But that’s not the worst of it.

The worst of it is that it is the same cologne that my dad wears. And I know myself, I know that I will think about my dad every time I am around Mr. Cologne…and that’s not good for anyone.

But never fear, the evening was not a total bust.

We were sitting at a local coffee shop and 10 minutes into our conversation I looked out the window and saw a police car pulling into the parking lot. I don’t really think anything of it, at least until the officer gets out of the car.

And let’s just say, it was my lucky day!

The hottest police officer on the face of the earth gets out of the car…and he is a friend of mine…a single friend of mine.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of him as he walked through the parking lot and into the coffee shop. It was like it was in slow motion. He was walking slowly up to the door and I could feel my eyes getting big and the smile on my face had to have been obvious to Mr. Cologne. In fact, I have absolutely no idea what Mr. Cologne was saying at the time because I was so focused on watching Hot Policeman walking through the parking lot.

The memory alone makes my heart flutter.

When Hot Policeman walked into the coffee shop he immediately made eye contact with me and came over to chat. We talked for about 10 minutes before I realized I was on a date with Mr. Cologne. So I introduced them and hoped to God that Hot Policeman didn’t think I was on a date with Mr. Cologne.

But I’m sure he did.

Unfortunately for me, Hot Policeman and I have always been in the friend zone. It will never progress any further than that, and I’m ok with it.

But this I promise you…if he ever comes my way with an interest…he will get his chance.

Most people I know have what I like to refer to as “the list”. You know the list of the top three celebrities that they would take a chance with no matter what their relationship status is. Well, Hot Policeman is and has always been #1 on my list…yes, I know he is not a celebrity, but it’s my list. And yes, he even beats out Ryan Reynolds...he's that hot.

Unfortunately for me my chances with Ryan Reynolds are probably a lot better than they are with Hot Policeman.

But a girl can always dream, right?

A case of the Monday's

I have two boys, 9 and 6. Oh wait, they are 10 and 7, oops…my bad. Dang mom brain. It’s hard to keep it straight on a daily basis. You laugh, but sometimes I have to ask my 10 year old when his birthday is. I often forget if it is February 8th or February 9th. It’s the 8th…and don’t ask me how I have suddenly remembered it, it’s an embarrassing story and I won’t be sharing it here. Let’s just say it has to do with Peyton Manning, the Colts, and a Superbowl party.

Anyway, as you can imagine, my boys keep me very busy. Most days we are up at 6am and don’t get to bed until 10pm, and the hours in between are non-stop. Most of those hours in between I am at work. My job is very stressful. Well, stressful may be the wrong word, chaotic is probably a better description. I work for a very passionate woman who has a Type A personality, and my days can therefore become stressful. On those particular days all I want to do is go home, unwind and gradually work my way through the evening with a little peace and quiet.

Yesterday was one of those days. I knew when I got home from work, it was going to be non-stop at my house, but what I really wanted was a peaceful quiet evening.

I didn’t get it.

Here is what I came home to.

Hamilton (my 10 year old): (asking angrily) Mom! Why did you sign me up for Basketball Camp at Butler?

Me: Because your dad and I thought you would love it.

Hamilton: But I wanted to go to Adventure Camp that week, not basketball camp.

Me: It’s too late, I already signed you up.

Hamilton: This sucks! I wish you would have asked me first.

Me: I asked you about Adventure Camp last week and you weren’t excited about it.

Hamilton: Well, I wanted to go.

Me: Fine, I will call Butler in the morning, take the penalty for canceling and sign you up for Adventure Camp instead.

Hamilton: (with a look of horror on his face) Wait? What? Huh?

Me: It’s no problem, if you don’t want to go to Butler Basketball Camp you don’t have to go, I’m not going to force you.

Hamilton: Who said I didn’t want to go?

Me: You did.

Hamilton: No I didn’t, you aren’t listening to me.

Me: You said you wanted to go to Adventure Camp that week.

Hamilton: No I didn’t!

Me: Ok Hamilton, what do you want to do that week, Adventure Camp or Butler Basketball Camp?

Hamilton: Gosh…nobody listens to me!

Me: I’m listening now, what do you want to do?

Hamilton: I already told you…

Me: I know you did, but I wasn’t listening (I had to suck it up…he was grumpy and I needed an answer)

Hamilton: Fine, I will go to Butler Basketball Camp because that is what everyone else wants me to do.

Me: Hamilton, it’s your summer, you get to choose…are you sure you want to do Butler Basketball Camp?

Hamilton: Yes! Gosh…this summer is going to suck!

And that is how things go down at my house! I know, it makes you want to come on over and hang out with us, doesn’t it. As you can imagine, I was completely frustrated after this conversation.

I was grumpy.

Gibson, my seven year old could sense my frustration. He came running downstairs and gave me a huge hug and started this conversation.

Gibson: Mommy, I love you. How was your day?

Me: It was good. How was your day?

Gibson: You’re so pretty mom.

Me: Thanks Geeker (that’s what I call him). Hey do you want to go to the gym with me to see about getting a membership after we drop Hamilton off at basketball practice?

Gibson: Why do you want a membership to the gym?

Me: Because I don’t feel good about myself and working out always makes me feel better.

Gibson: You don’t need to work out mom, you’re pretty.

Gibson: and your not fat.

Gibson: well your butt is a little big, but that’s ok, it’s like you always say mom “Nothin that a good expensive pair of jeans can’t take care of, right?”

Me: (crying silently) Right buddy!

I love Monday’s at my house!

Monday Confessions

I confess…
I’m a grump today.

I confess…
I have four dates this week and I’m not really looking forward to one of them.

I confess…
I’m a little frustrated with some of my friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have the best friends in the world, but do they really need to inform me that Mr. Perfect for Me was in town this past weekend? I deleted him from my life for a reason…

I confess…
I’m going to drink this tonight



…in hopes of getting me out of my funk.

I confess…
My creative juices are lacking…and I don’t like it.

I confess…
My faith is currently being challenged.

I confess…
I know the answer to my problems…it’s getting back to the gym…but I’m too lazy to do anything about it right now.

I confess…
I had a wildly inappropriate dream about Hot Fireman last night…and it’s the only thing that I can currently think about.

I confess…
Clowns freak me out.

I confess…
I am a “list” girl. If I don’t start the day off with a list to check off as I go along, I’m lost. I left my list at home today.

Mr. Good on Paper and Good in Person

So I had another date last night, and all I can say is this…“what the hell is wrong with me?”

I can’t figure it out. I can’t quite put my finger on it. But I definitely have a problem.

…A serious problem.

You see, Mr. Good on Paper and Good in Person did everything right. First and foremost, before we even met, he instigated an actual phone conversation. And that says a lot in my book. We had a couple of conversations before we actually sent text messages or went out on a date.

I know, it’s crazy, isn’t it?

Kind of old fashioned, but I like it!

We planned to meet for drinks at a trendy club. He showed up on time. He looked nice. He dressed well. He was friendly. He was communicative. He was funny. He has his shit together. And most importantly, he not only asked questions, but he seemed genuinely interested in my answers.

I got a lot of information from him during our conversations. He is a hard worker. He is a great dad. He is well educated. He is a good businessman. He is outgoing. He likes to have fun. He is spontaneous.

He has met all of my criteria (except the height issue, but I’m working on that)! He is truly good on paper and good in person.

But…here’s the kicker…

I’m not feeling it. And I have no idea why…

We are going to dinner next week…and I’m determined to figure it out.

Wish me luck!

Does happiness cloud our minds

After my break up with Mr. Perfect for Me I did a lot of soul searching.

I realized that dating him was just a reminder of the fact that we, and by “we” I mean “women in general”, tend to get caught up in the moment when we are in what we think is a happy fulfilling relationship. We tend to overlook the little things, which often times end up becoming the deal breakers in relationships.

We can’t help it.

It’s in our nature.

During this period of soul searching, I came up with a list. A list of characteristics that I will no longer HEDGE on when it comes to the men in my life, no matter what my heart tells me! I have realized I have to grow up, take accountability for my behavior, my actions and most importantly, my heart.

CHARACTER
Reputation is the issue here, in family life, relationships, and profession. It can be seen most easily in what he will choose to do when he is all alone. It is the way in which he lives his life. Does he do what he says he is going to do? Does he follow through? Does he make good choices?

HONESTY
Does he keep his word? This is a tough thing to do all of the time, especially in relationships. Circumstances sidetrack us, other priorities take precedence and overwhelm our thinking. Bottom line, does he do the right thing?

PRINCIPLES
This, I consider the inner strength at the core of his heart. It is clear when we see how a man spends his money. Does he buy fancy cars or blow money on unnecessary things? I wholeheartedly believe you will find a man’s heart where his wallet is. Don’t get me wrong, it is fun to splurge every once in a while, but typically how does he spend his money? Is it to impress you?

PEACEFUL HEART
I think peace is created by thought patterns. A man, whose actions come from his heart, is usually a peaceful man. Peace does not mean panic, or busyness. When the hurriedness of everyday life takes over, relationships tend to become dysfunctional. It’s ok to slow down and enjoy life. You don’t always have to be on the go.

BEHAVIOR
Discipline. I once heard it said that the “will to win” is not what wins the game. The game was won long before it was played. It’s the will to prepare to win that wins the game. I think that the willingness of a man to discipline his life is the key to success in not only business but relationships as well.

MATURITY
Maturity, it doesn’t come with years, it comes with the acceptance of responsibility and growth. Mature men don’t necessarily need to be recognized or esteemed in public. He acts mature because he believes maturity is right. But more importantly, he is consistent, decisive and strong.

FRIEND
Last but not least, being someone’s friend instead of just being friendly is the key. Being friendly accepts no responsibility for the other person’s feelings or wellbeing. While being a friend is someone who accepts the bonds and context of being someone your friend can depend on.

It’s sad as I look back at these characteristics. I can’t believe I would hedge on any of these, but I did…on all of them with Mr. Perfect for Me…and it took me getting out of that relationship before I realized it.

Happiness clouds our minds…and if it clouds our minds then are we really happy?

Hate is a strong word

There are not a lot of things in this world that I can actually say I hate. I may dislike things, but I don’t hate a lot. But do you know what I hate more than texting with a stranger before I have actually had a phone conversation with them?

I hate the fade out?


What is the fade out, you might ask?

It’s when someone you have met suddenly stops calling and drops off the face of the earth. It’s the weak man’s way around an uncomfortable conversation.

Most people I know, both men and women, have been on the receiving end of the fade out at one time or another in their lives. I have definitely had my fair share of men who have pulled the old fade out on me. I will admit it, it sucks! But it is what it is and we have no choice but to move on.

Most times I wish men had the balls to call and say they were no longer interested instead of stopping the flow of communication all together. I mean, we are all adults. I can take it if you aren’t interested in me. More often than not, I probably wasn’t all that interested in you either.

I’m not proud…I have just pulled the fade out on Mr. Smiles A lot.

I’ve never done it before, and I feel horribly guilty. I justify it by saying, we didn’t have a lot invested in each other, so I just didn’t feel like the confrontation was necessary. We had only been on one date and had a few awkward text conversations. That’s it. I knew within the first 2 minutes of our date that I wouldn’t be going out with him a 2nd time, but I didn’t have the balls to admit that when he said “we should do this again” at the end of the evening.

I didn’t want to be on the other end of hurting his feelings.

I didn’t want to have to answer the question, why not?

It’s not a good excuse, but it’s my excuse.

The Great (not so scientific) experiment, Part Deux

So I teased you all a little last week. Yep, I’m not proud, but sometimes that is what it takes to get you to come back to my blog…and I will do whatever it takes to get you to come back. It’s kind of like my dating life. I’ve learned over the years that if you don’t give it all up immediately, they always come back for more.

It’s no secret to anyone how much I loathe online dating. I don’t know of one person in my life that has had any long term relationship come of it. But I hear, all of the time, how successful it is for others. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met a couple of nice guys online in the past, but nothing that I could ever see as long term.

A couple of weeks ago, I was on my computer working on my book and it occurred to me that the two times I have done online dating in the past, I may not have put myself out there like I should have. So I logged on and did a search, as a man in my community, just to see what my competition would be.

And I was shocked, shocked at the women that were my competition.

I couldn’t believe some of the profile pictures that I came across. Barely clothed and lots of cleveage seemed to be the common theme for women between the ages of 35-45. No wonder I don’t have a lot of success with online dating. I tend to stay on the more conservative side when it comes to the pictures I post. You know, fully clothed, no bikini shots…just the basics. And it was these conservative pictures that got me connections with guys that were NOT my type whatsoever, well, except for Hot Fireman, but that unfortunately went down in flames quicker than it heated up.

Quite honestly, it was a gentle reminder to me that men are very visual creatures. And that is something that I try not to think about a lot.

So I decided to conduct another experiment. One I’m not totally proud of, but one I needed to conduct for peace of mind.

Two weeks ago I created two online dating profiles, as a test of sorts, to see what kind of traffic I could get to come my way. The only difference between the two profiles was the profile picture. Everything else was the exact same.

The first profile I created using this picture below as my profile picture.



This is me on a day to day basis. My hair is about 2-3 inches longer now than it is in this picture, otherwise, it’s me, a mom who values communication, laughter and honesty above all else.

The second profile I created using this picture below as my profile picture.



This is me getting ready to go on a rare night out with hair extensions in and a tank top on, otherwise, it’s me, a mom who values communication laughter and honesty above all else.

The first week I put up the first profile of me…my normal everyday look. And here is what I came across:

Total Connections (winks & emails)- 800 (all men)
Locations: connections came from all across the country, even though I specified a 20 mile radius
Average age: 48 (my suggested range was 37-45)
# of people worth persuing: 1

The second week I put up the second profile of me…my Barbie look, as I like to call it. And here is what I came across with that profile:

Total Connections (winks & emails)- 1,803 (1,797 men and 6 women)
Locations: connections came from all across the country, even though I specified a 20 mile radius
Average age: 36 (my suggested range was 37-45)
# of people worth persuing: 3

For those of you doing the math...the percentage of people worth persuing is less than 1%! The odds of finding Mr. Right online at this rate are slim to none.

Very discouraging!

The number one difference between the guys that contacted me in both profiles was the number of “never married” guys that contacted my “Barbie profile” over my normal every day profile. I would guess that 60% of the connections I made with the Barbie profile were listed as never married. And at 40, that is a total deal breaker for me. You see, when a man hasn’t been married by the time he is 40 it says to me that “the most important thing in my life so far has been me.” And I am not remotely interested in being the woman that has to break him of that characteristic.

Quite frankly, I’m just floored at the results of this little test. But it definitely answers a lot of my questions. I now understand why I will never meet my Prince Charming online.

It's sad that if you don’t look like a Barbie doll men just flat out aren’t interested in even giving you a chance.

And that’s ok. Because I'm not interested in meeting someone who just wants to meet me because I look like a Barbie doll. To these men I say, "to bad, so sad, missed out on what you could have had!"

Drama

So far turning 40 has been awesome!

Tonight is my official last birthday celebration and then life gets back to normal as I know it. And by “normal” I mean, working, hanging with my friends and family, carting my kids to and from their various activities, sitting in the bleachers on the weekends, and dating…all of which I do a pretty good job at…

…well, except for dating…sometimes, I question my ability to do this well.

When I dated in my teens and early twenties, it was full of drama. You know the kind of drama that makes you cringe as a 40 year old woman. Things like, sleeping with upperclassmen to become “popular”, stealing boyfriends/girlfriends from your friends, starting rumors about each other, those kinds of things.

Yeah, kind of makes your stomach churn at the memory, doesn’t it?

Well, what I’m realizing now is that even as an adult this kind of stuff still goes on. It’s crazy, but it does. You would think we all would have matured by now, but for the most part, adults still play high school games with each other. But NOT me! When I get the first whisper of high school games, I back off quick…like in a sprint!

I just can’t catch a break though.

All I am looking for is a nice, good looking, quality guy who wants to take dating seriously. I’m not interested in someone who can only date me once a month because his schedule is so busy, nor am I looking for someone who is so married to his career that he has no time for dating. I’m not looking for pen pals and text buddies. I’m also not looking to be someone’s warm body until their ex-wife decides she wants him back.

Nope…not interested in any of that crap!

But for some reason that’s the kind of man that I attract.

I recently got a couple of text messages from Mr. Perfect for Me, whom I have not talked to in weeks. I could tell he was pissed and that apparently I had done something to piss him off, but I had no clue what it was, until I talked to my friend who fixed us up. Apparently his ex-wife (whom he left me for) had apparently gotten some kind of email from me bashing her.

Of course, those of you that know me, know this is not my style. I take defeat gracefully. When a guy doesn’t want me in his life anymore, I move on. I don’t fight for him…ever! I want a guy that will fight for me, not one that I have to beg to be a part of my life. But, against my better judgment, I still spent the better part of yesterday fighting for my dignity and pride with Mr. Perfect for Me. I tried to convince him that the email wasn’t from me. He believed me, then he didn’t believe me, then he did, then he didn’t.

And then I realized I didn’t care anymore.

He and his ex-wife have always thrived on the drama in their lives, and this was just another drama induced episode for them. In fact my friend and I are convinced that his ex-wife is making this whole thing up as a test for him. Yeah, they are that crazy!

I am not a vindictive person. When I’m not wanted I move on…that’s it! So I did what any self-respecting woman would do, I deleted him as a friend on Facebook, deleted his contact information from my phone, deleted all of his pictures from my phone and computer, and threw away all of the things that he had ever given me during our relationship.

I’m not gonna lie, that process felt good.

It’s almost like he never existed!

And that makes me happy!

Mr. Smiles A lot

So I had a date last night.

It’s the 2nd date I have been on since ending my relationship with Mr. Perfect for Me a couple of months ago. Oh, wait…I guess it was my third date, if you count this one that I talked about last week.

I wasn’t all that excited about the date. Why, you might ask?

Well for starters…he reminded me of my cousin. I informed him of that during one of our many conversations.



Mr. Smiles A lot: So what is it about me that first caught your attention?

Me: You looked like my cousin. I wanted to look at your picture to see if it was him.

Mr. Smiles A lot: and do I look like him?

Me: Yes, very much.

Mr. Smiles A lot: So what’s his name?

Me: Chip

Mr. Smiles A lot:(reaching out to shake my hand) Hello Julie, you can call me Chip.

Me: (suddenly sick to my stomach at the perverted thought of dating my cousin)


After that comment, I ordered another drink. And then…this conversation came about…


Mr. Smiles A lot: I like your shoes

Me: Thanks! I don’t really wear high heels to work so I like to wear them when I go out.

Mr. Smiles A lot: They are awful pointy

Me: I know that’s why I like them

Mr. Smiles A lot: I only to wear high heels around the house. Ha Ha

Me: (suddenly sick to my stomach at the perverted thought of him prancing around his house in heels)

Yeah, by that time I had had enough, I decided to forgo the third drink and call it a night.

Can you blame me?

The great (not so scientific) experiment

I am so excited.

I have been conducting an experiment of sorts for the past 2 ½ weeks and I can’t wait to share the results with you. Those of you that are on here strictly to read about the horridness that is my so called dating life, you are gonna love it. For the rest of you that just read this for the “oh bless her heart” factor, well, I think you might find the results fantastic too.

Either way, join me next week where I share with you the results of the “Great Experiment”. I can’t share any more information without giving up the results, but let’s just suffice it to say, it will be worth the read.

Oh, ok...I guess I can give you one little hint…it involves that picture of me over there to the right in my about me section…yeah the one where I look like a hot Barbie…that picture.

Stay tuned...

I...

So every once in a while I get stumped for things to talk about here on my blog, but rest assured, today, isn’t one of those days. I know you are all wiping your brows and saying “whew” right about now.

I have another list today, because I know how much you all love my lists.

But, I cannot take credit for this all on my own. I stole it! Yep I flat out ripped it off from here. It’s a new blog that I stalk daily. The girl is hilarious and has an awesome dog. I want an awesome dog. She is in the dating scene, I’m in the dating scene, we are both frustrated…enough said. I like this girl. Check her out if you get a chance.

Anyway, I learned a lot about her from her list…so I thought I would share mine with you.

I am… everything I need to be, I’m just me and I like it like that!

I want…to get my darn book finished!

I have… the best life ever.

I wish… people would give my inner beauty a chance before they judge me on my outer beauty.

I know…things in my life are going to change soon! I can feel it! And I’m excited!

I hate…to be hurt.

I hear…the sound of my stomach growling…guess that means I need to eat.

I crave… strawberry ice cream with granola.

I search… for the good in everyone.

I always… misplace my car key.

I usually…am upbeat and happy.

I miss…my mom!

I love… my kids more than anything in this world.

I never…wear underwear. (sorry, is that too much information?)

I rarely…cook.

I cry… at everything. I can’t help it…I’m emotional…thanks mom!

I lose…my phone constantly. I can’t tell you how many times I have to go back to stores to pick it up.

I should…trust my gut more often.

I worry…about my future all of the time.

I dream…of finding the perfect man…please tell me my dreams aren’t wasted!

I was…broken. Now I’m not.

I need… a good laugh every day.

I can… do anything I want if I set my mind to it.

I want that

So I managed to survive my 40th birthday with grace and maturity all while keeping my dignity in check. I know some of you are surprised by that, but that’s what happens when one turns 40…it’s called personal growth people! I had a great week long celebration with family and lots of friends. Heck, I might even be so bold as to wish that 40th birthdays could happen every year…yep, it was that good.

But…

Oh come on, nothing is that good…you had to know there was a “but” coming somewhere along the way.

As much as I was looking forward to turning 40, there is still one thing that I really hate about it.

No, it’s not the fact that I woke up to this on Saturday morning…



…nothing like the smell of fire to make you sit up straight in your bed bright and early on a Saturday morning.

And no it’s not the fact that I think I got food poisoning during my birthday celebration with Hot Fireman on Friday night. (Sorry Hot Fireman, if you're reading this, I promise to make it up to you soon. And we both know soon in our schedules is within the next six weeks or your birthday, whichever comes first.)

And it’s definitely not that I haven’t accomplished any of the goals I set for myself to accomplish before I turned 4o.

Nope, it’s none of those…

The fact is the worst part about turning 40 is that those around you are also getting older too. And by “those around you” I mean my dad in particular.

I hate the fact that he is getting older.

In fact, I just got back from taking him home from the hospital. He was admitted into the ER after his cardiac rehab appointment.

It sucks to walk into a hospital and see the man you have looked up to your entire life laying there helpless and scared not knowing what is wrong with him.

It sucks to walk into a hospital and see the man you have looked up to your entire life and you know you can’t do anything to help him.

It sucks to walk into a hospital and see the man you have looked up to your entire life and you know that what he wants deep down inside is to be in heaven with his wife whom he loved dearly and lost 11 ½ years ago.

It just plain sucks!

But, what I realized when I was sitting there with him is that I want what he had with my mom! They were married for 35 years before she passed away.

They truly loved each other. Sure, they bickered and took each other for granted at times, but there was never any question as to their love for each other. I want that.

They never put on an act, they were always themselves when they were around each other. There was no judging…each was accepted by the other, no matter what. I want that.

They taught me and my brothers what love is and what it means to love, especially in the end when my mom was very sick and my dad was by her side 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I want that.

They brought out the best in each other. I want that.

They talked about everything and knew that listening wasn’t just about waiting for your turn to talk. I want that.

They always knew that no matter what tomorrow may bring, today their lives were more complete because they had each other, no matter what, through thick and thin. I want that.

Growing up. my parents quickly became the role models for the relationships I had in my life. The message of how they treated one another was deeply imbedded in my psyche. And I want my kids to have that same feeling about me someday.

Maybe they will…maybe they won’t, but let’s suffice it to say, I want that too!

Something happened on the way to turning 40

In my 39 years, 362 days here on this earth I have learned ALOT, some good things, some bad things and some ugly things...but, no matter what, they were all worthy lessons. Some of these lessons I wish I would have learned at different times so that I could have either enjoyed them longer, or been hurt by them less. But we can't always control what we learn and when we learn it, all we can do is change ourselves based on the experiences we have.

So consider yourselves lucky blog fans...I'm sharing with you today, my most prized list to date...I like to call it 39 lessons in 39 years.

1. When people show you the kind of person they are the first time, BELIEVE them!

2. You are so smart, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

3. Credit cards are the work of the devil.

4. If you are going to be a slut, please be discreet about it.

5. Don't be afraid to venture out alone.

6. Don't ever let your eyes play tricks on you.

7. Live your dream and wear your passion.

8. Don't dwell on past relationships, men are like busses, another one comes around every 15 minutes.

9. A half truth is a whole lie.

10. The key to happiness is realizing and experiencing your dreams instead of just dreaming them.

11. Teachers are noble.

12. Read. read. read. Write. write. write.

13. Never say what another person will or won't do.

14. Trust your gut!

15. Nothing beats a good cocktail!

16. Cherish your loved ones.

17. This is your life...do what YOU love!

18. If someone isn't there for you anymore you have to let him/her go no matter how difficult that may be.

19. Now is the time to enjoy the great life that you have.

20. Do not allow others to make you feel like less of a person, no matter what their reason is.

21. Stop fighting yourself.

22. You are good enough!

23. Sometimes your mom does know best.

24. Always be yourself...do NOT pretend for anyone.

25. No one needs to know everything about you.

26. Keep your friends close and forget about your enemies.

27. Nothing, and I mean nothing is better than good sex.

28. Use what you have to get what you want.

29. If you don't like something, don't bitch about it, change it.

30. All emotions are beautiful.

31. Open your mind, arms and heart to new things.

32. If someone wants to be a part of your life, they will make an effort to be in it.

33. You always know what you have, you just don't ever think you will lose it.

34. When things in your life don't add up, then maybe it is time to start subtracting.

35. The good thing about life is that there is always another chapter.

36. Love yourself first!

37. Hold onto yourself tight because sometimes life hurts like hell.

38. Remember, you are beautiful, no matter what anyone else tells you.

39. Don't be afraid to get lost, because it will only help you find yourself.

40 may be the new 30 but someone forgot to tell my ass

I used to think the number in my bank account was the only thing going down. That is until I really started thinking about my impending 40th birthday this Saturday. Apparently forty is the new thirty, fifty is the new 40, twenty-one is the new eighteen…whew, I feel my hormones sky rocketing to adolescent levels even as I type.

This new math, created by those Hollywood/celebrity types that can’t come to terms with getting older, doesn’t, however, just stop at age. It is apparent in clothing, size 10 is now the new size eight…shopping, what used to cost $50 is now 50% off of $100. Almost everything that has a numeric value associated with it has gone down over the years, except for, of course, gas prices which have gone up quicker than Pee Wee Herman at a porno flick, and the optimum size of a woman as portrayed on TV, in movies and magazines. Because we all know that size six is the new size twelve, and that makes me feel fat.

So what, you may ask, does that have to do with today’s post? Wwll today’s post is about me coming to terms with turning 40. Like I have said in past posts, I’m ok with it. I’m not where I thought I would be when I turned 40, but I am actively making changes in my life to be there, SOON! I’m not bitching, moaning or complaining about turning 40, in fact, I’m kind of looking forward to it.

I came to terms with my age a long time ago. It’s inevitable, so I might as well age gracefully, right? And in order to age gracefully, I had to come to terms with a few things that I just have to understand are out of my control. Well maybe not totally out of my control, but things, that I have come to realize are going to happen and I just have to stick around and enjoy the ride.

Things like...

I exercise more, eat less, weigh more, and care about it less!

I don’t lean over and pick something up unless it’s really important. I find myself constantly calculating “risk vs. reward”…you know like bending down to pick up a newspaper? Nope, my kids can get it for me. A $20 bill? Yep. My kids are quick, they would pick it up and then run with it. I'm no dummy!

My bills, weight and number of Facebook friends are all higher than they were a few years ago.

My tolerance for teenagers…way lower! Not that I have them, but I work with them everyday.

I now get up at least twice a night to pee. When I hit 30 it was once a night…heck at this rate, I might just be sleeping on the toilet when I hit 60.

My car insurance just tripled, not because I have added a teenager, but because I don’t pay attention when I drive…I can’t help it, my mind wanders.

I don’t want to go to my annual physical anymore, because my doctor warned me that the poking and prodding becomes even more intrusive at 40…and then jokingly he snapped on a pair of rubber gloves. Yeah, not funny!

Whenever I get a new electronic device, ie: cell phone, ipod, xbox, I just give it to my kids to set it up for me… I gave up on that stuff years ago.

I eat cereal all of the time…this may be no big deal, but I don’t eat cereal unless it has the word “fiber” in it.

And last but not least…two words for you…LARGE PRINT!

To ink or not to ink...Part II

So yesterday, I went to a local tattoo salon with every intention of getting my first tattoo to help ring in my 40th birthday.

But, I chickened out.

Why did I chicken out, you might ask?

Well…I was telling the Hot Fireman that I was going to go and his reaction kind of freaked me out. He’s a tattoo kind of guy, so me getting one is not an issue for him, but when I told him where I was going to get my tattoo (on the back of my neck), he said he had “no comment”.

This kind of freaked me out, and made me start thinking…

Is the back of the neck not a good place for a tattoo? Is it overly painful? Is it like the earring fad of the late 80’s…tattoo on the ankle means your straight, tattoo on the back of the neck means you’re a gay? Do only losers get tattoos on the back of their necks? Do I really want to ink? Am I wanting a tattoo for the right reasons?

You know questions like that.

So I walked out of the salon without going through with it. I decided to give myself another week to think about it.

And thank God I did!

You see, I just saw that Charlie Sheen’s goddesses are “branding themselves” in honor of their love for Mr. Tiger Blood.

And this is what they are doing…



Clearly this has made my decision so much easier. I have already emailed Mr. Tiger Blood’s people to see if I can get a copy of his signature for my tattoo next week.

Duh...winning!

Look out 40…here I come!

Pay it forward

So you all know I am going to be 40 in 8 days…8 DAYS people!

Like most people, I had goals that I wanted to reach by the time I was 40. But that’s my problem, I only had goals, I didn’t have a game plan to help get me to those goals. Now I’m frustrated and soon to be 40…that’s not a good combination, in my book.

In order to help me accomplish my goals...while I’m still living, I treated myself to a 30 day program of reflection, growth, and goal setting. Today is day 4, and so far, so good. I’m loving the program. Right now we are just in the reflection period and it’s eye opening. I’m looking back at my life and picking it apart, and that’s hard…it’s owning up to a lot of mistakes I’ve made in the past.

But that’s how we learn, right?

Anyway, part of the program is about getting out, meeting new people and creating positive relationships in our lives. So this morning, I had coffee with a guy that my friend has been dying to fix me up with. I wasn’t really excited about going, because I don’t really like blind dates. Not that this was a blind date, but I had never talked to or seen the guy, so, yeah…it was a blind “meeting”. And of course it was an epic FAIL! I will not be seeing him again! You see, I have this thing about meeting guys for coffee. If they get there before me and order their own coffee without waiting for me, I won’t ever give them a second chance. And that is exactly what happened today. He showed up early, bought his own coffee and was already sitting at a table when I got there.

But the worst part was that I had to wait in line for 10 minutes before I actually got my coffee and you know what he did? Yep, you guessed it…he sat at the table and waited for me to get my coffee. It was 10 minutes, you would think he could come and wait in line with me and get the conversation going. Maybe I expect too much from people, who knows.

Oh well, that’s not really the point of my post today.

Here's my point...

While I was waiting in line, I was thinking about my ex-mother-in-law. You see, whenever she goes to Starbucks, she always buys coffee for the person behind her line. I think it’s fabulous! So I thought I would give it a try today.

I get to the cash register, place my order, and when the cashier asks if there is anything else she can get me, I point to the guy behind me and say “yes, whatever he wants too.” He looked at me shocked! He immediately said “no, no, I can’t let you do that”, but I insisted. We argued back and forth for what seemed like forever, but in reality it was only about 30 seconds.

He finally gave in and gave the cashier his order: (3) Carmel Macchiato’s, (2) white chocolate mocha’s, and (2) venti house blends later, and I was forking out $27…plus a tip.

Doh!

Pay it forward never felt so…broke!

Closure smosure...

Recently I’ve been spending some quality time with my therapist. I swear I’m going to give him up one day, but for some reason I just can’t quit him. Maybe it’s because he is one of the only men in my life that I think truly listens to me and genuinely cares about what happens to me. This is definitely the only relationship in my life that is all about me…and I like it. Of course, I have to fork out tons of money every month to have this kind of relationship with a man, but trust me…it’s worth every penny.

I swear it’s because of him (and of course the money that I pay him) that has helped me move on so quickly from my relationship with Mr. Perfect for Me. I have realized over the past month or so many things about myself that I didn’t like when I was in that relationship (more on that later).

But, on the plus side, I have also found out some things that I really liked about myself. Most importantly is the fact that I realized that I don’t need closure at the end of a relationship to move on and be happy. Because for me, closure was becoming more about him than it was me.

Let me explain.

In my relationship with Mr. Perfect for me, I was adamant about getting closure, and like most men, he wasn’t fond of the idea. Even though I was the one that put the final nix on the relationship, I still felt like I needed closure. I felt deep down that I wouldn’t be able to move on unless I knew exactly where things went wrong.
But here is what I realized.

I realized I was sabotaging myself for wanting closure so badly, when truth be told, I just didn’t want to free myself from thoughts and emotions regarding Mr. Perfect for Me. I said I didn’t want to think about him anymore, yet my mind always drifted in that direction.

My “need to know” thoughts seemed to overpower my ability to move on. You know, the questions that hamper us all during a fresh break up. What is he doing right now? Is he hurting? Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he want to reunite with me? Is he happy that it is over? Is he already moving on? Is he sleeping with someone else? Does he care about them like he cared about me? How can he act like this isn’t affecting him? Did he really love me?

What I realized is that the answer to those questions would have made absolutely no difference in my life. I wasn’t willing to wait around for Mr. Perfect for Me to decide if he was going to stick with me or move in another direction and work on rekindling his relationship with his control freak, selfish, type A ex wife who treated him and his kids like crap for years. It didn’t take me long to realize that these questions I was asking myself were all about him, and not ME! The answers to those questions would not have given me closure, they would have only led to more questions.

I also realized that I have a wonderful imagination and I am curious by nature. Which only led to me fantasize about what was going on with him. I would imagine telling him all of the things I didn’t like about him and that he didn’t deserve to be with me anyway. I would imagine him crying when he said how sorry he was(that actually happened). I would go over and over our conversations in my mind just in case I ever see him or talk to him again, I want to be prepared with what I would say. I started picturing him miserable and suffering. The problem is I realized I was living in my imagination rather than accepting my reality and dealing with it.

So, instead of focusing on the shiny happy times, or the things I will miss about Mr. Perfect for me, I started focusing on the bad side of the relationship, and reasons why it didn’t work out and how the signs were probably there from the beginning. I think about the way he handled things in the end and how much he disappointed me. I think about his selfishness and insecurities and I thank God that our relationship stopped when it did. He was not the man for me, and I realize that now.

I’m just glad that I realized it sooner rather than later!

Technology, a blessing and a curse

Back in the day before I married the Ex dating was so much easier. We pretty much relied on our friends and co-workers to set us up on dates. Now, however, with cell phones and the Internet we never ever have to worry about our friends setting us up on dates again. We now have the ability to take control of our own dating lives.

But that too can be a curse.

Let me explain…

Take cell phones for example. I often wonder what we ever did without them. How did I ever occupy my time while sitting at a stop light before I had a cell phone? With the cell phone, I never have to worry about being out of touch with anyone. But, on the other hand, I can never really just disconnect from the world either. I tried deactivating my FaceBook account recently for a week and felt like I was missing out on something special, so I reactivated it, only to realize I wasn’t missing out on anything.

The one thing I hate about technology is that it gives us the ability to know way too much about each other, and this can be detrimental early on when you are just starting to date someone.

Back in the day, before the Internet and online dating profiles, dating was easy. Here is how the beginning of a relationship might look…

1. You would meet a cute guy at work, or the gym, or the bar. He would ask for your number.

2. He would call you and ask you out on a date.

3. You would go on said date and have a fabulous time.

4. He would call you a day or two later to tell you that he had a wonderful time and ask you out again.

5. You would think, “Wow this guy really likes me,” and be excited at the prospect that he might be boyfriend material.

But NOW, because of technology, things are a little different. Here is how an almost identical scenario could play out thanks to all of the technology we now have at our fingertips.

1. You meet a cute guy at work, or the gym, or the bar. He asks for your number.

2. You immediately Google him, check his Facebook account, and see if he is a Twitterer. If his pictures are good and the stuff he posts is smart and funny, you anxiously await his call.

3. He calls you or texts you and asks you out on a date.

4. You go on the date and have a fabulous evening.

5. He calls you a day or two later, you of course let it go to voice mail. His message says he had a wonderful time and would like to take you out the next Friday. You text him back, “wld luv 2 c u fri.”

6. You find yourself falling for him and hoping that he is not seeing other women. To ensure that he is not, you then begin the process of stalking him online to see what his profile status is and what the girls look like who are posting comments on his profile.

7. If you don’t like the looks of his online behavior, you get threatened, frustrated and/or angry and write him off before he has a chance to hurt you.

And it ends as quickly as it begins.

I have two dates in the next two weeks, one with a new guy that I am not that excited about and one with someone I have dated in the past which I am really excited about. I pledge to not google either, and see what happens. You know, pretend it’s twenty years ago when the Internet didn’t exist. I guess that means that I need to also break out my swatch watches and K-Swiss tennis shoes for my dates.