Project Love: Day #18

Sea of love

Whoever said, “there are plenty of fish in the sea” obviously was not single and on the hunt for the perfect guy.

Recently I had a conversation with my friend about the quality of single available men looking for a long term relationship. My friend and I disagreed on the “number of available men”…she says there are plenty and thinks I’m too picky. (she’s also married) Huh, I wonder what ever gave her that idea? Maybe it was this excerpt from one of our most recent conversations…

Friend: Don’t give up Julie, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: Yeah there are whales too!

I know…you laugh…but I’m right! If you’re single, you know that I am right!

But the question that this “proverb” evokes in me is this, why is it so difficult for a good woman (and by good woman, I mean me) to find a good man (and by good man I mean breathing)? I think most women (again, I mean me) would bend over backwards for the right man. But what I am finding is that most men in my age range want to be what I like to call serial daters, or play the field.

I have seen so many of my friends give so much and get so little in return. They, like me, get frustrated with the lack of good men and end up settling for some guy that is not worthy of them. And because they (ok…who am I kidding, me again)settle, they expect change from the get go…and we all know men won’t change unless they want to.

Here is a little hint ladies…if a man is getting everything he wants, acting the way he is, he is not going to change. Why would he?

What I am slowly finding is that the problem is not necessarily the men…hold on…the problem may just be me! Looking back over the past couple of relationships (and I use that word, relationships, lightly) I am realizing I am the one that has been doing the changing or conforming into what these men want. And what I have realized is that I wasn’t liking who I was becoming.

One guy I dated made it very clear early on that he loved the fact that his last girlfriend cooked for him. Well…those of you that know me, know that if the box can’t be opened and popped into the microwave for less than six minutes then I don’t “cook” it.

But at the time I was kind of desperate to be in a relationship, so I lied. I told him I was not only a great cook but that I loved to cook. If you could have seen his eyes light up when I told him that I loved to cook, you would have lied too…ahhh, acceptance! I know, crazy, right? Even crazier, I actually pulled it off, for a little while. I would spend my Sunday’s searching for recipes online that I thought were “gourmet” yet easy enough for me to make. I would memorize the recipe and make him dinner on nights that we were together. He thought I was amazing, I thought I was crazy! Thank God that relationship didn’ t last long…I was beginning to spend way too much time and energy on my new “hobby.”

Another guy I dated was pretty spiritual and an adamant believer in the Five Love Languages. For those of you that aren’t familiar with these, they are, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. At the time, I wasn’t familiar with these so called “languages”. So when we first discussed them I acted like I knew what he was talking about. And because I didn’t want to sound greedy or sleezy I told him my love language was words of affirmation. I was so pissed at myself when he told me his was receiving gifts. My first thought was, “damn this is going to be expensive for me.”

So for the next few months I bought him little gifts, carved him cool pumpkins, baked him cookies, sent him funny notes and all the while I was getting “thank you’s” and “you’re the best babe” kind of compliments. I’ll be honest with you, that relationship sucked about as much as a hooker at a Democratic convention.

I have many other embarrassing stories like these but I am not going to share anymore, at least not today. I want you guys to think that I am this amazing girl that has come so far in my quest to find myself and if I tell anymore of these stories you won’t think that about me.

Just kidding…I actually value looking back at these experiences in my life. It is so much easier to see the stupidity in my actions and learning from them after having been out of the relationships for a period of time.

It’s my learning curve…and I am learning a lot about myself!

Love is a Battlefield.