Flaunting is for the birds

Starting my posts with “I hate…” is not something I enjoy doing, but lately I’ve been doing it quite often.

So today I am going to start my post with this…

Do you know what I love?

I love when people donate to charities. I love when people help out those in need. I love when people do whatever they can to help better the lives of others.

I try to give and donate when I can, but as a single mom who often lives paycheck to paycheck it gets tough. So more often than not, I donate my time and talent more than I do my money. And I usually feel good when I’m done.

I know there are tons of people out there that have millions and millions of dollars and give a ton of it away. It always makes me happy when that happens.

To the contrary though, I hate when they are extravagent to the other extreme. You know like when a celebrity couple spends $25 million dollars on a 10 bedroom mansion…what do they need a house that size for when it’s just the two of them? Or when someone like Paris Hilton spends thousands and thousands of dollars a day on useless items, like jewelry and clothes for her dog.

And this….this is one of my biggest pet peeves…



This is a picture of the 20.5 carat engagement ring that Kris Humprhies just gave to Kim Kardashian.

Really?

Is this extravagance really necessary?

My question is this, what business does a 26year old have buying a 20.5 carat diamond engagement ring for a cool 2.5 million dollars for his 30 year old fiancé that he has only known a little over 6 months?

What is this world coming to when we have people in Joplin, MO who have lost their homes and can’t seem to keep their heads above water and Kim Kardashian is wearing 2.5 million dollars worth of jewelry…on her ring finger?

Quite frankly…IT DISGUSTS ME!

I feel sorry for Kris Humphries. Why you may ask? Well, in my mind an engagement ring is the “promise” of things to come. And if he is already purchasing something that extravagant this early on in their relationship, then I am of the opinion that he will never ever be able to keep her happy!

Poor fella!

Lessons Learned the Memorial Day Edition

I include my Ex on the neighborhood pool membership every year. This year, however, we were listed as The Ex & Julie + our last name, on the key tag. It made me feel weird.

Also available in the tampon machine in the bathroom of my local movie theater; Purdue face tattoos, lip gloss glitter, sour candy and ibuprofen. Who would have thought?

The Midwest seems to be back on good terms with Mother Nature…knock on wood!

My attention span for bored little boys on long weekends is very limited.

75% of my life (friends, family and job) is AWESOME, it’s the remaining 25% that I continue to struggle with.

I always feel like a new woman after a fresh manicure and pedicure.

I hate spring cleaning but my house always looks so good when it’s done.

Ryan Reynolds is in a movie with Jason Bateman coming out in July. The movie looks stupid but I will still pay top dollar to see it.

There is nothing like a few pots with gorgeous flowers to dress up my trashy looking lawn.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t figure out my stupid showerhead. I wish I had a handyman that could not only take care of that but take care of me too!

At 40, I still cannot throw a Frisbee!

They always come back…it’s a fact, they just do!

Participating in my first Warrior Dash in August with my girlfriends excites me yet scares me at the same time too.

Vacuuming a 3600 square foot house in 90 degree weather is a workout in itself...who needs a gym membership?

Nothing...that's what I've been missing

Have you ever spent time dreaming about the things you don’t have but wish you did? Do you ever find yourself envious of what those around you have? I’m not gonna lie, I have. In fact, I think that way a lot.

That is until today!

Today, for some reason, I woke up and thought “Holy crap…I have it…I have it all”

For some of you, this realization of mine may piss you off, because I know there is a little part of you that loves the self loathing I do here in my blog. Never fear my friends, there is more of that to come! I promise!

But I feel like I must acknowledge what is right in front of my face.

I woke up today, put my feet on the floor, in my bedroom, in my house…that I own.

I woke up to two awesome kids, who love ME, who were excited to see ME, who count on ME…every day, no matter what.

The clothes I picked out the night before, fit great and looked exactly as I had imagined them to look before I went to bed.

I had a great hair day.

There was hardly any traffic on my way in this morning which put me ahead of schedule for the day.

I have money in my bank account and am able to pay my bills in full and on time each month.

I work for two awesome men who regularly ask me how I am, how I’m doing and if they can make any changes to make my life easier.

I have AWESOME friends! Ones that always know what I need…and usually it’s just a laugh.

I have a job that I love that offers me great health insurance, a 401K plan for my future, and the ability to put a roof over my head and food on the table.

I have the ability to say what I want to say, practice the religion I want to practice, and be who I want to be on a daily basis.

Today, I couldn’t ask for another thing! Today, I appreciate my life! Today, I want nothing more!

Tomorrow, I hope for the same.

So I was at a party this weekend with some friends. I didn’t really want to go. The thought of being a homebody this weekend had been weighing heavily on me all week. I was looking so forward to spending Saturday and Sunday with me, myself and I. But a couple of my friends wouldn’t let that happen. Their theory is that if I don’t get out there in the world and mingle, then I will never meet Mr. Right.

They had a good point, so I decided to go.

Of course, I didn’t know anyone at the party, except for the two people that I went with. But that has never stopped me. I’ve never been a wall flower. I can strike up a conversation with anyone and convince you at the same time that I am interested in nothing other than the one on one we are having.

Yeah, it’s a gift…don’t hate me!

Anyway, there was this particularly good looking guy eyeing me by the fireplace. And you all know me well enough by now to know that I was not going to make a move. I figure, if he is interested in getting to know me then he will come over and make the first move. Andy by golly, he did.

But much to my dismay, it ended quicker than it began. Here is our brief 30 second conversation…

Him: Hi, my name is Brian, what is your name?

Me: I’m Julie.

Him: It’s great to meet you Julie. I’ve been watching you all night and your smile really got to me. I couldn’t leave without coming over to introduce myself.

Me: Well, it’s nice to meet you Brian. What do you do for a living?

Him: I’m a firefighter.

Me: (suddenly losing interest and finding it difficult to hold back the look of disappointment on my face). That’s a very noble profession.

Him: You don’t sound too excited about my profession.

Me: Oh I am, it's just that I’ve had a go around or two with a fireman lately.

Him: Well, was he gorgeous and single like me?

Me: He was definitely gorgeous, and he said he was single…so yeah, I guess you could say he is gorgeous and single. But enough about him, tell me more about you.

Him: I save lives…what more do you want to know?

Me: (stunned silent)…

It’s no wonder I’m still single

Lessons learned

Just because your kids aren’t in the car it doesn’t mean you still can’t play slug bug.

Going to work can be fun.

There is always one mom at school functions that makes you feel like you just don’t do enough.

I can’t remember what it feels like to get a full 8 hours sleep.

My mornings would be so much better if my kids didn’t have to spend them in time out.

It’s ok to stay in on a Saturday night…in fact, I’m looking forward to it!

I’m usually not into meatheads, but part of my new workout goal is more protein…meatheads may be just what I need!

I envy men because they get along. Case in point: when a man walks into a room full of other men, he doesn’t get eyed up and down and silently criticized for his ugly belt…well, unless that room is a room full of gay men.

Boys suck! (this is a lesson that I learn every week but forget each week too)

A good handyman would make my life so much easier…a lawn boy too, oh yeah, and a housekeeper, a cook, and a personal trainer would all be appreciated as well.

A salad just isn’t a salad when you make it yourself.

People aren’t always who they portray themselves to be.

Being true to myself is sometimes very difficult, but I know it will pay off in the long run

Gas at $3.91 a gallon is NOT a reason to celebrate.

Open Letter

Most of you that read my blog, know that I’m a processor of sorts. It takes me a while to sort through situations in my life. I need time to think about things before I can move on. So here we are almost 4 months out of my relationship with Mr. Jackhole and I have a few things to say to him. I love it when I get to this point, because it means that I am officially 100% over it all, over the hurt, over the pain and over the memories. And of course I’m going to handle it in a mature way, and by mature, I mean I’m going to blog about it and hope he reads it.

Dear Jackhole (formerly known as Mr. Perfect for Me),

You know what…you are right, it took some time, but I’m officially to the point where I can say WTF about the relationship we had.

Early on, you spoke my language, you complimented me. You said everything I wanted to hear. You made me feel special. You changed my idea about love. I started to believe in it again. I started to believe in fate too.

And then you did what you promised you wouldn’t do. You proved that it was all a lie. You proved that love didn’t exist. It wasn’t fate. You weren’t in love and what I was feeling was for nothing. It was like watching something that I believed in die a quick death.

You said one day we would laugh about this. Well, I don’t think I will ever laugh about it. It wasn’t funny to me. It was my FUTURE and the future of my kids and you were a part of it right before you toyed with me. You hurt me and I believed in you.

Now all I can say is this, thanks for effing things up. You promised you wouldn’t but you did and I have nothing but gratitude for it. Because what I eventually realized is what you were saying all along was true. We are two different people. We live completely different lives. I live one of love, truth and integrity. You live one of selfishness, selfishness and more selfishness and I want no part of that.

Fortunately for me you hurt me like you did or I may have never seen it.

Cheers to the future!
Happily single…

White trash fabulous

Have you ever been addicted to something so powerful that you can’t imagine in your wildest dreams ever living without it?

Well…I’m sad to say, I am!

Hello, my name is Julie and I’m addicted to Facebook.

Please don’t judge me or laugh at me behind my back. I have tried several times to give it up, only to get right back in the saddle again. There is always something that intrigues me, something that I just can’t ignore.

And all it takes is one click…and I’m addicted all over again.

I was so proud of myself. This time I lasted almost 2 weeks. You see, since I have started my new job, I have not been able to find the time to log in and catch up on what my friends are doing, so I just decided to delete my account. I never really thought about it. I never laid awake wondering what my friends were up to or what I was missing.

That is until I got a message saying “you must log in to retrieve your White Trash Fabulous invitation”. Well, who can ignore that…so I reactivated my account and got the following invitation to my cousins 40th Birthday Party.

You are cordially invited to *Cousins* White-Trash-Fabulous 40th Birthday Party at *bar of your choice*, June 10th at 6 PM. The theme, White Trash Fabulous, will celebrate 40 years of *Cousins* antics that include big-wheel races, taking a bath in a restaurant kitchen sink, and getting the cops called on a party before 10:00 pm. Please wear your most fabulous white trash attire, including but not limited to; denim jacket with the sleeves cut off and a white snake decal ironed on the back, a purple, lime green, and orange windsuit, or maybe a demin skirt and wife beater (but don't forget to tuck a pillow in to the wife beater so everyone knows that you're preggo, you don't know who the father is, and you need a goddamn draaaank).

Of course, don't hold back on the mullet...because nothing says "I keep it formal, but I'm here to party" like a finely trimmed Missouri Mudflap. A special prize goes to anyone who actually cuts their hair into a real mullet. And by "special prize" I mean merciless ridicule.

So, come one, come all! Because, let's get real, *Cousin* is turning 40 and we need as many people possible to help carry her back to her apartment in a wheelbarrow....

(PS: Someone bring a wheelbarrow)

The email above and an email entitled “Your grandpa sitting on his front porch naked” are the two reasons I logged back into Facebook. Come on, don’t judge me…you know you are curious about this email too. But don’t ask me for details. I’m trying to forget what I saw. Let’s just say there is an image burned on my corneas for life that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Enough said!

So, if you’re lucky and a White Trash Fabulous kind of guy that can pull off a mullet and wife beater send me your number and I will take you as my date to my cousin’s birthday party. Don’t be shy, you know you want to break out your white trash attire! It’s ok to admit it…I won’t tell anyone.

He's just not that into you when

He's just not that into you when...

He doesn’t plan in advance, he cancels dates more that he keeps dates, he wants to wait until the two of you have more than 3 hours to spend together, he takes longer than 36 hours to respond to a simple text message, the majority of the time spent together is between the hours of sun down and sun up, he only wants to spend time together on his terms, he is not making an effort to see you, he says things like “I’m no good at relationships”, he only contacts you every few days or so, he initiates with phrases like, “we need to get together soon” but then never follows through, he doesn’t want regular consistent contact with you…and so on and so on.

My question is this...

If it doesn’t take a genius to figure this out…then why do I feel like such an idiot?

A tall drink of water

So this week, I started my new job.

I love my new job!

It’s everything that my old job wasn’t.

In fact, for the first time in 40 years I actually enjoy going to work.

The only bad thing is that I have been so busy that I haven’t really found the time to update my blog. I was exhausted by the time I got home each night. So exhausted that I didn’t feel like doing anything on the social front…no girls night outs, no dates, and no hanging with friends. This, in turn, means no fresh blog material.

And for that, I’m sorry!

Well, I guess I shouldn’t say I have no fresh blog material, because I do have a few articles in my mind that I need to write. Articles like, why Mother’s Day brings out the Ex’s, or, How to tell when I’m just not that into you, or even, What does a girl have to do to spend time with you? Yep, those articles are all in my head, just not on paper yet.

So until I get the energy to put one or all of those ideas on paper, I leave you with this tall drink of water.

You're welcome!

How an 8 year old finally made me feel cool again

Well, here we are! It’s Monday morning and I survived yet another Mother’s Day without my kids and without my mom. If I were being honest with you, I would tell you that I had a pretty good day. But I don’t want to be honest about it, because being honest would make me sound like a bad mom, yet again.

You see, I actually enjoyed the first part of my day without my kids and in the company of other kids.

Shhhh….don’t tell my kids that I spent the day with ten 8 year old little girls, a couple of 12 year olds and my dear friend Jane.

And it was great!

But most importantly, many lessons were learned about the differences between girl and boy birthday parties…here are a few.

Girl birthday parties consist of quiet, the occasional giggle and please and thank yous, whereas boy birthday parties consist of running, yelling, and lots of sweat.

Girl birthday parties consist of manners, sweetness, and sharing, whereas boy birthday parties consist of running, yelling and lots of sweat.

Girl birthday parties consist of order, pleasentries, and excitement, whereas boy birthday parties consist of running, yelling and lots of sweat.

Girl birthday parties consist of fruit, milk and cupcakes, whereas boy birthday parties consist of running, yelling and lots of sweat.

Girl birthday parties consist of sugar and spice and everything nice, whereas boy birthday parties consist of running, yelling and lots of sweat.

And last but not least, girl birthday parties consist of pony tails, pretty dresses, and cute tights, whereas boy birthday parties consist of crazy hair, mismatched clothes, dirt, and, oh yeah, running, yelling and lots of sweat.

Unlike moms of girls, I am used to the crazy hair, mismatched clothes, dirt, yelling, running and sweat. So you can imagine my intimidation when trying to buy the perfect gift for one of the sweetest little girls I know. I stressed out about it while I was at the store, while driving to the party, and even during cake and ice cream. I was nervous when it came time for gifts. I just didn’t want to feel like the crazy lady that doesn’t have any clue what to buy little girls, even though I once was a little girl

So you can imagine my relief when the birthday girl’s eyes lit up when she opened my gift. But nothing beats the reaction of another little girl in the room when she said, “wow, you are definitely invited to my birthday party!”

And because this blog is all about me, the first thing that came to my mind after it was all over is…

“Finally! I’m a cool girl again!”

And it only took an 8 year old birthday party for me to fit back into the clique that I always wanted to be in growing up.

Pathetic, right?

Pathetic or not, I don’t care…I’m takin what I can get!

Mother's Day can suck it

Since I’ve been a mom, Mother’s Day has never been a favorite holiday of mine. But since I’ve been divorced Mother’s Day has become my least favorite holiday of the year.

Why. you might ask?

Mother’s Day always falls on a Sunday.

Sunday’s are days that my kids always spend with their dad.

My mom passed away 11 years ago, so that in itself makes Mother’s Day difficult.

My dad will be in Florida visiting his brother.

My twin brother will be in Washington DC chaperoning a field trip.

My older brother lives in TN.

My friends are either spending the day with their kids or their moms.

So, you see, I got nothing on Mother’s Day!

My kids, friends and mom are all unavailable.

Thank God I still have a very unorganized closet calling my name.

Verbal vomitting

Some days I’m a good mom, some days I’m a great mom, most days, however, I would say I’m an average mom.

Yesterday, on the other hand, I was the worst mom imaginable to a 10 year old boy.

Hello, my name is Julie and I am a horrible mom!

There, I said it and I feel much better. Hamilton, my 10 year old, doesn’t feel much better about it, but I do, and that’s all that matters, right?

Wrong!

Last night, I did the unthinkable when I took Hamilton to basketball practice. Yep, I did. I stopped and talked to the coaches before I left to let them practice.

I don’t know what came over me.

They were chatting when I walked by.

They seemed so inviting.

So I stopped to chat.

They are great guys.

It’s not like I had never done it in the past.

So when I casually mentioned that it was getting harder and harder to motivate Hamilton to go to practice in the evenings, and they agreed when it came to their boys, I didn’t think much of it. We laughed about it and commented how it was a long season and all the boys were probably ready for a break this summer.

It never occurred to me that Hamilton would come home from practice in tears, humiliated and more mad at me than he had ever been before.

Turns out the coach lectured the team about respect and asked the boys to raise their hands if they felt the same as Hamilton about not wanting to come to practice anymore.

No one raised their hand…of course they didn’t. They aren’t stupid! If they would have raised their hands, they would have probably had to run laps.

Which would have suited Hamilton better than being called out in practice for a comment that his mom had made to the coaches.

I felt horrible when he confronted me last night! I never dreamed that comment would have caused the rucus it did in practice.

I couldn’t sleep last night…at all! Maybe that is my punishment for being such a horrible mom.

Or, maybe my punishment is this brief conversation that we had on the way to school this morning.

Hamilton: Mom, I need to tell you something, but you have to promise not to get mad.

Me: OK (uh oh, here we go…)

Hamilton: You’re head looks big from the side.

And that my friends, is how a 10 year old repays his mom for opening her mouth and inserting her foot all at the same time!

Lessons learned last week

If you don’t ask for what you want you will spend your life wondering why everyone else gets what they want.

I don’t care what anyone says, it’s my path and I’m going to follow it at my own pace.

Leave a party just a little after it’s peaked…trust me, you will thank me one day for this advice.

Do not compare yourself to others, you never know what they have been through to be who they are or where they are.

Hallmark cards with music are great until your 7 year old gets a hold of it and takes it to the bathroom with him…at 2am…good times!

When you need help, ask for it. People can’t read minds!

Trust your gut; but more importantly, you have to learn to tell the difference between your gut feeling, hormones and wishful thinking. This is tough for a single woman in her 40’s.

Men are from earth! Women are from earth! It’s a fact, get over it!

The more I learn, the dumber I feel.

Getting back up after you fall down is the most important aspect of failing.

It doesn’t matter how often I vacuum my house, I will forever be sweeping up pine needles from the Christmas tree.

Opening the new window after you have shut a door to your life can be scary and exciting all at the same time.

If you want to be considered the best mom in the world, surprise your kids with a trip to the toy store out of the blue. If you want to be considered the worst mom in the world, walk out without buying anything because you didn’t think their behavior while in said toy store was worth a purchase.

Vodka logic

There are many flaws about me to which I could call your attention to. But, quite frankly, I did not sleep much last night because I was addicted to the ongoing coverage of the death of Osama Bin Laden, so I’m tired and choosing not to beat myself down on a Monday morning!

Yeah, I love myself that much.

Now with that said, it’s already May 2nd. I cannot believe that this year is already almost ½ way over. It seems like the older I get the more time flies. And with every significant change of the calendar, ie: each new month, I consider myself born anew. Because if I don’t , I end up being too hard on myself when I don’t reach my goals that I made the year before.

On the first day of the year, I signed a personal oath to myself about finishing my book, strengthening my relationships, finding the perfect job and doing everything right for a change. In typical fashion, I would then spend the next 364 days holding my breath and waiting for these goals to magically finish on their own. This is where my unhealthy attachment to “right” comes into play. The right project, the right man, the perfect job…the pressure to not make a mistake or waste my time or be anyone’s fool, quite frankly, stresses me out.

The months tend to flounder. I spend my days waiting, holding out for a sign or a winning lottery ticket, only to become more and more frustrated. You see, I’m never sure what’s right and I’m so afraid to be wrong. I should ask questions, but I would rather wait until an answer falls in my lap. It’s easier that way.

Yeah, that’s usually how I do it.

But not this year. Not in 2011.

This year, I am giving myself permission to be wrong and fail on occasion.
From here on out, I am going to focus on the wrong projects. From here on out, I want to follow the wrong leads. From here on out, I want to let my book sit and stew. From here on out, I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and focusing on the things that make me uncomfortable, things I don’t really need to know but want to try.

I declare 2011 my throw away year!

This is my year for learning, growing and not being a fool when it comes to relationships in my life.

This is my year for effing up, letting in, breathing out, and moving on.

This year I don’t need or want answers.

This year, I’m giving myself permission to have fun and not be so consumed with the outcomes.

This year, I’m gonna “do it my way” ala Mr. Frank Sinatra.

Now…let’s get moving…I only have 8 months to eff it all up and start anew on January 1, 2012.