I want that

So I managed to survive my 40th birthday with grace and maturity all while keeping my dignity in check. I know some of you are surprised by that, but that’s what happens when one turns 40…it’s called personal growth people! I had a great week long celebration with family and lots of friends. Heck, I might even be so bold as to wish that 40th birthdays could happen every year…yep, it was that good.

But…

Oh come on, nothing is that good…you had to know there was a “but” coming somewhere along the way.

As much as I was looking forward to turning 40, there is still one thing that I really hate about it.

No, it’s not the fact that I woke up to this on Saturday morning…



…nothing like the smell of fire to make you sit up straight in your bed bright and early on a Saturday morning.

And no it’s not the fact that I think I got food poisoning during my birthday celebration with Hot Fireman on Friday night. (Sorry Hot Fireman, if you're reading this, I promise to make it up to you soon. And we both know soon in our schedules is within the next six weeks or your birthday, whichever comes first.)

And it’s definitely not that I haven’t accomplished any of the goals I set for myself to accomplish before I turned 4o.

Nope, it’s none of those…

The fact is the worst part about turning 40 is that those around you are also getting older too. And by “those around you” I mean my dad in particular.

I hate the fact that he is getting older.

In fact, I just got back from taking him home from the hospital. He was admitted into the ER after his cardiac rehab appointment.

It sucks to walk into a hospital and see the man you have looked up to your entire life laying there helpless and scared not knowing what is wrong with him.

It sucks to walk into a hospital and see the man you have looked up to your entire life and you know you can’t do anything to help him.

It sucks to walk into a hospital and see the man you have looked up to your entire life and you know that what he wants deep down inside is to be in heaven with his wife whom he loved dearly and lost 11 ½ years ago.

It just plain sucks!

But, what I realized when I was sitting there with him is that I want what he had with my mom! They were married for 35 years before she passed away.

They truly loved each other. Sure, they bickered and took each other for granted at times, but there was never any question as to their love for each other. I want that.

They never put on an act, they were always themselves when they were around each other. There was no judging…each was accepted by the other, no matter what. I want that.

They taught me and my brothers what love is and what it means to love, especially in the end when my mom was very sick and my dad was by her side 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I want that.

They brought out the best in each other. I want that.

They talked about everything and knew that listening wasn’t just about waiting for your turn to talk. I want that.

They always knew that no matter what tomorrow may bring, today their lives were more complete because they had each other, no matter what, through thick and thin. I want that.

Growing up. my parents quickly became the role models for the relationships I had in my life. The message of how they treated one another was deeply imbedded in my psyche. And I want my kids to have that same feeling about me someday.

Maybe they will…maybe they won’t, but let’s suffice it to say, I want that too!

Something happened on the way to turning 40

In my 39 years, 362 days here on this earth I have learned ALOT, some good things, some bad things and some ugly things...but, no matter what, they were all worthy lessons. Some of these lessons I wish I would have learned at different times so that I could have either enjoyed them longer, or been hurt by them less. But we can't always control what we learn and when we learn it, all we can do is change ourselves based on the experiences we have.

So consider yourselves lucky blog fans...I'm sharing with you today, my most prized list to date...I like to call it 39 lessons in 39 years.

1. When people show you the kind of person they are the first time, BELIEVE them!

2. You are so smart, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

3. Credit cards are the work of the devil.

4. If you are going to be a slut, please be discreet about it.

5. Don't be afraid to venture out alone.

6. Don't ever let your eyes play tricks on you.

7. Live your dream and wear your passion.

8. Don't dwell on past relationships, men are like busses, another one comes around every 15 minutes.

9. A half truth is a whole lie.

10. The key to happiness is realizing and experiencing your dreams instead of just dreaming them.

11. Teachers are noble.

12. Read. read. read. Write. write. write.

13. Never say what another person will or won't do.

14. Trust your gut!

15. Nothing beats a good cocktail!

16. Cherish your loved ones.

17. This is your life...do what YOU love!

18. If someone isn't there for you anymore you have to let him/her go no matter how difficult that may be.

19. Now is the time to enjoy the great life that you have.

20. Do not allow others to make you feel like less of a person, no matter what their reason is.

21. Stop fighting yourself.

22. You are good enough!

23. Sometimes your mom does know best.

24. Always be yourself...do NOT pretend for anyone.

25. No one needs to know everything about you.

26. Keep your friends close and forget about your enemies.

27. Nothing, and I mean nothing is better than good sex.

28. Use what you have to get what you want.

29. If you don't like something, don't bitch about it, change it.

30. All emotions are beautiful.

31. Open your mind, arms and heart to new things.

32. If someone wants to be a part of your life, they will make an effort to be in it.

33. You always know what you have, you just don't ever think you will lose it.

34. When things in your life don't add up, then maybe it is time to start subtracting.

35. The good thing about life is that there is always another chapter.

36. Love yourself first!

37. Hold onto yourself tight because sometimes life hurts like hell.

38. Remember, you are beautiful, no matter what anyone else tells you.

39. Don't be afraid to get lost, because it will only help you find yourself.

40 may be the new 30 but someone forgot to tell my ass

I used to think the number in my bank account was the only thing going down. That is until I really started thinking about my impending 40th birthday this Saturday. Apparently forty is the new thirty, fifty is the new 40, twenty-one is the new eighteen…whew, I feel my hormones sky rocketing to adolescent levels even as I type.

This new math, created by those Hollywood/celebrity types that can’t come to terms with getting older, doesn’t, however, just stop at age. It is apparent in clothing, size 10 is now the new size eight…shopping, what used to cost $50 is now 50% off of $100. Almost everything that has a numeric value associated with it has gone down over the years, except for, of course, gas prices which have gone up quicker than Pee Wee Herman at a porno flick, and the optimum size of a woman as portrayed on TV, in movies and magazines. Because we all know that size six is the new size twelve, and that makes me feel fat.

So what, you may ask, does that have to do with today’s post? Wwll today’s post is about me coming to terms with turning 40. Like I have said in past posts, I’m ok with it. I’m not where I thought I would be when I turned 40, but I am actively making changes in my life to be there, SOON! I’m not bitching, moaning or complaining about turning 40, in fact, I’m kind of looking forward to it.

I came to terms with my age a long time ago. It’s inevitable, so I might as well age gracefully, right? And in order to age gracefully, I had to come to terms with a few things that I just have to understand are out of my control. Well maybe not totally out of my control, but things, that I have come to realize are going to happen and I just have to stick around and enjoy the ride.

Things like...

I exercise more, eat less, weigh more, and care about it less!

I don’t lean over and pick something up unless it’s really important. I find myself constantly calculating “risk vs. reward”…you know like bending down to pick up a newspaper? Nope, my kids can get it for me. A $20 bill? Yep. My kids are quick, they would pick it up and then run with it. I'm no dummy!

My bills, weight and number of Facebook friends are all higher than they were a few years ago.

My tolerance for teenagers…way lower! Not that I have them, but I work with them everyday.

I now get up at least twice a night to pee. When I hit 30 it was once a night…heck at this rate, I might just be sleeping on the toilet when I hit 60.

My car insurance just tripled, not because I have added a teenager, but because I don’t pay attention when I drive…I can’t help it, my mind wanders.

I don’t want to go to my annual physical anymore, because my doctor warned me that the poking and prodding becomes even more intrusive at 40…and then jokingly he snapped on a pair of rubber gloves. Yeah, not funny!

Whenever I get a new electronic device, ie: cell phone, ipod, xbox, I just give it to my kids to set it up for me… I gave up on that stuff years ago.

I eat cereal all of the time…this may be no big deal, but I don’t eat cereal unless it has the word “fiber” in it.

And last but not least…two words for you…LARGE PRINT!

To ink or not to ink...Part II

So yesterday, I went to a local tattoo salon with every intention of getting my first tattoo to help ring in my 40th birthday.

But, I chickened out.

Why did I chicken out, you might ask?

Well…I was telling the Hot Fireman that I was going to go and his reaction kind of freaked me out. He’s a tattoo kind of guy, so me getting one is not an issue for him, but when I told him where I was going to get my tattoo (on the back of my neck), he said he had “no comment”.

This kind of freaked me out, and made me start thinking…

Is the back of the neck not a good place for a tattoo? Is it overly painful? Is it like the earring fad of the late 80’s…tattoo on the ankle means your straight, tattoo on the back of the neck means you’re a gay? Do only losers get tattoos on the back of their necks? Do I really want to ink? Am I wanting a tattoo for the right reasons?

You know questions like that.

So I walked out of the salon without going through with it. I decided to give myself another week to think about it.

And thank God I did!

You see, I just saw that Charlie Sheen’s goddesses are “branding themselves” in honor of their love for Mr. Tiger Blood.

And this is what they are doing…



Clearly this has made my decision so much easier. I have already emailed Mr. Tiger Blood’s people to see if I can get a copy of his signature for my tattoo next week.

Duh...winning!

Look out 40…here I come!

Pay it forward

So you all know I am going to be 40 in 8 days…8 DAYS people!

Like most people, I had goals that I wanted to reach by the time I was 40. But that’s my problem, I only had goals, I didn’t have a game plan to help get me to those goals. Now I’m frustrated and soon to be 40…that’s not a good combination, in my book.

In order to help me accomplish my goals...while I’m still living, I treated myself to a 30 day program of reflection, growth, and goal setting. Today is day 4, and so far, so good. I’m loving the program. Right now we are just in the reflection period and it’s eye opening. I’m looking back at my life and picking it apart, and that’s hard…it’s owning up to a lot of mistakes I’ve made in the past.

But that’s how we learn, right?

Anyway, part of the program is about getting out, meeting new people and creating positive relationships in our lives. So this morning, I had coffee with a guy that my friend has been dying to fix me up with. I wasn’t really excited about going, because I don’t really like blind dates. Not that this was a blind date, but I had never talked to or seen the guy, so, yeah…it was a blind “meeting”. And of course it was an epic FAIL! I will not be seeing him again! You see, I have this thing about meeting guys for coffee. If they get there before me and order their own coffee without waiting for me, I won’t ever give them a second chance. And that is exactly what happened today. He showed up early, bought his own coffee and was already sitting at a table when I got there.

But the worst part was that I had to wait in line for 10 minutes before I actually got my coffee and you know what he did? Yep, you guessed it…he sat at the table and waited for me to get my coffee. It was 10 minutes, you would think he could come and wait in line with me and get the conversation going. Maybe I expect too much from people, who knows.

Oh well, that’s not really the point of my post today.

Here's my point...

While I was waiting in line, I was thinking about my ex-mother-in-law. You see, whenever she goes to Starbucks, she always buys coffee for the person behind her line. I think it’s fabulous! So I thought I would give it a try today.

I get to the cash register, place my order, and when the cashier asks if there is anything else she can get me, I point to the guy behind me and say “yes, whatever he wants too.” He looked at me shocked! He immediately said “no, no, I can’t let you do that”, but I insisted. We argued back and forth for what seemed like forever, but in reality it was only about 30 seconds.

He finally gave in and gave the cashier his order: (3) Carmel Macchiato’s, (2) white chocolate mocha’s, and (2) venti house blends later, and I was forking out $27…plus a tip.

Doh!

Pay it forward never felt so…broke!

Closure smosure...

Recently I’ve been spending some quality time with my therapist. I swear I’m going to give him up one day, but for some reason I just can’t quit him. Maybe it’s because he is one of the only men in my life that I think truly listens to me and genuinely cares about what happens to me. This is definitely the only relationship in my life that is all about me…and I like it. Of course, I have to fork out tons of money every month to have this kind of relationship with a man, but trust me…it’s worth every penny.

I swear it’s because of him (and of course the money that I pay him) that has helped me move on so quickly from my relationship with Mr. Perfect for Me. I have realized over the past month or so many things about myself that I didn’t like when I was in that relationship (more on that later).

But, on the plus side, I have also found out some things that I really liked about myself. Most importantly is the fact that I realized that I don’t need closure at the end of a relationship to move on and be happy. Because for me, closure was becoming more about him than it was me.

Let me explain.

In my relationship with Mr. Perfect for me, I was adamant about getting closure, and like most men, he wasn’t fond of the idea. Even though I was the one that put the final nix on the relationship, I still felt like I needed closure. I felt deep down that I wouldn’t be able to move on unless I knew exactly where things went wrong.
But here is what I realized.

I realized I was sabotaging myself for wanting closure so badly, when truth be told, I just didn’t want to free myself from thoughts and emotions regarding Mr. Perfect for Me. I said I didn’t want to think about him anymore, yet my mind always drifted in that direction.

My “need to know” thoughts seemed to overpower my ability to move on. You know, the questions that hamper us all during a fresh break up. What is he doing right now? Is he hurting? Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he want to reunite with me? Is he happy that it is over? Is he already moving on? Is he sleeping with someone else? Does he care about them like he cared about me? How can he act like this isn’t affecting him? Did he really love me?

What I realized is that the answer to those questions would have made absolutely no difference in my life. I wasn’t willing to wait around for Mr. Perfect for Me to decide if he was going to stick with me or move in another direction and work on rekindling his relationship with his control freak, selfish, type A ex wife who treated him and his kids like crap for years. It didn’t take me long to realize that these questions I was asking myself were all about him, and not ME! The answers to those questions would not have given me closure, they would have only led to more questions.

I also realized that I have a wonderful imagination and I am curious by nature. Which only led to me fantasize about what was going on with him. I would imagine telling him all of the things I didn’t like about him and that he didn’t deserve to be with me anyway. I would imagine him crying when he said how sorry he was(that actually happened). I would go over and over our conversations in my mind just in case I ever see him or talk to him again, I want to be prepared with what I would say. I started picturing him miserable and suffering. The problem is I realized I was living in my imagination rather than accepting my reality and dealing with it.

So, instead of focusing on the shiny happy times, or the things I will miss about Mr. Perfect for me, I started focusing on the bad side of the relationship, and reasons why it didn’t work out and how the signs were probably there from the beginning. I think about the way he handled things in the end and how much he disappointed me. I think about his selfishness and insecurities and I thank God that our relationship stopped when it did. He was not the man for me, and I realize that now.

I’m just glad that I realized it sooner rather than later!

Technology, a blessing and a curse

Back in the day before I married the Ex dating was so much easier. We pretty much relied on our friends and co-workers to set us up on dates. Now, however, with cell phones and the Internet we never ever have to worry about our friends setting us up on dates again. We now have the ability to take control of our own dating lives.

But that too can be a curse.

Let me explain…

Take cell phones for example. I often wonder what we ever did without them. How did I ever occupy my time while sitting at a stop light before I had a cell phone? With the cell phone, I never have to worry about being out of touch with anyone. But, on the other hand, I can never really just disconnect from the world either. I tried deactivating my FaceBook account recently for a week and felt like I was missing out on something special, so I reactivated it, only to realize I wasn’t missing out on anything.

The one thing I hate about technology is that it gives us the ability to know way too much about each other, and this can be detrimental early on when you are just starting to date someone.

Back in the day, before the Internet and online dating profiles, dating was easy. Here is how the beginning of a relationship might look…

1. You would meet a cute guy at work, or the gym, or the bar. He would ask for your number.

2. He would call you and ask you out on a date.

3. You would go on said date and have a fabulous time.

4. He would call you a day or two later to tell you that he had a wonderful time and ask you out again.

5. You would think, “Wow this guy really likes me,” and be excited at the prospect that he might be boyfriend material.

But NOW, because of technology, things are a little different. Here is how an almost identical scenario could play out thanks to all of the technology we now have at our fingertips.

1. You meet a cute guy at work, or the gym, or the bar. He asks for your number.

2. You immediately Google him, check his Facebook account, and see if he is a Twitterer. If his pictures are good and the stuff he posts is smart and funny, you anxiously await his call.

3. He calls you or texts you and asks you out on a date.

4. You go on the date and have a fabulous evening.

5. He calls you a day or two later, you of course let it go to voice mail. His message says he had a wonderful time and would like to take you out the next Friday. You text him back, “wld luv 2 c u fri.”

6. You find yourself falling for him and hoping that he is not seeing other women. To ensure that he is not, you then begin the process of stalking him online to see what his profile status is and what the girls look like who are posting comments on his profile.

7. If you don’t like the looks of his online behavior, you get threatened, frustrated and/or angry and write him off before he has a chance to hurt you.

And it ends as quickly as it begins.

I have two dates in the next two weeks, one with a new guy that I am not that excited about and one with someone I have dated in the past which I am really excited about. I pledge to not google either, and see what happens. You know, pretend it’s twenty years ago when the Internet didn’t exist. I guess that means that I need to also break out my swatch watches and K-Swiss tennis shoes for my dates.