Whoa...pump the brakes negative Nancy

I know I have mentioned this in some of my past posts, but I have to talk about this issue one last time. My issue...I hate the word hate. The descriptive nature of this word is very strong. I try not to use it but sometimes it just slips out. In fact, I have become so aware of how much I use this word that I am going to start (after this post today) being better about not using it so much. But in order to do this I need an outlet to get the word out of my system. So, one last time, I am going to focus on this ugly word and then move on and never use it again! Ok...I can't promise I won't say it again or not talk about these things anymore, but I will try! So here goes, the top 25 things I hate:

25. I hate it when people turn on their cell phones as soon as their airplane touches down at the airport. Seriously, I wonder how we ever left an airplane without checking our messages first.

24. I hate being called to speak in front of a group of people without being warned in advance. The whole "imagine the people in their underwear" theory...yeah, it doesn't work for me.

23. I hate people who talk shit about other people, and then suddenly become sensitive when someone talks shit about them.

22. I hate girls who ditch their girlfriends once they have a boyfriend.

21. I hate being bombarded with pictures of Suri Cruise in the media. Seriously people, I don't care that you think she is the cutest dressed celebrity child...I have seen cuter!

20. I hate girls who snag guys (crushes in particular)from me, right out from under my nose even though they are completely aware of my feelings towards said crush.

19. I hate Disney's recent version of A Christmas Carol with Jim Carey...what were they thinking? It was not one of their best!

18. I hate John Mayer. As a singer, he is ok, but as a sex symbol? Come on people...that makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little!

17. I hate people who think they know it all and try to tell me I am wrong just because I don't agree with something they said.

16. I hate people who perpetuate gossip because I don't like gossip.

15. I hate...no wait, I like...ok, I hate...on a good day I like...no, I definitely hate...ok, if I were being honest, I like that I am sometimes not strong enough when it comes to my ex.

14. I hate people that don't stick up for their friends.

13. I hate "yes men"!

12. I hate working on Saturday's. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I hate it!

11. I hate being lied to because it is a subtle reminder that I wasn't worth the truth.

10. I hate when people beg you for your friendship and then once they get it, they forget about you.

9. I hate immature boys!

8. I hate hypocrites! But more than that, I hate when I catch myself being a hypocrite!

7. I hate Parks and Recreation...I love a lot of the character actors in it, but hate the show...it's just not funny!

6. I hate that my crush got married a couple of weekends ago.

5. I hate people who post shirtless pictures of themselves online.

4. I hate people who have "done everything" that you have done only they have done it better than you.

3. I hate when people don't respond to a text message within a decent amount of time...come on people...it's almost 2010...

2. I hate being judged by those in my church.

1. I hate top 25 lists!

My dreams are always one cloud away from where I am standing

Have you ever thought about your circumstances? I mean really thought about them? I have! In fact, I think about mine all of the time. And I think about them mostly in a way of how they will affect my future. Where will I be in ten years? Who will I be? What will I have? Who will I love? If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that ten years is a lifetime. Anything can happen. Some days I can’t even tell you what I need to accomplish in a day, let alone in the next ten years. But I’m going to try!

In ten years I will have an eighteen year old and a sixteen year old, both boys. I’m assuming they will hate me like most teenagers who hate their parents. I’m sure that I will be a totally uncool mom. But they will have to be nice to me because I will be the one with the car, the car keys and the money. I will be the keeper of all that is good and necessary in high school! I hope to be living in the house where my kids and all of their friends like to hang out. This, of course, would mean that I will need to have a stocked pantry and refrigerator, a killer big screen TV and all of the coolest hippest video games imaginable to man. And in order to have these things for my children, it means that I would have to have an amazing job that pays me a shitload of money.

Getting beyond the “stuff”…I hope that my boys and I will be able to have open dialogues about any and all topics. Girls, friends, feelings, who they are going to marry, letting them know that it’s ok if they don’t want to get married, their dad, school, their future, etc.

I’ll be almost fifty by then. Of course, by that time fifty will be the new thirty which would mean that I would be younger in ten years than I actually am now…crazy, huh? By that time, I hope to have a lot of years under my belt at my current job. Maybe do some more ladder climbing, have more recognition, and more appreciation from others for the job I am doing. Or maybe I will even have a combination of jobs that allow me more time with Ham and Gib and more time to persue my own ideas of the title I want after my name. A man? The idea of this now, I struggle with. I want to maintain my independence and I have no idea how to do that within the confines of a relationship anymore. But in contradiction, I also want someone in my life that could take care of me too…odd, isn’t it? It’s almost like I want my cake and I want to eat it too. Fiercely independent streak…be gone!

In ten years time? I want a strong mental state as well as physical. A good therapist. Great sex. A medication combination that works. A support system and a plan in place. No body/self-esteem issues. I want to be in a healthy relationship that will be an example to my kids. Bottom line…whether I have grand plans or not, the next ten years are going to happen. I can only hope that life will be kind to me. And in exchange, I will be kind to me and I will be kind to life too!

Peanut butter, it's what fills the cracks of the heart

Things that make me smile:

Having a bed to call my own in a house of my own, the space to share my thoughts and feelings and not be criticized, a text message out of the blue from someone that I would never expect, hearing someone snoring in the middle of the night, receiving a valentine from someone that I though forgot about me, seeing a news story that brings me to tears of joy, a vodka and soda with a splash of tonic and extra lime, a freshly made bed, cherry pie, being awakened every morning by the warm breath of my boys, the feel of a brand new pair of jeans, my awesome friends, God, someone who remembers that I don't like mushrooms, the Internet, the option of going into work late, a good blog post, an apology, Thursday night television, the first lick of a tootsie pop, finding love letters from my ex's, Ryan Reynolds, cars with airbags that work, a warm shower on a cold morning, community, Chris Cornell in concert, the first beautiful day of Spring, the first beautiful day of Fall, when my ex tells me that my butt looks good in my jeans, sledding in the winter with my kids, dinner with my girlfriends, a good movie, a Sunday with no plans, getting my child support check, beautiful scarves, motorcycle boots, coming home to a clean house, hearing my kids teachers talk about how awesome my kids are, watching my kids play sports, a new car, Popsicles, live music, hearing my kids giggle, freshly cut grass, a new camera, happy accidents, swinging high on a swing set, thunderstorms, a hammock on a beautiful day, when my friends laugh at my jokes, New Years Eve countdown, waking up early in the morning and realizing you can lay in bed for a little while longer, falling asleep next to somebody, being barefoot in green grass, artwork created by my kids, bonfires on a cool night, a healthy home cooked meal, sudden inspiration to write something, people watching, driving with the sunroof open and the air conditioning on, sleeping with the windows open on a cool night, bubble wrap, sleeping under the stars, reading my friends blogs...and on and on and on...

Life is good!

Last week can suck it, just like the Easter bunny

Wow! Can I just say that last week was a doozey! Not only was it the first week of two of the busiest weeks of the year for me at work, but last week was also a huge reminder of how precious life really is.

Tuesday was the day of all days. I was going to a meeting before work and totaled my car in an automobile accident that was 100% my fault. I was not only thankful that I was the only one of the three people involved that came out with any injuries, a broken toe and a couple of bruised ribs, but I was even more thankful that the woman I hit didn’t have any of her four children in the car. As I was resting on Tuesday afternoon all I could think about was how precious life is. But my car accident wasn’t the only thing that made me think about the value of life. I had also been thinking a lot about my friend Julie who died in a car accident one year ago to the day of my accident.

Julie was an amazing woman! She was married to Jeff, who was my ex-husbands room mate in college. Julie was one of those women who didn’t have to try very hard to make friends. She was cute, bubbly, had strong opinions and was loved by many. People always wanted to be in her presence. In fact, I remember the first time I met Julie. My ex husband and I were at a party at Jeff and Julie’s house right before they got engaged. I remember her coming over to me and immediately making me feel very welcome. She went out of her way all night long to make me feel like one of the group. I can’t tell you how much I loved her for this. I am an extrovert but some of the time I feel like people just aren’t interested in what I have to say, but I NEVER felt this way about Julie.

She was an amazing wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend. She adored her family and loved life more than anyone I had ever known. Unfortunately, when my ex and I got divorced, he got Jeff and Julie…you know how that goes. But with that said, they were the type of people that would give me the shirt off their backs all these years later.

Thinking about Julie this week has definitely made me think a little bit more about my life and the choices I have made in my past. Thinking about Julie makes me want to hug my kids one more time before I leave in the mornings. Thinking about Julie makes me appreciate the beautiful life I have. But most importantly, thinking about Julie makes me look back at the friendships and love that I have in my life. Even though Julie and I weren’t close toward the end of her life, I still think about her everyday and the influences she had on me and my life…and that, my friends, is prescious!

Julie Trusty-Nawrot 1965-2008

It's not about being fair, it's about being awesome

It’s meme time! Yeah, meme time! My friend sent me this the other day and I thought it was kind of cute so I decided to share my ABC’s of me with you…because you know me…whenever I am feeling overwhelmed and cant seem to get a good blog post written I know I can always count on a good meme to brighten my spirits.

A Attached or Single? Single, but only because Ryan Reynolds is already taken

B Best Friend? I think a girl needs more than one best friend. I’m lucky to have two. The funny thing is, my two best friends have never met. Karen has been my best friend since 4th grade…almost 30 years. And Sheila is my best “single” friend. I met her a month or two after my ex-husband walked out on me. I would not have survived my divorce without her.

C Cake or Pie? Pie…hands down! There is nothing better than a warm piece of cherry pie.

D Day of the week? Definitely Saturday! It’s the only day of the week that I get to focus all of my attention and time on my kids.

E Essential Item? Garnier’s Sleek and Shine for my hair. It leaves my hair so soft and smelling good. I know that’s a weird essential but I gotsta have soft hair! That’s just the kind of girl I am.

F Favorite Color? Black- this shouldn’t surprise anyone! My friend recently told me that black was not a color…well my friend…if black isn’t a color then how are you reading the words on this page? Kind of makes you want to go hmmm, doesn’t it?

G Gummy Bears or Worms? Definitely bears! Does it make me sick if I say I like to bite the heads off of the bears and maybe even pretend that each one is an ex?

H Hometown? I was born in Appleton, Wisconsin but moved to Indianapolis when I was 2 years old…so I definitely consider myself a Hoosier at heart! GO COLTS!

I Indulgence? Gossip magazines! I buy 3 or 4 every single week. I can’t help it even though they all say the exact same thing. I mean, really…why do I care if Justin and Jessica are breaking up or if Brand and Angelia are having another baby? Gossip magazines are like train wrecks to me…I can’t not read them!

J January or July? Definitely July. I would much rather be hot than cold.

K Kids? (2) awesome boys, 8 and 6. On another note, I always get asked if I want more kids…”sure, but it’s not a deal breaker” is usually my response. Here’s how I break it down…if I met a wonderful man who wanted a child I would absolutely have another one as long as my age wasn’t a factor. However, if I met someone that didn’t want anymore kids, then I am good with that as well because I am completely, 100% head over heels in love with and fulfilled by my two boys.

L Life isn’t complete without? Passionate kisses.

M Marriage Date? Hmmm….I’m a little confused…is this question asking me what the date of my marriage was to my ex husband, my future marriage date, or the person I would bring to a friends wedding? I have no idea what it’s asking, but I guess it doesn’t really matter because I am not answering this stupid question.!

N Number of brothers and sisters? (2) brothers, one twin and one that is older. I adore both of them and they are very supportive of me at all times.

O Oranges or Apples? In theory you can’t compare the two, right? But if I had to pick…oranges

P Phobias? All of the basics, snakes, spiders, little creatures, etc. but my two biggest “fears” are growing old alone and dying without my kids really knowing who I am and what I am all about.

Q Quotes? “Dance as though no one is watching you, love as though you have never been hurt, sing as though no one can hear you, and live as though heaven is on earth.” –Souza

R Reasons to Smile? Hamilton and Gibson…that’s all I need!

S Season of Choice? I can’t just pick one…so I will pick two, Fall and Spring

T Teacher, favorite one growing up? Mr. Little, 4th grade, but only because he was my first crush…and oh, I recently saw a picture of a field trip that my class went on that year, I think it was the pumpkin patch…and yes I was wearing red heels…crazy what a fourth grader will do for her first crush.

U Unknown Fact About Me? Now come on people, if I shared it, it wouldn’t be unknown…nice try though!

V Vegetable? Asparagus, I just wish it didn’t make my pee smell so bad.

W Worst Habit? Writing the way my brain thinks instead of the way I was taught.

X X-Ray or Ultrasound? Definitely ultrasound…after all, who would rather see pictures of broken bones over beautiful babies?

Y Your Favorite Hollywood Star? Ryan Reynolds, of course…he is so beautiful that he makes me want to lick the screen when he is on.

Z Zodiac sign? Pisces- I don’t believe in signs, so I know nothing about what this means…therefore, I have no more information.

If “ifs” and “buts” were candy canes and nuts then every day would be Christmas Day

You know what I hate? I hate it when people contradict themselves. It drives me absolutely batty! But do you know what I hate even more than people who contradict themselves? I hate it even more when I contradict myself…and I do it all of the time! I mean it’s crazy how much I do it. I have somehow become a constant contradiction of myself.

Here are just a few examples of what I mean…

I love to compliment people, but struggle to accept compliments that people give me.

I love the feel of being close to someone I love, but I hate to spoon.

Winter is my least favorite time of the year, but I absolutely love wearing hats, scarves, and my cool motorcycle boots.

I could eat raw carrots and celery all day long, but I hate to eat them cooked.

I love the idea of buying a dog for my kids, but hate the idea of taking care of the dog.

Alcohol does not sit well with my stomach, but I absolutely refuse to give up drinking adult beverages.

I love taking care of other people, but I struggle when it comes time for people to take care of me.

I think it”s important to stand up for yourself and ask for what you want, however, most days I can’t seem to do this for myself.

I love reading but can’t seem to finish a book.

I love tootsie pops, but I am not a huge fan of sweets.

I love the way I feel after a good workout but hate working out.

I hate it when people break up and stay friends, but I fight everyday to be better friends with my ex-husband.

I hate changing the sheets on my bed, but love nothing more that slipping into a freshly made bed.

I love to hear my kids scream and giggle with joy, yet I hate taking them to the one place that evokes that reaction in them…the park.

I want nothing more than to be married to someone who loves me for me, but I hate, and I mean HATE, the process of dating!

You Rock, and I don’t mean R.O.C.K…I mean R.A.W.K

News Flash: The cougar is out and the puma is in! This, my friends, sucks for me because a puma is a woman in her late 20’s early 30’s who is looking for a younger guy. Apparently, the appeal is that she has the experience of a cougar, but is still within the age range of the men she is in to. Unfortunately for me
…and these lovely ladies from Saturday Night Live, we are washed up, old and have no business dating cougar cubs. Yep, this means pedi eggs, bump its, fake nails, and push up bras are no longer doing it for us. Hell, we may as well pack it up, put on our bath robes and hit the hay early on Saturday nights.

Now, you may be asking yourself, why is Julie bringing this subject up now? Well…I bring it up because I was reminded of my first cougar cub experience this weekend as I was cleaning out my car and came across a CD that said cougar cub had made for me.

My cougar cub, or Rock Star, as I’ll call him, is HOT! Tall and built with a rock hard body. He has hair to die for and his arms are FABULOUS! They were definitely the first thing I noticed about him when we reconnected. You see, I have known Rock Star for years…and for years I mean, since he was in junior high and I was about twenty. He is actually the son of a good friend of my ex-husbands. I hadn’t seen Rock Star since his High School graduation and never though about him again…until this time last year.

It was a rare girls night out with my married girlfriends. We were at a local bar listening to 80’s rock (my favorite genre, by the way) and hanging out with some cute guys when I felt a pair of eyes on me. When I turned around…there stood Rock Star staring at me. He quickly turned away when he saw that I was looking at him. He was standing there with a tall beautiful blonde girl who I was totally oblivious to all night. Rock Star and I kept playing the game of “look away” when any kind of eye contact was made between the two of us. Eventually I got up enough nerve, or liquid courage as I like to call it, to walk over and say Hi. Can I just say that I was totally taken aback by how much he had changed since his scrawny junior high days…He was all man! And his voice was so deep. We had a brief conversation, of which I remember nothing because I was so mesmerized by his hotness. When I returned to my group of friends I was suddenly wishing I was ten years younger. I sat down at the table, my girlfriends giggled like little school girls and before I knew it Rock Star was headed out the door and out of my life for another 20 years.

But low and behold, before I left the bar that night my blackberry beeped with a message from Rock Star from Facebook. He had been gone only about an hour and he was already stalking me on the internet…I was stoked! We exchanged emails for the next week or so. In one of the emails Rock Star admitted to me that he looked forward to my messages…I just have two words for you…EGO BOOST! During the course of our email exchanges Rock Star made the comment that he would be spending Thanksgiving by himself. And I hated that idea! So I did what any single, available cougar would do, I invited him over to spend Thanksgiving with my family fully expecting him to come up with a lame excuse as to why he wouldn’t be joining me. But much to my surprise, he accepted my offer immediately!

When he showed up at my Aunt’s house I was so excited…like a kid on Christmas morning. He was BEAUTIFUL! He loved my family and my family loved him. In fact, I think my 90 year old grandma called him a “nice boy”. I thought that was funny. After dinner he didn’t want the day to end so we decided to go someplace for a cocktail. I don’t know what we were thinking…it was Thanksgiving Day…nothing was open. We were desperate to find someplace to hang out. The problem: I knew if we had gone back to my place, I would have never been able to control myself. So we ended up sitting in my car in the parking lot of a restaurant for a couple more hours. We listened to a CD he had made for me and made out like high school kids on prom night. Ahhhhhh….the memories! When we finally pulled ourselves away from each other he kept telling me over and over again that this was the best Thanksgiving ever for him. I was loving it. Did I tell you that he was HOT?

Anyway, we ended up going out a few more times (I will not share any of those details…) until I found out, via Facebook, that he was engaged. I knew it was too good to be true! We tried to continue a “friendship” but it was always more like him sneaking around to hang out with me and I didn’t like that. So we eventually grew out of our friendship too.

We see each other every once in a while when we are out. In fact, I saw him a few weeks ago as I was leaving a club and hew was coming in. I knew that night, when he told me his fiancé wasn’t with him and asked me to stay, that he would never be the kind of person I could ever spend my life with.

I know this situation turned out for the best and it took me a little while to come to grips with the fact that I deserve better than him. And for what it is worth…I know my first cougar experience has made me a better person. It’s a reminder that I am a single mom…I don’t date…I’ve been to the circus…I’ve seen the show… I need more! I deserve more! But most importantly, it has taught me to stop dwelling on what I think I am missing out on and to start focusing on what I have that others are missing out on.