Friday, February 11, 2011

How to heal a broken heart, in He Who Laughs Last fashion

So those of you that know me, know this past week has been pretty difficult. Those of you that don’t know me, I guess I have to fill you in.

Turns out I wasn’t perfect enough for Mr. Perfect for Me. Yep, it’s true.

I know what you’re thinking…”he’s crazy for letting me go”.

I agree, but what is a girl to do? He broke my heart and I’m forced to move on.

It’s nothing a little Ambien, good friends, and a lot of alcohol won’t cure, right?

Without going into much detail, let’s just suffice it to say that there was another woman involved on a certain level and I wasn’t willing to wait around while he figured things out.

I was crushed, but I had no choice. Well I had a choice, just not a realistic one.

And as per usual…the situation has me thinking about a lot of stuff in my life, but one sticks out very clearly. In one of my many discussions with Mr. Perfect for Me, we were both struggling to get the other person to see the situation from each other’s perspective. I know I don’t understand the reasoning for him doing what he is currently doing and I definitely know that he will never see it or understand it from my perspective either. We got to the point where we were both banging our heads against the wall and making no progress whatsoever. The only thing we were doing was frustrating the hell out of each other.

Often times in these conversations, I wished there were a third party who understood both sides of the story and could somehow, miraculously help each of us see it from the other person’s perspective. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are therapists out there who would charge you an arm and a leg for months, but I was looking for something a little cheaper and quicker. You know me…I’m an “instant gratification girl”…I can’t help it!

So this is what I have decided…

I’m going to branch out a little and offer up my services to those who have been dumped or hurt in a relationship. Here is just a small sampling of the services I will offer to those who may need them. And for your convenience, I have broken them down by price point.

Email me here at my blog if you are interested in my services.

Under $25
• Stare lovingly into your eyes (5 minute service)

• Give you a hug and tell you that everything will be ok(2 minute service)

• Tell you over and over again how awesome I think you are (5 minute service)

• Call you on the phone and seem genuinely interested in you (10 minute service)

• Draw your ex’s face on a paper bag, wear it, and let you tell me your side of the story, uninterrupted (10 minute service)

Under $50
• Write a love letter and mail it to you (200 words or less)

• Call your voicemail and leave the message “you’re the best” on it…hey, don’t knock this one, it always makes me laugh when I do it to myself.

• Drink and dance until I throw up or you lose interest, whichever comes first…trust me, I’m fun when I have had a drink or two

• Be the intermediary in a 10 minute conference call between you and the idiot that dumped you.

• I will call your cute ex (not the one that just dumped you, but the one before him/her) and tell him/her that you still think he/she is hot.

• Go to your ex’s house and kick him in the balls (this service is for female or gay male clients only)

Under $75
• Break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend over drinks (of course the drinks are in addition to the $75 fee)

• Help you quit calling/texting your ex out of desperation (this will include a phone call at different times during the day from me, for an entire month yelling “STOP STALKING YOUR EX” at the top of my lungs into the phone.)

• I will come to your house for 1 hour and do my best to make you laugh, this will not, let me repeat myself, NOT include the removal of any items of clothing on my part.

• Email you a list of 100 things I like about you

• Deliver, one large pizza, one pint of ice cream, and a boquet of flowers on a day that you are feeling particularly blue, no questions asked (of course, the pizza, ice cream and flowers are an additional expense)

Under $100
• Organize a gathering of your closest friends to gather around, make you laugh and remind you of how awesome you are…we will name it the “He/She F**ked it up” Party.

• Give you a 10 minute PowerPoint presentation on how you deserve better than the boy/girl who dumped you.

• Rename your children…I just threw that in there for fun…my kids are Hamilton and Gibson, I think I am very capable of coming up with cool, creative, presidential names.

• Build you a car out of cardboard boxes and make “vroom vroom” noises while you wear it. I don’t really know how this would help you, but it would definitely make me laugh and quite possibly help me get over my break up.

$500 flat fee
• Treat you like a star by hiding in the bushes outside of your house every day for a month and snap your pictures annoyingly every time you come outside.

I personally guarantee any of these breakup services. And when I say “guarantee” I mean, guarantee to at least put a smile on your face.

Break-ups are never easy…but you have to find the funny side of them in order to survive, right? Ok, maybe not, but it’s what I tell myself everyday in order to get from sun up to sun down!

4 comments:

  1. I'm sorry things didn't work out. But on the upside....it inspired an AWESOME post! Love it!

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  2. Ok, I know that this is awful that your relationship ended but this post? Brilliant. I really needed a laugh.
    STill sucks though that Mr.Perfect didn't realize that you are Perfect in every single way.

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  3. Yep...I was just like Mr. Perfect for me and realized to late how awesome you are...big mistake on my part...huge! But I'm glad it's inspiring you to write again. Keep your chin up! I'm here if you need to talk.

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  4. Sorry this idiot didn't see the gem that you are!

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