Tuesday, June 30, 2009

After 29 a girls best light is candle or moon

My biggest fear after getting divorced was that I would never find anyone who loved me for me. I still haven’t found that person, but the future is not quite as scary or bleak anymore. Looking back on my marriage now, I sometimes felt I was being judged by my ex. I felt like he could not handle the reality of who I had become. I went from being a wife to being a mother right before our eyes. The worst part was that I wasn’t even aware of it until we had separated. I was clueless. And he never communicated to me, that he saw this change in me, until it was to late. Not that these are excuses but it’s reality. We were both in the wrong and therefore, it ended up being a no win situation.

Once divorce took over my life I thought I was a flawed woman. Those negative thoughts took over my brain!

· I was thirty three years old. (that was old in my mind)
· I was a single mom
· I had an eighteen month old and a four year old.
· I didn’t have a job.
· I hadn’t had a job in over four years

· I had no means of supporting myself.
· I had the body of a woman who had had two kids in 2 ½ years.
· I had no self esteem
· I didn’t have any friends who had been through a divorce

Mentally, I was not prepared to become the mom my kids wanted, deserved and needed. Nor was I prepared to suddenly figure out how to become a single, fun loving, outgoing woman. Because in reality, I was now on a man hunt. I realize now, that I needed to allow myself a lot more time to heal and say goodbye to the wife before I jumped in so quickly to this so called “single life ” shit.

Why am I telling you this? I’m telling you this because early on in my “single life” I met a guy by the name of Jim (not “gem” for those of you following my posts). Jim was a very nice guy…a little older than I was looking for, but hey, who am I to judge…what I was originally looking for walked out on me…so at this point…who the hell knows what I was looking for. His qualifications…he was tall and he asked me out on a date. That’s it! He was one of the first people to ask. It was so long ago, I can’t even remember how I met him. Probably doesn’t matter but it’s one of those things that I just can’t stop thinking about and I won’t stop thinking about until I figure it out. So if I blurt out something randomly like “the mall” or “a bar” in one of my future posts, just know that I had that light bulb moment where I realized the location I originally met Jim. Ok…off that tangent and back to the story.

Anyway…Jim was from a city about an hour south of where I lived. And in my naivety I agreed to drive down to his place one Saturday to meet him. I know…I know…WTF? Looking back now I can’t believe I did it either but the newness of someone showing an interest in me and wanting to spend time with me took over. My brain was like jello…no excuse…but jello! I remember being excited and nervous on the way down. I called Jim when I was about five minutes away so that he could give me detailed “I’m almost there” directions. Once I got to his house, I was pleasantly surprised. His house was quaint in a quaint little old town. He greeted me in the driveway with a big hug and a smile. My initial impression was not great, but I was willing to give him a chance…hell, I drove an hour for this…I was going to at least get one glass of wine out of the evening.

The moment I was not expecting so soon, came way to quick. No guys…not “that” moment but the moment when you find the first “issue” with a new guy. I had only been there thirty seconds and already, I had an issue. He asked me to take my shoes off before coming into the house. No biggie that was not my issue. My issue was when I set my shoes (boots) down, and he immediately picked them back up, zipped them up so they stood tall, and lined them up perfectly against the wall. Now mind you, it’s not like I threw them off like your children do when they come in the house, but I guess I just didn’t take them off to his liking. Oh well, I brush this off and try not to let it bother me.

We spend the evening talking and laughing and he is actually kind of growing on me. Maybe it’s because he keeps saying how funny I am…so I keep trying to make him laugh out of nervousness. His laughter is making me relax too. Ok…maybe it was the wine that was making me relax, but I don’t want you all to think I was a lush, so we will stick to the laughter. After a couple of hours I decide I had been there long enough and needed to leave…after all, I did have an hour drive ahead of me. So he walked me to the door and gave me a kiss. It was a nice kiss and I enjoyed it. WARNING: be ready to say “Oh no he didn’t” in a minute. Anyway, we are at the door kissing and his hand comes down and he actually rubs my belly, kind of like a Buddha. I immediately think, is this something all the boys are doing now or is this guy crazy? Then I stop thinking because he says…wait for it…”I like your soft mommy belly”. I kid you not…those were the exact words out of his mouth. I make a mental note to never speak to him again and politely put myself in the car to drive home.

Maybe I am just a little sensitive, but I don’t want any potential boyfriend to comment on my “soft mommy belly” two hours into our first date. That’s just not right! Maybe it would have been different if he hadn’t picked the one flaw that I was the most self conscious about. Who knows? All I know is that I am now feeling very sick to my stomach…and can’t wait to get home, crawl into my bed, go to sleep very quickly, and act like this evening never happened!

Jim tried calling me for a couple of days after that and kept telling me that he couldn’t wait to get together again because he had so much fun. I called him when I knew he wouldn’t be able to answer and left him a message...that’s the safe way to let someone know there will be no second date. This way there is no “awkward trying to talk me out of my decision“ conversation I told him I that I thought he was a nice guy…but no woman wants to hear the “soft mommy belly” comment while being made out with.

I never heard from Jim again.

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