Ready for 2012

2011 was a rough year for me, hence the 4 month blogging break during the summer/fall. I thought it was going to be a great year, after all, I turned 40 in March. I was ready, I was prepared to be a new woman, but then things changed. I got my heart broken, I battled with a bout of depression, and my grandma, whom I was very close to, passed away.

The toughest one of the three to deal with was the death of my grandma. Heartbreak can be healed with time and depression can be healed with drugs, but the death of someone close to you is often very difficult to get over.

She lived 92 wonderful years, 40 of which I had the pleasure of sharing with her. When I was 28 my mom, her oldest daughter passed away. When that happened, my grandma was one of the women in my life that also took on the “mother” role. These last twelve years, have been special with her. Our bond has grown stronger and stronger over the years.

She passed away in October. I was prepared, yet devastated at the same time. The last few months of her life I made notes of several of the things she told me that I wanted to always remember. As I looked back on these things, I realized she was preparing me for her death. She was trying to say all of the things to me that she wanted me to remember and share throughout my life.

So, in honor of my grandma, here are her little anecdotes on life…

Follow your heart- When I was going through my divorce, she said this to me many times. She knew that I had enough people in my life giving me their opinions of what I should and shouldn’t do. But not her, even though she didn’t agree with me and the Ex divorcing, she always told me to follow my heart. I will always cherish that.

Say what I need to say- Even though she didn’t always say what she needed to say, she always wanted to keep peace in the family, she encouraged me to always say what I needed to say. If you don’t, you will always wonder “what if…”

Do what I need to do- She was always very supportive of me and the things I chose to do in my life, she always told me to prioritize and do what I “need” to do. Sometimes our needs get pushed aside by our wants and I struggled with this a lot, especially early on in my divorce. It was a gentle reminder that my kids needs should come ahead of my wants…this was a valuable lesson for me.

Make a difference- This was her shout to me to be passionate about something and to make a difference. She didn’t care what it was but she always stressed how important it was to be passionate about something. She was passionate about her faith and sharing it with others. In 2012, I’m determined to find my passion.

Find true love, he’s out there- After my divorce from the Ex, she was quick to remind me, that he was the doofus and obviously not my true love. She encouraged me until the day she died, not to give up on finding my true love. She knows he is out there for me. I am choosing to believe her!

Always be happy and grateful- She was always happy and grateful. I cannot remember a time when my grandma was not grateful for the things she had. She may not have had a lot in life, but she was loved and that is all that mattered to her. I loved this about her!

Be proud of yourself- this is the number one thing I will always remember about my grandma. I cannot remember a time that she would not take the opportunity to tell me how proud of me she was. Whether it be in a letter or in a face to face conversation, she always told me she was proud of me. To this day, I tell my kids everyday that I am proud of them, and I attribute that to her always telling me how proud she was of me, no matter what was going on in my life.

Become the best version of yourself that you can be- I’m determined to accomplish this! I’m not sure what the “best version” of me looks like, but I hope I will know it when I get there.

Forgive those that hurt you- this was always big with my grandma! From the moment my Ex walked out on me she told me that I needed to forgive him, but not for him, for myself. And you know what, she was right. I have learned that forgiveness is not for the person you are forgiving, it is for yourself so that you can move on!

It’s obvious that my grandma was a good woman! I hope one day that I can be as good of a grandmother to my grandkids as she was to me, my brothers and my cousins. I miss her terribly every day. But every day I am also reminded of one of these little tidbits that she left me with, and for that I will forever be grateful!