Does happiness cloud our minds

After my break up with Mr. Perfect for Me I did a lot of soul searching.

I realized that dating him was just a reminder of the fact that we, and by “we” I mean “women in general”, tend to get caught up in the moment when we are in what we think is a happy fulfilling relationship. We tend to overlook the little things, which often times end up becoming the deal breakers in relationships.

We can’t help it.

It’s in our nature.

During this period of soul searching, I came up with a list. A list of characteristics that I will no longer HEDGE on when it comes to the men in my life, no matter what my heart tells me! I have realized I have to grow up, take accountability for my behavior, my actions and most importantly, my heart.

CHARACTER
Reputation is the issue here, in family life, relationships, and profession. It can be seen most easily in what he will choose to do when he is all alone. It is the way in which he lives his life. Does he do what he says he is going to do? Does he follow through? Does he make good choices?

HONESTY
Does he keep his word? This is a tough thing to do all of the time, especially in relationships. Circumstances sidetrack us, other priorities take precedence and overwhelm our thinking. Bottom line, does he do the right thing?

PRINCIPLES
This, I consider the inner strength at the core of his heart. It is clear when we see how a man spends his money. Does he buy fancy cars or blow money on unnecessary things? I wholeheartedly believe you will find a man’s heart where his wallet is. Don’t get me wrong, it is fun to splurge every once in a while, but typically how does he spend his money? Is it to impress you?

PEACEFUL HEART
I think peace is created by thought patterns. A man, whose actions come from his heart, is usually a peaceful man. Peace does not mean panic, or busyness. When the hurriedness of everyday life takes over, relationships tend to become dysfunctional. It’s ok to slow down and enjoy life. You don’t always have to be on the go.

BEHAVIOR
Discipline. I once heard it said that the “will to win” is not what wins the game. The game was won long before it was played. It’s the will to prepare to win that wins the game. I think that the willingness of a man to discipline his life is the key to success in not only business but relationships as well.

MATURITY
Maturity, it doesn’t come with years, it comes with the acceptance of responsibility and growth. Mature men don’t necessarily need to be recognized or esteemed in public. He acts mature because he believes maturity is right. But more importantly, he is consistent, decisive and strong.

FRIEND
Last but not least, being someone’s friend instead of just being friendly is the key. Being friendly accepts no responsibility for the other person’s feelings or wellbeing. While being a friend is someone who accepts the bonds and context of being someone your friend can depend on.

It’s sad as I look back at these characteristics. I can’t believe I would hedge on any of these, but I did…on all of them with Mr. Perfect for Me…and it took me getting out of that relationship before I realized it.

Happiness clouds our minds…and if it clouds our minds then are we really happy?

Hate is a strong word

There are not a lot of things in this world that I can actually say I hate. I may dislike things, but I don’t hate a lot. But do you know what I hate more than texting with a stranger before I have actually had a phone conversation with them?

I hate the fade out?


What is the fade out, you might ask?

It’s when someone you have met suddenly stops calling and drops off the face of the earth. It’s the weak man’s way around an uncomfortable conversation.

Most people I know, both men and women, have been on the receiving end of the fade out at one time or another in their lives. I have definitely had my fair share of men who have pulled the old fade out on me. I will admit it, it sucks! But it is what it is and we have no choice but to move on.

Most times I wish men had the balls to call and say they were no longer interested instead of stopping the flow of communication all together. I mean, we are all adults. I can take it if you aren’t interested in me. More often than not, I probably wasn’t all that interested in you either.

I’m not proud…I have just pulled the fade out on Mr. Smiles A lot.

I’ve never done it before, and I feel horribly guilty. I justify it by saying, we didn’t have a lot invested in each other, so I just didn’t feel like the confrontation was necessary. We had only been on one date and had a few awkward text conversations. That’s it. I knew within the first 2 minutes of our date that I wouldn’t be going out with him a 2nd time, but I didn’t have the balls to admit that when he said “we should do this again” at the end of the evening.

I didn’t want to be on the other end of hurting his feelings.

I didn’t want to have to answer the question, why not?

It’s not a good excuse, but it’s my excuse.

The Great (not so scientific) experiment, Part Deux

So I teased you all a little last week. Yep, I’m not proud, but sometimes that is what it takes to get you to come back to my blog…and I will do whatever it takes to get you to come back. It’s kind of like my dating life. I’ve learned over the years that if you don’t give it all up immediately, they always come back for more.

It’s no secret to anyone how much I loathe online dating. I don’t know of one person in my life that has had any long term relationship come of it. But I hear, all of the time, how successful it is for others. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met a couple of nice guys online in the past, but nothing that I could ever see as long term.

A couple of weeks ago, I was on my computer working on my book and it occurred to me that the two times I have done online dating in the past, I may not have put myself out there like I should have. So I logged on and did a search, as a man in my community, just to see what my competition would be.

And I was shocked, shocked at the women that were my competition.

I couldn’t believe some of the profile pictures that I came across. Barely clothed and lots of cleveage seemed to be the common theme for women between the ages of 35-45. No wonder I don’t have a lot of success with online dating. I tend to stay on the more conservative side when it comes to the pictures I post. You know, fully clothed, no bikini shots…just the basics. And it was these conservative pictures that got me connections with guys that were NOT my type whatsoever, well, except for Hot Fireman, but that unfortunately went down in flames quicker than it heated up.

Quite honestly, it was a gentle reminder to me that men are very visual creatures. And that is something that I try not to think about a lot.

So I decided to conduct another experiment. One I’m not totally proud of, but one I needed to conduct for peace of mind.

Two weeks ago I created two online dating profiles, as a test of sorts, to see what kind of traffic I could get to come my way. The only difference between the two profiles was the profile picture. Everything else was the exact same.

The first profile I created using this picture below as my profile picture.



This is me on a day to day basis. My hair is about 2-3 inches longer now than it is in this picture, otherwise, it’s me, a mom who values communication, laughter and honesty above all else.

The second profile I created using this picture below as my profile picture.



This is me getting ready to go on a rare night out with hair extensions in and a tank top on, otherwise, it’s me, a mom who values communication laughter and honesty above all else.

The first week I put up the first profile of me…my normal everyday look. And here is what I came across:

Total Connections (winks & emails)- 800 (all men)
Locations: connections came from all across the country, even though I specified a 20 mile radius
Average age: 48 (my suggested range was 37-45)
# of people worth persuing: 1

The second week I put up the second profile of me…my Barbie look, as I like to call it. And here is what I came across with that profile:

Total Connections (winks & emails)- 1,803 (1,797 men and 6 women)
Locations: connections came from all across the country, even though I specified a 20 mile radius
Average age: 36 (my suggested range was 37-45)
# of people worth persuing: 3

For those of you doing the math...the percentage of people worth persuing is less than 1%! The odds of finding Mr. Right online at this rate are slim to none.

Very discouraging!

The number one difference between the guys that contacted me in both profiles was the number of “never married” guys that contacted my “Barbie profile” over my normal every day profile. I would guess that 60% of the connections I made with the Barbie profile were listed as never married. And at 40, that is a total deal breaker for me. You see, when a man hasn’t been married by the time he is 40 it says to me that “the most important thing in my life so far has been me.” And I am not remotely interested in being the woman that has to break him of that characteristic.

Quite frankly, I’m just floored at the results of this little test. But it definitely answers a lot of my questions. I now understand why I will never meet my Prince Charming online.

It's sad that if you don’t look like a Barbie doll men just flat out aren’t interested in even giving you a chance.

And that’s ok. Because I'm not interested in meeting someone who just wants to meet me because I look like a Barbie doll. To these men I say, "to bad, so sad, missed out on what you could have had!"

Drama

So far turning 40 has been awesome!

Tonight is my official last birthday celebration and then life gets back to normal as I know it. And by “normal” I mean, working, hanging with my friends and family, carting my kids to and from their various activities, sitting in the bleachers on the weekends, and dating…all of which I do a pretty good job at…

…well, except for dating…sometimes, I question my ability to do this well.

When I dated in my teens and early twenties, it was full of drama. You know the kind of drama that makes you cringe as a 40 year old woman. Things like, sleeping with upperclassmen to become “popular”, stealing boyfriends/girlfriends from your friends, starting rumors about each other, those kinds of things.

Yeah, kind of makes your stomach churn at the memory, doesn’t it?

Well, what I’m realizing now is that even as an adult this kind of stuff still goes on. It’s crazy, but it does. You would think we all would have matured by now, but for the most part, adults still play high school games with each other. But NOT me! When I get the first whisper of high school games, I back off quick…like in a sprint!

I just can’t catch a break though.

All I am looking for is a nice, good looking, quality guy who wants to take dating seriously. I’m not interested in someone who can only date me once a month because his schedule is so busy, nor am I looking for someone who is so married to his career that he has no time for dating. I’m not looking for pen pals and text buddies. I’m also not looking to be someone’s warm body until their ex-wife decides she wants him back.

Nope…not interested in any of that crap!

But for some reason that’s the kind of man that I attract.

I recently got a couple of text messages from Mr. Perfect for Me, whom I have not talked to in weeks. I could tell he was pissed and that apparently I had done something to piss him off, but I had no clue what it was, until I talked to my friend who fixed us up. Apparently his ex-wife (whom he left me for) had apparently gotten some kind of email from me bashing her.

Of course, those of you that know me, know this is not my style. I take defeat gracefully. When a guy doesn’t want me in his life anymore, I move on. I don’t fight for him…ever! I want a guy that will fight for me, not one that I have to beg to be a part of my life. But, against my better judgment, I still spent the better part of yesterday fighting for my dignity and pride with Mr. Perfect for Me. I tried to convince him that the email wasn’t from me. He believed me, then he didn’t believe me, then he did, then he didn’t.

And then I realized I didn’t care anymore.

He and his ex-wife have always thrived on the drama in their lives, and this was just another drama induced episode for them. In fact my friend and I are convinced that his ex-wife is making this whole thing up as a test for him. Yeah, they are that crazy!

I am not a vindictive person. When I’m not wanted I move on…that’s it! So I did what any self-respecting woman would do, I deleted him as a friend on Facebook, deleted his contact information from my phone, deleted all of his pictures from my phone and computer, and threw away all of the things that he had ever given me during our relationship.

I’m not gonna lie, that process felt good.

It’s almost like he never existed!

And that makes me happy!

Mr. Smiles A lot

So I had a date last night.

It’s the 2nd date I have been on since ending my relationship with Mr. Perfect for Me a couple of months ago. Oh, wait…I guess it was my third date, if you count this one that I talked about last week.

I wasn’t all that excited about the date. Why, you might ask?

Well for starters…he reminded me of my cousin. I informed him of that during one of our many conversations.



Mr. Smiles A lot: So what is it about me that first caught your attention?

Me: You looked like my cousin. I wanted to look at your picture to see if it was him.

Mr. Smiles A lot: and do I look like him?

Me: Yes, very much.

Mr. Smiles A lot: So what’s his name?

Me: Chip

Mr. Smiles A lot:(reaching out to shake my hand) Hello Julie, you can call me Chip.

Me: (suddenly sick to my stomach at the perverted thought of dating my cousin)


After that comment, I ordered another drink. And then…this conversation came about…


Mr. Smiles A lot: I like your shoes

Me: Thanks! I don’t really wear high heels to work so I like to wear them when I go out.

Mr. Smiles A lot: They are awful pointy

Me: I know that’s why I like them

Mr. Smiles A lot: I only to wear high heels around the house. Ha Ha

Me: (suddenly sick to my stomach at the perverted thought of him prancing around his house in heels)

Yeah, by that time I had had enough, I decided to forgo the third drink and call it a night.

Can you blame me?

The great (not so scientific) experiment

I am so excited.

I have been conducting an experiment of sorts for the past 2 ½ weeks and I can’t wait to share the results with you. Those of you that are on here strictly to read about the horridness that is my so called dating life, you are gonna love it. For the rest of you that just read this for the “oh bless her heart” factor, well, I think you might find the results fantastic too.

Either way, join me next week where I share with you the results of the “Great Experiment”. I can’t share any more information without giving up the results, but let’s just suffice it to say, it will be worth the read.

Oh, ok...I guess I can give you one little hint…it involves that picture of me over there to the right in my about me section…yeah the one where I look like a hot Barbie…that picture.

Stay tuned...

I...

So every once in a while I get stumped for things to talk about here on my blog, but rest assured, today, isn’t one of those days. I know you are all wiping your brows and saying “whew” right about now.

I have another list today, because I know how much you all love my lists.

But, I cannot take credit for this all on my own. I stole it! Yep I flat out ripped it off from here. It’s a new blog that I stalk daily. The girl is hilarious and has an awesome dog. I want an awesome dog. She is in the dating scene, I’m in the dating scene, we are both frustrated…enough said. I like this girl. Check her out if you get a chance.

Anyway, I learned a lot about her from her list…so I thought I would share mine with you.

I am… everything I need to be, I’m just me and I like it like that!

I want…to get my darn book finished!

I have… the best life ever.

I wish… people would give my inner beauty a chance before they judge me on my outer beauty.

I know…things in my life are going to change soon! I can feel it! And I’m excited!

I hate…to be hurt.

I hear…the sound of my stomach growling…guess that means I need to eat.

I crave… strawberry ice cream with granola.

I search… for the good in everyone.

I always… misplace my car key.

I usually…am upbeat and happy.

I miss…my mom!

I love… my kids more than anything in this world.

I never…wear underwear. (sorry, is that too much information?)

I rarely…cook.

I cry… at everything. I can’t help it…I’m emotional…thanks mom!

I lose…my phone constantly. I can’t tell you how many times I have to go back to stores to pick it up.

I should…trust my gut more often.

I worry…about my future all of the time.

I dream…of finding the perfect man…please tell me my dreams aren’t wasted!

I was…broken. Now I’m not.

I need… a good laugh every day.

I can… do anything I want if I set my mind to it.