Monday, January 6, 2014

Lessons Learned...The One Week into 2014 Edition

1. Nothing peeves me more than having to scroll down to find my year of birth on an online form.

2. As I get older, I wish there was some sort of roll over plan for all of those naps that I took as a child.

3. After watching several crime dramas, I am convinced that serial killers only attack women with matching bras and panties.  Feeling overly confident that a serial killer would not be interested in me.

4. The friends that tell me what I NEED to hear are the ones I am keeping into the new year, not the ones who tell me what I WANT to hear.

5. Hamilton and Gibson think I am the meanest mom in the world because they can never find anything in a souvenir shop with their name on it.

6. I used to be that girl who thought things through in my head before I said them out loud, however, the older I get the more I've become like my mom.  I now believe that the thoughts in my head sometimes get bored and end up taking a leisurely stroll out of my mouth.

7.  It is so cold in the Midwest that I think I accidentally keyed my own car with my nipples this morning.

8. The list of "things not to say in 2014 if you are over 30" recently came out.  Amazeballs was on that list.  I am 42.  I will not be able to stop saying it. Sorry friends.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Out With The Old...In with The Old?

Last week, I spent a fabulous week on the beaches of Grand Cayman Island with my dad, 2 sons, 2 brothers and their families.

It was an amazing week!

It was a week of relaxation!

It was the mental break I needed!

During this week away, my brother asked me, "Why don't you blog anymore, you were so good at it?"

The only answer I had for him was that I didn't have time to blog.  After thinking about that response for a couple of days, I realized that that was a cop out.  I have convinced myself over the past couple of years that I couldn't blog anymore because my blog was about dating as a single mom.  I don't really date much anymore so how could I continue on with my blog?  

A weak excuse...I know!

Then, today, my friend text me with the following quote, "Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book, write a good one!"  How fitting for me, right? Her message to me was that I  need to either figure out how to continue on with my blogging or get on with writing the book that I always talk about wanting to write.  She was nice yet firm with me, basically telling me to get off my ass and do something with my words, stories, and memories.

So here I am to tell you in the new year, I am limiting my goals.  No more goals about saving money, losing weight.  In my mind, those should not be goals.  They should be things you work on everyday.  Goals, to me, are the bigger things.  The things that seem impossible to complete.  My book, my blog...those are big things that seem impossible to me to complete,

So here I am today, sharing with you my goals for 2014...

1. Blog at least 3 times a month.

2. Start writing my book that I always say I want to do, but don't do anything about.

3. Be connected with my sons, Hamilton and Gibson, at all times, no matter where I am or what I am doing.

4. Remember that Hamilton and Gibson are only kids.  They will be grown and out of my house before too long.  Don't have such high expectations of them.

That's it!  That is all i am going to hold myself accountable to this year.  As friends of mine, I ask that you too, hold me accountable to these goals.  If you see me slacking, call me out...PLEASE!

So welcome back to He Who Laughs Last Didn't Get It!  I'm excited to share more with you than just stories about my horrible dating past.  I hope you share with you more of my hopes, dreams and a look into my life as I enter a whole new stage...forty something with 2 boys (one on the verge of becoming a teenager), trying to make it day to day in this crazy world.  I will share stories of my past, present and future.  I will share my hopes, dreams and disappointments.  I will continue to tell stories of the funny things my kids say and do.

Please bear with me as I dip my toes back in the water.  It may take me a little while to "be funny" again, but stick with me...I promise, it will be worth the wait!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Open Letters

Dear Real Housewives of whatever city,

You do not live in the real world.  It doesn't matter how many times you say it out loud, it won't make it true.  If you want a sample of the real world, come to my house where I'm living paycheck to paycheck, supporting two kids with no nannies, chefs or trainers.

Good day,
Me (someone who has real friends that love each other and refrain from calling each other bitches and whores behind each others backs)

Dear Hamilton and Gibson,

If I can hear you talking then you are NOT brushing your teeth properly.

The Tooth Fairy

Dear Mumford and Sons,

My head told my heart to let love grow, but my heart told my head, this time no.  Thanks for the advice.

Me, the one who gets blamed for being too picky

Dear Friend,

I AM nervous about my upcomming knee surgery.  Stop playing it down by saying things like "it's no big deal" or "everyone has this surgery." or "really?  that's all it is?"

It's surgery!  Stop being a B*%^& and maybe ask "what do you need?" or "how can I help?" every once in a while.

For once, let it be about me and not you

Dear Ex,

Thank you for uttering the words "I'm sorry".  It means alot, even after all these years.


Dear work,

Thank you for giving us 5 service days a year!  I spent my Saturday night making capes for kids at the Peyton Manning Hospital and I can't think of anything else I would have rather been doing.

A grateful employee

Dear Me,

Hang in there.  I know it's been a tough year!  There are only 9 weeks left in 2012.  You can do anything for 9 more weeks!  2013 will be a better year, I just know it!!!


Dear Gangnem style,

Is it just me, or am I the only person who thinks your song is the Korean version of "Call Me Maybe"?

Just picking at nothing

Dear single boys from high school,

You have gotten hotter with age!  Makes me wish I would have gone to the big bash last weekend!

My loss

Sunday, October 21, 2012


Have you ever noticed that after you have had a few drinks some things seem to happen in slow motion?  I sometimes notice it and think there is a corallation between that and the kind of alcohold I am drinking. 

But that is beside the point.

The point I am trying to make is that this weekend I seemed to be overly sensitive to some comments my friends were making about me.  Comments like, "I can't believe you are still single," or "really? you're still single?"  and of course my favorite..."I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE STILL SINGLE!" (which is similar to "I can't believe you're still single" only it involves yelling loud enough so that everyone in the bar can hear it).

These comments got me thinking.

Single is NOT a status!  It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.

I am single because I refuse to settle! 

I refuse to change my relationship status for someone who falls short of what I deserve. 

I know my self value and I have chosen a spot in my heart for a real man.  A man who is mature enough to understand that loyalty, commitment, stability  and 100% honesty are all a priority for me, not an option.

So friends, I beg you...stop telling me I'm too picky!  Stop freaking out because I am "still" single. 

Yes, I want a man in my life who will love me and my kids unconditionally.  No, I don't want to die alone.  But I'm only 41...I have plenty of time to be picky, right?

Monday, October 8, 2012

Wingman Shmingman

Last week I was enjoying a nice quiet ride home from work when my phone rang. It was my friend, let’s call her “Cute as a Button”. She was a little panicked.

Here’s how our conversation went down…

Cute as a Button: “You are never going to believe this.”

Me: “What?”

Cute as a Button: “I don’t know who I am meeting on my date tonight.”

Me: “What do you mean you don’t know who you are meeting?”

Cute as a Button: “I gave two guys my number , one called and asked me out and I still haven’t heard from the other one. I’m not really sure which one it is I’m meating.”

Me: “Now that’s a delima.”

Cute as a Button: “What do I do? If it’s guy A, I will be excited, but guy B kind of scares me.”

Me: (knowing whomever the guy is she is meeting is bringing a friend with him I say this) “ok…relax! Here is what we do. We meet out front, I will scope the place out before you go in and let you know which one you are meeting. If it’s guy A we go in and have fun. If it’s guy B, we bolt. No problem."

Now, if the above conversation doesn’t spell out the definition of a “good wingman” I don’t know what does. I saw a friend in need, and figured out a way to make everyone happy. I’m definitely patting myself on the back for this one. In fact, I think I will add that title to my “funeral speech”. You know the one that goes like this…

“He Who Laughs Last, she was a good woman, mother, sister, daughter and friend. But more than all of those things, she was the best wingman a girl could ever ask for.”

In case you are wondering…It was guy A, the one Cute as a Button was hoping to meet. Unfortunately neither of us made a love connection, but it was an adventure we both enjoyed together.

Oh yeah, Cute as a Button got a text message from Guy A the next day…It went a little something like this. “Did you happen to get a message from someone that knows me who is trash talking me?”

…And SCENE! Can you hear the drama behind that curtain?

Thursday, September 27, 2012


I know when I started this blog again I said it would no longer be a blog about dating, because you can’t write a blog about dating if you aren’t dating…blah, blah, blah…

But, I have to make an exception today.

I was getting ready for work this morning and I heard the news teaser “stay tuned for a great story on the most eligible bachelor in my local city”. I may not be dating, but I am single, so naturally, it caught my attention. I got excited and I did what any single girl would do. I put on a bra, slapped on some lipstick, took the hot rollers out of my hair and sat anxiously in front of the TV. (Don’t laugh at the fact that I still use my 1980’s hot rollers, ok? If you had hair like mine and that was the only way you could make it look decent, you would do it too)


They came back from commercial break and my 9 year old son, was upset because he couldn’t find his tie for school. In the midst of calming down an emotional child at 6:30am, I missed the opening part of the story. But my attention was immediately caught when I heard that this bachelor had his right eye shot out and sometimes had trouble climbing out of the water. I became quizzical and intrigued all at the same time. Suddenly, I wanted to know more. Was he a war veteran who got injured? Was he a former cop who got shot while taking down the local drug lords? I waited in anticipation and came out of the bathroom when they put this picture up.

I know, I know, I thought the same thing…”awwww, he is so cute, but is he really dating material?”

This is Rocky, the local rescued seal. He was rescued after being shot in the eye by fishermen and sometimes has trouble hopping out of the water onto the rocks.

Yeah, things are different when you know the whole story.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Passion is no ordinary word

Someone once told me that a lack of passion is fatal. 

I never believed it…until now.

Recently I was asked to write a very brief presentation on my passion and I froze.  Do you know why I froze?  I froze because I had no idea what my passion was.  I had lost sight of it and it scared me.  It scared me to the core.

I was desperately pulling at strings.  My mind wondered all over the place.  I could not figure out what my passion was.  I cried.  I sat in silence.  I became frantic.  Nothing came to my mind.
Then it hit me!  

This is why I was scared…

Yep!  That calendar is why I lost my passion.  

That calendar is just a month in my life.  The majority of the things on that calendar occur after the hour of 5pm.  I have two very busy boys and I’m just one person.  Oh, they have a dad.  A dad who is pretty helpful, but he is a dad that most nights is not home before 8pm. 

I am up at 5:30am every morning and don’t stop until about 9:30pm every night.  There is not one moment between those two hours that is stagnant.  Nope, we are constantly going. It is stressful.  I don’t have a lot of help with my kids, therefore, I don’t have a lot of free time, hence the reason why I’m single too.  Who has time for things we are passionate about, let alone dating, with a calendar like that?

Looking at that calendar, however, made me remember what I was once passionate about…and am desperately trying to be passionate about again. 


It was once THAT haven for me.  That haven that I NEEDED every day to feel complete.  There once was a time, that if I didn’t write each day, it affected my mood.  Because of that picture above, it quickly became something that I didn’t think about for days on end.  And I don’t ever want to be there again!
I want to write…I need to write…it is who I am.  It makes me a better mom.  It makes me a better employee.  It makes me a better friend.

“You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald


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